Parenting---Roots and Wings
I'm sure many of you have heard that old Hallmark card adage that goes something like this: Parents give their children two great gifts---one is roots, the other is wings. This is what I address in this article.
As parents, we pray for our children's safety, health and happiness. We do everything we know to help make these things happen for them.
At some point in our lives, we developed the principles and values that guide our life decisions. Our parents and/or caregivers certainly had influence over this but not complete determination. Some of us gladly adopted the values of our parents and continue to live by them today. Some of us so completely rejected our parents values that our decisions are determined by doing the exact opposite of what we believe our parents would do.
Most of us, however, are somewhere in the middle---we have accepted some of our parents values and rejected others. This is a normal process of development. As parents, though, we really fight that period in our children's lives when they are attempting to differentiate themselves from us.
Maybe it is because we fear for their safety in their decision-making. Maybe we can see that they are engaging in unhealthy behavior or heading down a life path that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. Whatever the reason, we get scared if our children's values differ too much from our own.
What can we, as parents, do? First of all, as we raise our children, we are helping to strengthen their roots. This is the first gift a parent gives their child. How does one strengthen roots? We tend, we nurture, we feed, we cultivate---all to develop strong roots.
Sharing our value system with our children is critical to this process. In sharing values, remember that people pay more attention to what they see, as opposed to what they hear. Therefore, if you are a parent who tells your children it is wrong to smoke while you are toking on your cigarette, know that their interpretation of smoking will likely be different from what you are verbally espousing.
A developmental task of adolescence is separation and individuation. This is the time when children are attempting to separate themselves from their parents to an extent. It can be a very frightening time for parents. What do we do? This is the time for the second parental gift---wings.
We want to give our children gradual "flying" lessons. Children are not ready to go from the total and complete shelter of their parents' protection to being absolutely out on their own. This must be a gradual process.
Dr. Nancy Buck, in her book Peaceful Parenting, says it best. "We limit freedom for as long as it takes to teach responsible behavior and then we give back the freedom." We want our children learning the precarious process of making decisions while they are still under our semi-protection.
During the teen years is the perfect time to allow our teens to begin the process of deciding what their own set of values will be. If you have done a good job with the roots and you handle the next part with a minimum of confrontation, then the value process will go relatively smoothly.
Remember, your teen is doing nothing different than you did. The only difference is that you were wrestling with your parents' values and your teen is wrestling with YOUR values. It has a very different feel to it, but it is the same nonetheless. You may say that your value system works just fine for you and your teen needs to see things the same way you do. However, the reality is that you cannot know what is best for another person, including your children. You are not them. You do not occupy their skin. Only they can truly decide what is best for themselves and then they will have to live with the consequences of their decisions.
I remember when my oldest son was sixteen and working as a waiter in a local diner. He became involved in a confrontation with a customer over a racial remark the customer made. When hearing the story, I was extremely proud that my son stood up for equality and fairness but was actually mortified by his immature, locker room behavior that he displayed! No, I will not print exactly what he did but suffice it to say that it was not a proud maternal moment.
My son and I had several conversations about this incident over the next few days and I was unable to get him to understand that what he had done was inappropriate. Finally, he said to me, "Mom, I know you want me to say that I was wrong but I'm not ashamed of what I did. In fact, I would do exactly the same thing if the situation presents itself again." Wow, I guess he told me!
I had to practice what I preach. His value system was not matching up with mine. It was very clear to me that he was "wrong", however, in his world at that time, he did the "right" thing for him. When you give your child wings, you need to allow them to do things their own way even if you are sure a better way exists. You can offer your better way in the form of a suggestion, but then get out of the way and allow your child to make the decision and to manage the consequences that occur because of that decision.
This process helps our children become better decision makers. We talk with our children about all the choices that exist, and then examine the pros and cons of each choice. After that, we must step back and allow our children to make the decision that's right for them. Then, we can talk to them about how things worked out but never protect them from the consequences of their decisions. This is where the learning takes place.
You are there to support them and help them manage the consequences but don't intervene on their behalf and also don't assume that "I told you so" attitude. That does not teach your child anything but not to come to you to talk things over anymore.
