Some Good News About Blended Families

They Spur Members To Grow Emotionally

Tatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a classic stepfamily struggle when she moved from Moscow, Russia to Portland, Ore. and married Leb Tannenbaum: Her three new stepsons weren't very happy to have her in their lives.

To earn her stepsons' acceptance, she cooked Russian meals, which the boys rejected. At times, she spoke English and felt as if no one understood her. It seemed all her efforts to win them over failed, she says.

Finally, she realized she had to love herself and accept the fact that her stepsons might never connect with her, she says. Once she embraced this philosophy, she began to empathize with her stepsons' point of view, she says. "I was able to see what it was like having me in their life. I realized they didn't always have it easy," she says.

Everyday, people in stepfamilies, like Tannenbaum, learn to grow in ways they never thought possible, experts say.

Adults learn to empathize with their stepchildren, keep their anger in check, communicate well with their partners and spend time with ex-spouses they don't really want in their lives. "Nothing will force growth and maturity like stepcoupling and stepparenting as you go through the adjustment pains and come out the other end," says Susan Wisdom, co-author of the book Stepcoupling and a licensed professional counselor in Portland.

Bill Hays, a stepfather in Corvallis, Ore., experienced some adjustment pains once he became part of a stepfamily. "Early on, I tried to use "sergeant/major" stuff on my two boys and my wife's kids. My stepson would fall to the floor in tears. I realized I had to slow down and change," he says. "Men want to be understood and want people to do things their way. I had to learn to back off on that. I told my wife, 'I have to follow your lead on disciplining and motivating your kids.' I had to make some big changes," he says.

The desire to change in order to create a successful stepfamily often prompts adults to stretch and find ways to communicate better with each other, adds Joyce Hays, Bill Hays's wife.

"Our marriage is much stronger because my husband and I have to be a united front," says Mrs. Hays. "My husband and I have to do a lot of talking about issues before we can talk with the kids," she says. "In a stepfamily, the adults really have to figure out how to be a much stronger team than in a nuclear family. You learn emotional skills you thought you'd never learn."

Kids Grow, Too

Adults aren't the only ones in stepfamilies who stretch emotionally. Children in stepfamilies must learn to relate to divorced parents, stepsiblings and stepparents, a challenge that often teaches them important interpersonal skills, says Dr. Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America. "Children in stepfamilies learn a lot of interpersonal skills, like fighting fair and reading people's faces and interpreting their tones of voice," she says.

And they often grow up living in two cultures: Mom's house and Dad's house, where there may be very different expectations about TV-watching, nutrition and staying up late. Those two cultures often teach children tolerance for people's differences, says Engel.

At the Haley house in Portland, Ore., Shauna Haley's stepdaughter, Madison, has learned to follow a different set of rules than when she's at her mom's house, says Haley. Rather than staying up late to watch TV, she turns it off and gets to bed early.

"It's good for kids to grow up knowing there's more than one way of doing things," says Haley.

In addition to learning about multiple ways of doing things, children in stepfamilies are exposed to a broader definition of family and a place to work on their social skills, says Mr. Hays.

By addressing troublesome topics during their monthly family meetings, the Hays children hone their interpersonal skills by working out issues at home. A few years ago, Mr. Hays's son, Sam, took advantage of the family meeting to practice an important social skill: asking a girl ? in this case his 13-year-old stepsister, Megan ? to stop giving him a hard time at school.

"Megan was being silly with her friends," says Mr. Hays. "She was trying to embarrass Sam at school, and he felt comfortable using the family meeting as a place to bring up and resolve his concern."

Members of the Hays family have learned to stretch on a day-to-day basis. And that's great news. But here's the best news of all: Over the years, stepfamily members as a group have matured and learned to stretch emotionally for the sake of the family, says Engel.

"Stepparents do things for the kids that they thought they would never do. And that makes (being part of) stepfamilies better and easier for the children," says Engel. "Parents are sitting together with their ex-spouses at football games and school plays. When divorced parents are willing to hang out together, they remove a lot of the children's guilt and worries."

You may publish this article in your ezine or on your website, free of charge. Please include the resource information at the end of the main story. Please send a courtesy copy of your publication.

Lisa Cohn, an award-winning writer, is co-author of "One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories And Advice For Stepfamilies." To read about her book or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit www.stepfamilyadvice.com.

