What the Matter Is
When my oldest boy was really young, he tickled my mother with that phrase. I would ask him, "What's the matter?" and he would answer me, "Well, what the matter is..." followed by whatever it was that he needed to discuss with me. He would say it with that very serious face that children get when they are expecting to be taken very seriously. We all loved the cute way he prefaced his concerns.
I overheard my daughter talking to my two year old the other day and it caused me to remember those days long ago when her older brother used to talk about 'what the matter is.' At thirteen, Sissy is a natural healer and nurturer. She hovers over her baby brother kissing all of his owies and making sure that life is gentle and kind to him. We have many debates over just how much mothering is smothering, but that's another topic for another day. What caught my attention that day was that while our little Buddha Napoleon was whining and grumbling in his two year old lingo, she was continually asking him, "What's wrong?" She repeatedly asked it in the most loving and dear voice. "What's wrong?" You could definitely tell that she was genuinely concerned and wanted to know what was bothering him and how could she help. "What's wrong?" Over and over she asked him, "What's wrong?" as he babbled incoherently at her about something that was obviously 'wrong' in his world.
I found myself getting really annoyed. But why? I began thinking about why that question repeated in such a sugar coated voice was bothering me so deeply. Then it hit me. This is the core of where we learn to think that something is wrong with our lives. It's that question asked of us since the cradle. "What's wrong?" That gets us thinking that something is actually wrong.
I told her to shift her question to "What's the matter?" I told her that it means the same as "What's the topic?" She could also say, "Tell me why you are upset." Or ask him "Why are you crying?" She could also ask him, "How can I help?" Make the conversation about the topic or event without actually assuming that something in life must be 'wrong'. Just because we are upset or frustrated doesn't mean that life is wrong.
Asking someone, "What's wrong?" immediately puts them into the mind frame of describing what is wrong with their circumstances. They focus only on the negative and not on problem solving or solutions. They aren't focused on their own role in creating the situation. By asking someone, "What's wrong?" we are doing them a disservice. We are sending them down the wrong path. The goal should be to guide them towards finding peace within the moment, towards finding solutions, towards self esteem and other things that help them move through the difficult times in their life.
Funny thing words, such power can come from a small shift in vocabulary. My personal favorite is to ask, "So tell me, what do you need?" Another favorite is, "So, what do you want to do about it?" This immediately puts them into a place of looking at a future where the negative circumstances is no longer perceived as such. What skills and tools would help them to overcome their problem? These types of questions also open up the door so that I can also propose that they might need to make a shift in attitude towards the problem or person bothering them. From that point, we can begin to take inventory of what skills and tools they already posses. We can begin looking at how to implement the changes they want to see. We can also begin brainstorming for ways to manifest whatever skills or tools they might need to acquire. It's a very solution oriented question. Quite often, I don't end up doing much of anything to actually fix their problem. Mostly, I just pose the right questions to get their minds moving in a different direction other than being angry or hurt by their experiences. If they really need my help, then naturally I roll up my sleeves and pitch in, but rarely do they need anything more than a different attitude and approach to life's ups and downs.
This change in how we can show our care and compassion towards others applies to everyone regardless of age. Try it the next time a coworker is grumbling about the boss. Ask them, "Well, what do you think we should do to start making changes around here?" The next time your teenager starts sniveling about how unfair life is, ask them, "How do you propose we make it more fair for everyone involved and not just you?" When you find your spouse looking like they're close to tears, ask "How can I help you to feel better?" These types of questions get the person looking forward towards a time when they might not be miserable anymore.
With little kids especially, it would really help to use these kinds of questions to mold their original understandings about problem solving. It's better to get them used to looking towards creating a life they find joyful rather than towards finding fault with the world. We cannot just fix everything for them, and we cannot teach them to whine and complain. We have to teach them that it is possible to turn adversity into opportunity. We really owe it to our children to teach them how to open up and ask for help when they are overwhelmed. At the same time, we have to make sure they know they will be solving their own problems. It's never too soon to teach our children how to take responsibility for what kind of experiences they are having. Help them when the really need it, but most of the time they just need to be reminded that they're perfectly capable of fixing it themselves.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About The Author
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net.
