How Fathers Can Step Up to Fathering

When our oldest son was 2, my wife went out of town for a weekend. When a friend of hers called and I told her she was out of town, she said

"So you're home baby-sitting."

My response was

"No, I'm home being a father."

I'm sure my wife's friend meant no harm. It's just that I dislike the assumption that if a father is with his children without his wife, then he is baby-sitting.

Not so.

He is being a father.

It did get me thinking, however, about the role of fathers in our society.

I suppose that I am one of the lucky ones. My dad was usually there for me; I always knew he cared about me. He was easy to please and I knew he was proud of me.

I also know that there is a growing number of children who have never had and may never have that experience.

According to D. Blankenhorn in the book ``Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem,'' roughly 40 percent of American children will go to sleep tonight in homes in which their fathers do no live. Blankenhorn writes that ``never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers.''

That's strong language: ``voluntarily abandoned.'' It conjures, at worst, pictures of biological fathers who take absolutely no responsibility for a child or might not even know one exists to, at best, fathers that leave a family through divorce, disappearance or some other type of abandonment.

But what about the type of father who is there but not there? They might be physically present, but they're absent in an emotional, supportive sense.

I believe that there are many more of the there-but-not-there fathers than those that literally abandon their children.

First, the good news.

There have been improvements in the past 30 years. According to Time magazine, the time fathers spend with their children increased by a third between the '60s and the '80s.

In addition, according to Time, in 1973 barely a quarter of fathers were present at the delivery of their children, while today over three-quarters are there for the birth.

Now, the bad news.

While we have made significant progress, it's not nearly enough.

Here's just a sample of the work that remains.

Again according to Time, fathers spend only about two-fifths as much time with their children as do the mothers, according to three independent surveys.

Now here's the fact that shocks me - and to which knowing mothers everywhere will attest -researchers have found no single child-rearing task for which fathers bear primary responsibility.

There's something screamingly, horribly, terribly wrong here.

At the same time, there is more good news.

More and more parents and professionals are making exciting changes.

One such change is the DADS Family Project (Dads Actively Developing Stable Families) developed by therapists Larry Barlow and Art Cleveland.

According to Barlow and Cleveland, the program focuses on ``understanding the fathering received by the men in the group. We identify how to establish a safe and secure home. Bonding skills feature play activities and communication training. Also featured are effective discipline techniques and stress management.''

Barlow and Cleveland offer the following tips for fathers interested in fathering. I've added a few of my own as well.

1) First, an attitude shift is required. Fathering is not a part-time job. It is full time, both in attitude and in hands-on application.

2) To paraphrase Margaret Mead, ``the future of society rests on the learned nurturing behavior of its men.'' Get involved with the nurturing of your children. This includes bathing, feeding, transporting, and all the events of their lives. These are not just mothering activities, they are parenting activities.

3) Remember that fathering is a process not an event. A process requires time.

4) Consider how you were fathered. What do you want to do differently and what do you want to do the same?

If you have a child or children, then your challenge is to truly father your children, to be a father in the truest sense of the word. If you don't have any children, then find a fatherless kid who needs your attention.

There are people depending on you.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Google News Updated : Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:25:40 GMT Protests Rise in Thailand In Challenge to Regime - Wall Street Journal GulfNews Protests Rise in Thailand In Challenge to Regime Wall Street Journal - 1 hour ago By JAMES HOOKWAY and STEPHEN WRIGHT BANGKOK -- Waves of antigovernment protests spread beyond Thailand's capital Friday as clashes between police and demonstrators intensified, forcing the closure of several regional airports and disrupting rail ... Thai protest alliance not so happy with democracy The Associated Press US asks Thailand to end crisis through democratic means AFP New York Times - BBC News - guardian.co.uk - Reuters all 2,421 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:33:23 GMT Earwax: Too Much of a Good Thing? - WebMD eFluxMedia Earwax: Too Much of a Good Thing? WebMD - 5 hours ago By Kelley Colihan Aug. 29, 2008 -- The body is a miraculous mechanism. Consider the once-lowly earwax. People used to try to remove it. Leave That Ear Wax Alone Washington Post National Guideline Against Ear Poking eFluxMedia MSNBC - RedOrbit - MedPage Today - eMaxHealth.com all 36 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:32:14 GMT Aid agencies scramble to help flood victims - CNN CBC.ca Aid agencies scramble to help flood victims CNN - 39 minutes ago (CNN) -- The grinding misery triggered by the massive floods in a downtrodden part of northeastern India and across the border in Nepal persisted Friday, with government and aid agencies swinging into action to help the 2 million-plus people fleeing ... India: Up to 2000 feared dead in Bihar floods guardian.co.uk Millions displaced in Bihar floods PRESS TV Reuters India - CNN International - New York Times all 551 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:45:57 GMT Microwave baby killer convicted - BBC News BBC News Microwave baby killer convicted BBC News - 3 hours ago A US court in Dayton, Ohio, has convicted a mother of murdering her one-month-old daughter by burning her to death in a microwave oven. Video: Prosecutor: Ohio Mom Killed Baby in Microwave AssociatedPress US jury convicts mom in microwaved-baby case International Herald Tribune ToTheCenter.com - WZTV - NBC6.net - Dayton Daily News all 689 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:30:22 GMT Obama’s Plane Palin Problem - FOXNews BBC News Obama’s Plane Palin Problem FOXNews - 2 hours ago by Major Garrett Reporters covering Barack Obama heard the news aboard Obama 1 (the campaign for the first time chartered a second plane for the swelling press corps), just before takeoff. Video: Raw Video: Schwarzenegger Praises Palin kcratv “Tougher in Alaska” host Geo Beach discusses Sarah Palin Christian Science Monitor CBS News - Chicago Tribune - The Star-Ledger - NJ.com - Seattle Post Intelligencer all 5,468 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:07:29 GMT US Economy: Spending Slows, Inflation Accelerates (Update1) - Bloomberg Washington Post US Economy: Spending Slows, Inflation Accelerates (Update1) Bloomberg - 6 hours ago By Shobhana Chandra Aug. 29 (Bloomberg) -- US consumer spending grew at a slower pace in July as the impact of the tax rebates faded and a pickup in inflation eroded Americans' buying power. Bonds fall on mixed economic reports CNNMoney.com Consumer spending flags, but confidence rises Reuters Wall Street Journal - New York Times - MarketWatch - AHN all 520 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:25:06 GMT Boeing union leaders recommend strike - MarketWatch Washington Post Boeing union leaders recommend strike MarketWatch - 1 hour ago By MarketWatch Leaders of the International Machinists and Aerospace Workers on Friday rejected Boeing's third and final contract proposal and recommended its workers vote to go on strike. Union Leaders Reject Boeing Contract Offer Wall Street Journal Boeing Union Urges Workers to Reject Offer, Setting Up Strike Bloomberg Bizjournals.com - guardian.co.uk - The Associated Press - TheStreet.com all 1,041 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:15:15 GMT RSS to Blog RSS Parser

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