Sibling Fighting - Reduce Sibling Rivalry by NOT Keeping Score

Recently, a much-anticipated game of mini-golf with my children soon turned into a disaster. There were smiles all round as we hit off from the first tee but the enjoyment factor was reduced to zero as my children's smiles were replaced by tears, put downs and whining.

The source of all this angst was the scorecard. Or to be more precise competitiveness over the scores. The pressure was on my eldest to make sure that his younger siblings did not turn in a better score than he did. The game was going disastrously for him and it appeared that a thrashing from a younger sister was imminent. And the youngest was reduced to tears as her score didn't quite match her expectations. I felt my blood begin to boil as the family activity disintegrated amongst the tears of a poorly-performing daughter, the put downs from the eldest and the whining recriminations of the middle child who was the butt of the put downs from the disgruntled eldest.

At the half-way point I had a rare a brain-wave. Rather than add my bit to this picture of disharmony by delivering a mini-lecture I decided to remove the source of the anxiety - the score card. "What do you say that we don't score any more?" I announced. "Good idea," they chorused. The relief was evident immediately. With the element of competition removed everyone was able to enjoy the game. Smiles replaced scowls and I swear I even heard them laughing.

While competition maybe good for business and promote better performance in sport it does little to promote harmony in a family. It is okay if there is a level playing field and everyone has a chance of succeeding. Or if it is contained to the sports field and the playground. But when it spills over into other areas of family life it can lead to arguments, lack of cooperation and other uncivil behaviour.

Rivalry is difficult to keep out of families as kids constantly compare themselves to each other even when there is no score to keep. However sometimes parents unwittingly promote competition, particularly when they praise children for their performance rather than their efforts.

When children see that results are important to parents in any area they will often give up if they can't perform as well as a sibling and look for another field where they can gain parental approval. The number of eldest and second-born children in families who excel in different fields is testament to the rivalry that so often takes place between kids. While most parents will claim that their approval of kids is not subject to performance in sport, schoolwork or any other area it is how kids perceive the situation that is most relevant. And kids constantly keep score and know where they rank compared to each other.

The use of sibling comparison is also very divisive. Comments from parents such as "Why don't you keep your bedroom clean like your sister?" or "Your brother does his homework every night. Why can't you?" maybe well-meaning but offering up the standards of one for another to aspire to just drives a wedge between siblings.

As my family game of mini golf showed it is hard to get away from competition. As soon as scores are involved invariably there will be comparisons. While kids must learn that they should be good losers and even better winners they also need to understand that parental approval does not depend on their performance.

It is also important to reinforce to kids that as human beings we all have our special areas of expertise. This point is easier to get across if a child has an obvious area of strength and can become a sore point until a child discovers where his or her talents lie.

Back to the family game of mini-golf. Shouldn't the kids be able to play against each other and cope with winning and losing, some performing better than others? Ideally yes, but it can be a great deal less stressful for everyone to remove the concept of competing and just have a bit of fun. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to see how they measure up - they do it every time they bring home a school report card - without adding another one.

In future I think I'll stick to something safe like beach cricket. Then again they keep scores in that, don't they?

Michael Grose is The Parent Coach. For seventeen years he has been helping parents deal with the rigours of raising kids and survive!! For information about Michael's Parent Coaching programs or just some fine advice and ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au