 Google News Updated : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:51:58 GMT Would UN Security Council Postpone Any Prosecution of Sudanese Leader? - Voice of America
Voice of America - By Joe De Capua As the International Criminal Court (ICC) considers whether to issue arrest warrants for Sudanese President al-Bashir, some are calling on the UN Security Council to block the action. Sudan's Beshir pledges peace as he leaves Darfur Jordan's lower house opposes charges against Sudanese president Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:30:10 GMT FOX News Poll: No Bounce for Obama From Overseas Trip - FOXNews
FOXNews - By Dana Blanton The significant news coverage Barack Obama is receiving on his foreign trip has not translated into a bounce in his numbers, a just-released FOX News poll shows. Wanted: 2 million poll workers for November  Comment by Leonard Steinhorn Prof, School of Communication, American UniversityPubl.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:24:50 GMT South Texas begins cleanup after Hurricane Dolly - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - HARLINGEN, Texas (AP) - Residents across south Texas slogged through knee-deep muddy waters, tiptoed around downed power lines and dug through debris Thursday, but were thankful that Hurricane Dolly didn't pack the wallop they had feared. Video: Tropical Storm Dolly Causes Flood Worries Dolly weakens, pushes inland Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:21:14 GMT Health Buzz: A $500 million Antismoking Campaign and Other Health News - U.S. News & World Report
U.S. News & World Report - Billionaires Bill Gates and New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced yesterday that they'll contribute a combined $500 million to a worldwide antismoking campaign, the New York Times reports. Video: Gates, Bloomberg Pool Riches to Fight Smoking The $500 million war on smoking Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:43:30 GMT Swimmer’s Positive Test Puts Olympic Berth Doubt - New York Times
New York Times - By KAREN CROUSE The swimmer Jessica Hardy has not been penalized for a doping offense despite published reports that she tested positive for a banned substance. Video: Source:Hardy Tests Positive for Banned Substance Sequence doesn't make Sense Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:21:30 GMT Ford Has $8.7 Billion Loss, Shifts Away From Trucks (Update4) - Bloomberg Bloomberg - By Bill Koenig July 24 (Bloomberg) -- Ford Motor Co., the world's third- biggest automaker, posted a record quarterly loss of $8.7 billion and accelerated a conversion to fuel-efficient vehicles to wean itself from money-losing trucks. Ford's Worst Quarter Ever Ford Posts Loss of $8.7 Billion on Asset Woes Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:07:48 GMT Arizona reports first West Nile death of 2008 - Bizjournals.com
Bizjournals.com - Arizona has reported its first death from the West Nile virus this year. It also is the first West Nile death in the US this year. First bird in Nassau tests positive for West Nile Fighting West Nile Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:45:00 GMT Clickbank Data Feeds |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More If your child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder then at... Read More Being consistent when children are less than perfect can make... Read More 10 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Children this... Read More What's hard for teenagersHaving people who don't understand you trying... Read More 4 traps to avoidTrap 1 - Parents need to realize... Read More The First Reason: For one thing, child development experts are... Read More The 'phone conversation had nothing at all to do with... Read More In memory of 14 year old Matthew Smith; 11 year... Read More I am a single mother of a 17 year old... Read More Well first off, please to don't institute the ½ hour... Read More There are two methods for teaching children to read; whole... Read More The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More The main thing we noticed since having a baby is... Read More How well do you really know your child?There is so... Read More We take it for granted that children know how money... Read More In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is... Read More Because most teens have not had the experience of getting... Read More The legend and myth of the Tooth Fairy is a... Read More Homes should be run by parents, not children. So many... Read More A fun way to build your child's imaginationWriting is still... Read More Why are more people, especially parents not outraged?I call it... Read More There isn't a school day that goes by that I... Read More Is there a way to build a robot to help... Read More Many working families choose a commercial or individual day care... Read More
Adsense
websites
What You Should Know About Counseling for Attention Deficit Disorder
Will My Child Ever Out-grow His Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
Why Consistency Is The Key To Raising Well-behaved Kids
Fun Things to Do with Your Kids this Summer
Parenting Your Teenager: What Teens Say About Parents
Parenting Your Teenager: 4 Traps to Avoid
Potty Training Caveats- Dont Start Too Soon
Parenting Skills - Five Ways To Turbo-Boost Your Confidence
Examining Drugs for ADHD, Particularly Strattera
How To Use Positive Child Discipline
How Do I Get My Child to Read?