Come to one of our workshops where you can learn more about parenting teens and more about roots and wings, while your children are involved in the revolutionary R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Academy, where they will be learning the tools of self-discipline, survival and empowerment.
Visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and view the information regarding our Parent/Teen Weekend Workshop that run periodically throughout the United States or check our events calendar for upcoming teleclasses and chats.
Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor and a life/relationship coach. She helps people unleash their personal power by living from the inside out, focusing their time and energy on only those things they can control. She also helps people improve the quality of their relationships with the important people in their lives. She offers free chats, assessments, a blog and an eZine, as well as workshops, teleclasses, e-courses, counseling and coaching.
Visit her website at http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz or contact her at (708) 957-6047.
 Google News Updated : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 08:08:09 GMT EA's big bet on Spore - San Jose Mercury News
San Jose Mercury News - By Steve Johnson In unveiling their much-anticipated and long-delayed video game "Spore" in North America today, executives at Electronic Arts hope to counter critics who have faulted the Redwood City company for becoming fat and happy in recent years ... In the Beginning, Finally Sims creator hopes to soar with Spore Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:07:31 GMT Google Chrome Reflects A Desktop In Decline - InformationWeek
InformationWeek - After 10 years as a company, Google is making the Chrome browser key to the coming of age of cloud computing, or software as a service. Mozilla releases second Firefox 3.1 alpha Mozilla updates Firefox 3.1 with Alpha 2 build Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 21:46:03 GMT Couric getting a kick out of Web freedom - Chicago Tribune
Chicago Tribune - By Matea Gold | Tribune Newspapers NEW YORK—Katie Couric was listening to Declan McCullagh, CNet's chief political correspondent, explain Barack Obama's and John McCain's stances on Net neutrality. Survivors Enjoy Watching 'Stand Up To Cancer' Katie Couric teams with rival anchors to 'Stand Up to Cancer' Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:04:17 GMT Hurricane Ike Strengthens to Category 4, Raises Fears From ... - FOXNews
FOXNews - Sept. 6: This satellite image taken at 3:45 pm EDT shows a swirl of clouds north of Hispaniola associated with Hurricane Ike. Sept. Video: 'Dangerous' Ike Aims for Turks and Caicos Ike hits Turks and Caicos islands as Category 4 hurricane with ... Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 05:13:03 GMT In the neighborhood of a title once again - Boston Globe
Boston Globe - By Bud Collins Or should I say Herr Roger, as he is addressed in his hometown, Basel. He does better in this sector, the Flushing section of the New York borough of Queens, than he ever did in Switzerland, and Roger Federer says he feels "a little bit ... Video: Federer Beats Djokovic to Reach US Open Final Federer Storms Into Final Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:28:11 GMT Tracing TV's bloodlines - Cape Cod Times
Cape Cod Times - By CAPE COD TIMES Vampires are big business, whether dominating the best-seller list in Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series of books for three years or starring in an endless stream of movies that portray the mysterious bloodsuckers as scary, ... 'True Blood': Undead On Arrival 'True Blood' offers edgy inspection of tolerance Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:14:40 GMT Evans KOs Liddell at UFC 88 - FOXSports.com FOXSports.com - by Elias Cepeda, InsideFighting.com Rashad Evans shot himself straight to the top of the long list of challengers in the UFC's light heavyweight division with a devastating knockout win over the sport of MMA's top name and former champion, ... Rashad Evans knocks out Chuck Liddell Liddell in need of a fresh approach Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 06:18:30 GMT More Web Site Traffic |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... At first I thought of titling this article "The Lazy... Read More Not so long ago a dad-to-be would pace up and... Read More The formula is pretty straightforward: energy in/energy out. This is... Read More For troubled teens who are struggling with drug abuse, depression... Read More A study done by the Thomas B. Fordham Institute found... Read More Volunteering together is a fantastic way to spend time as... Read More Join a growing number of parents and teachers!Fact: Last year,... Read More The cruel callous remarks made by our offspring can sometimes... Read More Vacations are fun ! Weekends with the family are nice.... Read More Self-reliance and potential are two very important values that I'd... Read More Are you a parent concerned about passing values on to... Read More Children do what feels good to them and follow their... Read More I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More The legend and myth of the Tooth Fairy is a... Read More Early childhood educators have called play "children's work". Many parents... Read More Dear Camille,As I thumb through the photographs that I carry... Read More As parents, we want our children and teens to grow... Read More The key to lifelong learning is reading and writing. When... Read More Once upon a time there was a beautiful bird whose... Read More In a single dose of children's television, I was bombarded... Read More Parents of teenagers frequently ask what can be done to... Read More In speaking with parents a comment I frequently hear is... Read More Are you a professional?Notice how the questions differs from, "Do... Read More "Becoming a parent can make you a better worker," New... Read More We take it for granted that children know how money... Read More
Adsense
websites
The Laid Back Parents Guide to Teaching Your Child to Read
Should The Dad-To-Be Attend The Birth?