---

Google News Updated : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:51:55 GMT Romo Out For a Month - Washington Post Boston Globe Romo Out For a Month Washington Post - 5 hours ago The Dallas Cowboys will be without quarterback Tony Romo for as long as a month because of a broken finger on his throwing hand. Romo suffered a broken right pinkie on the first play of overtime of the Cowboys' loss Sunday at Arizona, according to a ... Romo sidelined with broken finger Sports Network Cowboys' Romo has broken finger, may miss 4 weeks The Associated Press FOXSports.com - Los Angeles Times - Dallas Morning News - WFAA all 692 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:10:26 GMT North Korea Reopens Yongbyon Nuclear Reactor to UN Inspectors - Bloomberg Calgary Herald North Korea Reopens Yongbyon Nuclear Reactor to UN Inspectors Bloomberg - 2 hours ago By Bill Varner Oct. 13 (Bloomberg) -- The United Nations' nuclear watchdog agency was given access today to North Korea's plutonium- producing plant at Yongbyon, a reaction to the US decision to remove the nation from its list of states sponsoring ... NKorea grants UN nuclear watchdog access to Yongbyon: IAEA AFP North Korea allows back nuclear inspectors Christian Science Monitor BBC News - Reuters - United Press International - guardian.co.uk all 3,791 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:38:19 GMT Stocks Soar on Wall Street as Markets Bounce Back from Worst Rout ... - Voice of America China Daily Stocks Soar on Wall Street as Markets Bounce Back from Worst Rout ... Voice of America - 42 minutes ago By Barry Wood The Dow Jones Industrial Average Monday registered its biggest daily point gain ever, gaining 936 points or 11 percent. Wall Street explodes, marks biggest 1-day gain Inland Empire News Dow Surges On Global Bailout Plans NPR Las Vegas Review - Journal - International Herald Tribune - The Associated Press - xchange Magazine all 2,959 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:09:50 GMT Britain withdraws terror detention law after defeat - AFP Telegraph.co.uk Britain withdraws terror detention law after defeat AFP - 50 minutes ago LONDON (AFP) - The British government on Monday withdrew a plan to extend the time suspected violent extremists can be held without charge after the House of Lords voted against it. House of Lords deals fatal blow to 42-day terror detention plans Times Online Ministers drop 42-day detention BBC News Xinhua - Telegraph.co.uk - Scotsman - ABC Online all 559 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 23:01:32 GMT Rangers Prospect Cherepanov Dies After Collapsing During Game - New York Times New York Times Rangers Prospect Cherepanov Dies After Collapsing During Game New York Times - 1 hour ago By Stu Hackel Nineteen-year-old Russian forward Alexei Cherepanov, who was a Rangers first-round draft choice in 2007 and considered one of the organization’s top prospects, died on Monday after collapsing near the end of a game between his KHL team ... Cherepanov collapses on bench during game, dies at 19 ESPN Rangers prospect dies during game in Russia The Associated Press FOXSports.com - Sports Network - Los Angeles Times - Washington Post all 202 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:37:16 GMT Caffeine Consumption Doesn't Raise Overall Breast Cancer Risk - Washington Post Telegraph.co.uk Caffeine Consumption Doesn't Raise Overall Breast Cancer Risk Washington Post - 1 hour ago By Alan Mozes MONDAY, Oct. 13 (HealthDay News) -- Drinking coffee or consuming other caffeine-laden foods does not appear to boost breast cancer risk, new research indicates. Caffeine, Breast Cancer Link Minimal WebMD Caffeine 'can increase breast cancer risk' Telegraph.co.uk Science Daily (press release) - MedPage Today - ABC7Chicago.com - Reuters India all 63 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:00:13 GMT Palin: We can't let 'leftist groups…steal this election' - CNN Political Ticker Seattle Post Intelligencer Palin: We can't let 'leftist groups…steal this election' CNN Political Ticker - 1 hour ago “The truth is that far-left groups in this country will do anything to help the Obama-Biden Democrats win the White House and maintain their majorities in Congress,” Alaska Gov. Voter registration boom favors Obama Washington Post NC elections broad probes ACORN forms AZ Central.com WJHG-TV - Boston Herald - WJRT - ABC News all 1,325 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:39:24 GMT Add Data Feed Content to Your Website Amazon Associate Store

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Summer Survival

Summer Survival The... Read More

Role Models for Your Teen

By the time your children reach their teens, there is... Read More

How To Be Your Childs Sex Educator

The debate in many towns continues throughout this country about... Read More

How to Put Your Kids (Or Grandkids) On the Fast Track to Success

Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for... Read More

Tips For a First-Time Dad

So you're going to become a father. Now is not... Read More

Thirteen Values You Can Teach Through Homework

Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to... Read More

Time Managment Skills for Children

Time management is an organisational concept traditionally associated with adults... Read More

Social Engineering via Robotic Toddlers

Is there a way to build a robot to help... Read More

Choosing Wooden Toys For Children

Wooden toys are one of the best alternatives for the... Read More

Teaching Your Child Safety

Q. What is the best way to teach safety awareness... Read More

Helping Your Teen Get Back to School With Clear Skin

Backpack? Check. Notebooks? Check. Ink-pens? Check. Clear Skin? Mommmm!If you... Read More

Now, They?re Bullying My Daughter in Our Home: Welcome to Cyber-bullying

Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More

How To Teach Your Children Self-Reliance and Potential

Self-reliance and potential are two very important values that I'd... Read More

Work Before Play

Many families, ours included, have learned that breakfast is eaten... Read More

When A Parent Is Deployed

When a parent is deployed with the military it can... Read More

Confident Kids : Why Some Parents Should Carry a Health Warning

As a hypnotherapist, I am acutely aware of the power... Read More

The Real Problem With Todays Teenagers (And Why Most Parents Just Dont Get It!)

An address given by Rev. David B. Smith... Read More

The Most Powerful Question a Parent Can Ask?

The question I have for you drives right to the... Read More

Monitoring Your Teens for Drug Use Without Appearing to be Spying

Even if your teenagers do not use drugs, you still... Read More

How to Set Healthy Limits at Work

Back in college, I wrote for a five-day-a-week, award-winning campus... Read More

What is Hyperactivity in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?

Most of the ADHD kids that are seen in a... Read More

Book Review: How to Get Your Child to Love Reading

How to Get Your Child to Love Reading was conceived... Read More

Why First Borns Fuss, Seconds Are Resilient and Last Borns Like To Laugh

How can two or three children in the same family... Read More

Books Around the House Make A Difference in Literacy Rates

We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More

My Dads Secrets

From the book Spider's Night on the BoomI've only begun... Read More