Teaching Reading: Part 3, Whole Language Vs. Phonics
The Cost of Competition on Kids
Time, Stress, and a Baby
7 Ways to Know Your Child
Teaching Your Children About the Value of Money
Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?
Positive Parenting of Teenagers: Helping Your Teen Understand What I Cant Afford It Means
The Legend and Charm of The Tooth Fairy
Consistent Boundaries Makes Discipline Easier
Create a Story Book with Your Child
SMUT Spelled Backwards is TUMS
Power Foods for a Powerful School Lunch
Social Engineering via Robotic Toddlers
Selecting A Quality Day Care Center
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
The Seven Keys to Child Obedience
Learning obedience is an important part of child development. This... Read More
Healthy Eating Alone Is Not The Answer
Along with eating healthier we need to be more active.... Read More
Vision: 20/20 Is Not Enough!
Now is an excellent time to have your child's vision... Read More
Busy, Working Parents --- 22 Ways To Homeschool Your Kids
If you're a single parent or a married couple on... Read More
How to Help Your Children to Blossom
I am writing this from the beautiful mountains of Western... Read More
The Theme from MASH - Suicide is Not Painless
The Theme from MASHI flipped the button on the remote... Read More
Communication Mistakes Parents Often Make - And Easy Ways To Correct Them
As parents, we love our children and want to do... Read More
After the Driving School
If you visit search engines you can find several resources... Read More
Vouchers --- Parents, Dont Depend On Them
Vouchers, which give tax money to parents to pay for... Read More
Classic Parenting: Encouragement, Praise, Acceptance, and Responsibility
Encouragement comes when you focus on your child's assets and... Read More
How To Teach Your Children Self-Reliance and Potential
Self-reliance and potential are two very important values that I'd... Read More
Keep the Little Ones Safe, Follow Pool Safety Guidelines
Pool safety should be on the minds of every parent... Read More
Film Industry and Our Youth
In the first premise, some films and video tapes which... Read More
The Mystery of Picky Eaters
If you were to ask 100 parents why they think... Read More
How To Teach Your Children Love
I was in the life insurance sales industry for over... Read More
Parenting Your Teenager: 8 Things You Need to Be Doing
Get into their world. The world that teens are growing... Read More
What Do You Teach Your Children About Money?
Whether we realize it or not we teach our children... Read More
Preparing Your Child for the Three Rs
There is little doubt that reading, 'riting and 'rithmetic are... Read More
Fun Things to Do with Your Kids this Summer
10 Fun Things You Can Do With Your Children this... Read More
Using Pocket-money To Promote Independence In Kids
In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More
Small Children, Languages and Myths
Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More
Late Night Adventures with Your Children
Vacations are fun ! Weekends with the family are nice.... Read More
You Goofed? Hip, Hip, Hooray!
Certainly we all want our children to excel. But it... Read More
Why First Borns Fuss, Seconds Are Resilient and Last Borns Like To Laugh
How can two or three children in the same family... Read More
Homework Help for the Attention Deficit Child
Does the homework battle so typical with your hyperactive or... Read More
Parenting |