---

Google News Updated : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 20:07:30 GMT Rosetta spacecraft takes asteroid photos - United Press International Washington Post Rosetta spacecraft takes asteroid photos United Press International - 34 minutes ago PARIS, Sept. 6 (UPI) -- The Rosetta spacecraft has captured images of an asteroid in orbit more than 220 million miles from Earth, a European Space Agency official says. European space probe completes asteroid fly by Reuters Spacecraft flies by remote asteroid, camera stops The Associated Press Detroit Free Press - Sky & Telescope - Taipei Times - AFP all 547 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:33:25 GMT A pair of Coens might as well be one at Toronto - Reuters Canada.com A pair of Coens might as well be one at Toronto Reuters - 53 minutes ago By Janet Guttsman TORONTO (Reuters) - There is a reason they are called the Coen Bros., and not Joel Coen and Ethan Coen: they might as well be one person. Pitt Rocks to Madonna FOXNews The Coens’ Funny Bones Newsweek The Associated Press - People Magazine - Los Angeles Times - The Gossip Girls all 165 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:13:38 GMT Mozilla updates Firefox 3.1 with Alpha 2 build - Computerworld PR Web (press release) Mozilla updates Firefox 3.1 with Alpha 2 build Computerworld - 52 minutes ago By Gregg Keizer September 6, 2008 (Computerworld) Mozilla Corp. on Friday launched the second alpha of Firefox 3.1, adding new video support and boosting the speed of some JavaScript computations. Chrome's JavaScript challenge to Silverlight CNET News NetSuite Says Chrome-optimized Apps Are Flying PC World CRN - Financial Times - InformationWeek - Hindu all 214 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:15:17 GMT US Jobless Rate Climbs Past 6%, Highest Since ’03 - New York Times US Jobless Rate Climbs Past 6%, Highest Since ’03 New York Times - 18 hours ago By LOUIS UCHITELLE The unemployment rate jumped to 6.1 percent in August, its highest level in five years, pushing the troubles of American workers to the center of the political debate as the presidential campaign enters its final weeks. Jobless rate at 5-year high Reuters Unemployment, mortgage delinquencies soar in worrisome sign for ... San Jose Mercury News Los Angeles Times - ABC News - Detroit Free Press - Financial Times all 401 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 02:04:03 GMT Obama and McCain to Make Joint Sept. 11 Visit to Ground Zero - Washington Post Telegraph.co.uk Obama and McCain to Make Joint Sept. 11 Visit to Ground Zero Washington Post - 2 hours ago By Michael D. Shear COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. -- John McCain and Barack Obama announced today that they will visit Ground Zero in New York on Thursday to mark the seventh anniversary of the 9-11 attacks that brought down the Twin Towers. McCain's new cast of thousands, all unknown Boston Globe Liking McCain pick, but not McCain Packet Online Financial Times - Chicago Sun-Times - OpEdNews - Philadelphia Inquirer all 1,345 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 17:48:49 GMT Stunner - Alex Smith listed as doubtful - San Francisco Chronicle Stunner - Alex Smith listed as doubtful San Francisco Chronicle - 47 minutes ago The 49ers just called and said quarterback Alex Smith is "doubtful" for tomorrow's season-opener against the visiting Cardinals. 49ers QB Smith doubtful for Sunday Rotoworld.com Alex Smith injures shoulder, doubtful for Sunday Sacramento Bee Contra Costa Times all 10 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:20:25 GMT Rejuvenated Federer Overpowers Djokovic to Reach Final - New York Times USA Today Rejuvenated Federer Overpowers Djokovic to Reach Final New York Times - 47 minutes ago By LIZ ROBBINS Roger Federer was acing like old times - up the middle, out wide, serving up even more frustration for the snarling Novak Djokovic. Federer tames Djokovic to reach final Washington Post Federer rolls into another US Open final Sports Network The Associated Press - New York Daily News - SportingNews.com - Bloomberg all 3,163 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:19:52 GMT Clickbank Affiliate Easy Work At Home Opportunity

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Educational Toys - How Do Parents Choose The Best Toys For Their Child

The choices are mind numbing. Walk into any toy store... Read More

Helping Your Children Develop Their Self-Discipline

We want our children to do the right thing, especially... Read More

Potty Training Battle of the Wills

Some children practically potty train themselves, while others struggle and... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: The Teenager and the Gorilla

Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a... Read More

Scolding: One of Communications Tools of Last Resort

(Excerpted from Jim Rohn's 2004 Weekend Leadership Event)You have to... Read More

Hearing Our Seriously Distressed Adolescents

The distressed adolescent often has feelings of abandonment, emotional detachment,... Read More

School Holiday Survival Guide

The school holidays are a great time for the kids,... Read More

Planning the Ultimate Kid Birthday Party

Child Party Planning Guideline #1)Pick the ThemeYour child is going... Read More

Grandparents --- Homeschool Your Grandchildren and Feel Younger

Grandparents, what better way to stay close to your grown... Read More

Humans and Their Innate Need for Drug Stimulation

We know that ancient cultures and Indians and the like... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Teens and Violence

I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More

Healthy Eating Alone Is Not The Answer

Along with eating healthier we need to be more active.... Read More

Working Moms vs. Stay-at-Home Moms, Lets Stop Debating Each Other and Debate the System Instead!

I could nearly fund my children's future education if I... Read More

Road Trip with Kids

Boredom, limited space and overflowing energy are a source of... Read More

My Sons Deployment

One of the most difficult struggles in life for a... Read More

Punishing the Victim -- Why Public Schools Pressure Parents To Give Their Kids Mind-Altering Drugs

Public-school teaching is structured in such a way that it... Read More

Is Your Teen Stressed? Teach Them How to Manage Their Time, Schoolwork, and Leisure Activities

I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More

Is Your Teen Swamped with Homework and Tests?

I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More

Parenting Problem? 5 Simple Things That Will Help

What is a parenting problem?Parenting is a tough job, we... Read More

How to Find The Best Time To Be With Your Kids

"Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing... Read More

Friendships - Helping Children Develop Friendship Skills

Reasearch into children's friendships shows that those children who are... Read More

Using Pocket-money To Promote Independence In Kids

In seminars I am often asked about pocket-money and whether... Read More

Marriages May End But Families Are Forever

It was at that time when our marriage was falling... Read More

Attaboy! Encouraging Phrases That Build Confidence

Home, home on the range, Where never is heard A... Read More

Screaming Kids Driving You Nuts? Four Rules to Help You Keep Your Sanity!

Often I will hear parents say, "I just ignore Jr.... Read More