What Might Surprise You About Childhood Obesity
Homes for Troubled Teens: Therapeutic and Residential
Public-school Teachers Know Best --- They Send Their Kids To Private Schools
7 Ways Busy Families Can Volunteer
Are You Frustrated With Public Schools?
When Kids Hurt Parents
Late Night Adventures with Your Children
How To Teach Your Children Self-Reliance and Potential
Thirteen Values You Can Teach Through Homework
How to Silence Your Childs Inner Critic
Parenting Your Teenager: Teens and Violence
The Legend and Charm of The Tooth Fairy
Playful Parenting - More than Just Fun and Games
Second Letter to My Daughter
One Definition of Success
How to Foster a Love of Reading and Writing in Your Child
A Mothers Love
Mutants or Clones?
Raising Teenagers? Stay C.A.L.M.
Why Wont My Child Do as I Say?
Who Are You When the Professional In You Meets Baby?
How Being a Mom Makes You a Better Professional
Teaching Your Children About the Value of Money
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
Hurting from the Outside - In: The Rise of Self-harming
Ask any teacher or adolescent counselor what the most disturbing... Read More
Parenting Predicaments
Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother... Read More
Kids: Channeling Mania Towards Productivity
More and more kids these days are diagnosed ADD, ADHD,... Read More
Parenting Problem? 5 Simple Things That Will Help
What is a parenting problem?Parenting is a tough job, we... Read More
Are You Addicted to Your Children?
Is it possible to be using our children addictively?Anything that... Read More
How Effective Are Ritalin and Dexedrine in Treating the Symptoms of ADHD?
Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More
Parenting Skills - Five Ways To Turbo-Boost Your Confidence
The 'phone conversation had nothing at all to do with... Read More
Vision: 20/20 Is Not Enough!
Now is an excellent time to have your child's vision... Read More
Summer Survival
Summer Survival The... Read More
How Public Schools Assault Parents Values
Is there anything wrong with lying, cheating, stealing, shop-lifting, taking... Read More
Over-Indulgence And Over-Attentiveness - Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid!
We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another... Read More
Is Your Teen Stressed? Teach Them How to Manage Their Time, Schoolwork, and Leisure Activities
I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More
Coping with the Stress of Moving Home and Childrens Concerns
Moving house can be an emotional experience for adults, so... Read More
Signs of Child Sexual Abuse
Many families do not want to believe their child is... Read More
Stress is No Kiddy Matter
Kids today no longer live the kind of privileged lives... Read More
Teaching Kids the Value of Money
My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More
5 Tips for Improving Communication With Your Teenager
Parents are always looking for ways to open up the... Read More
Misplaced Passion
"Before every action, ask yourself: Will this bring more monkeys... Read More
Public Schools --- Why On Earth Do We Need Them?
From the time the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock in... Read More
Lifebooks: Every Adopted Child Needs One
Information is gold when you are adopted. Every tiny piece... Read More
Choosing Wooden Toys For Children
Wooden toys are one of the best alternatives for the... Read More
COMMITMENT: Teaching Children the Lessons of a Lifetime
It's been said, time and again, that for a child... Read More
Top Three Reasons To Get Involved At Your Childs School
You may think once your child has gone off to... Read More
Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
Demanding children ? children who have entitlement issues ? seem... Read More
How Do Campers Protect Their Children?
Oh yes you have! Suddenly, "Where's Bobby?" You instantly realize... Read More
Parenting |