Discipline
Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old disciplinary phrases such as 'spare the rod and spoil the child', 'teach them a lesson' or 'set children straight' are enough to send shivers up the spine of any reasonable-minded parent.
Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.
Corporal punishment was used in schools and smacking and variations of that theme were the general tools of trade used at home. Rewards and positive reinforcement for good behaviour were usually kept for the behaving children rather than used as a mechanism to encourage better behaviour in more difficult children.
The last few decades have seen some dramatic shifts in discipline that reflect very much the social changes that have occurred. In countries such as the United States, United Kingdom and Australia discipline has swung between a very child-centred approach where it seems parents forgot that they were the adults in the parent-child relationship through to the use of parent-focused techniques that place control firmly in the hands of parents. The use of praise and a reliance on reward systems to promote appropriate behaviour are the hallmarks of these child-centred approaches.
Despite the variety of approaches available parents commonly struggle to get discipline right. Recent Australian research shows that 58 per cent of parents struggle to find the appropriate approach to disciplining their children. Most want to use different discipline techniques than their parents yet exactly which approach to use is a dilemma. As the same cohort rated developing positive attachments and good relationships with their children as their highest priority I suspect many parents are concerned with being friends to their children and tend to avoid those sticky discipline issues. Evidence from other parts of the world suggests that Australians are not the only parents who struggle to find an appropriate approach to discipline.
While the type of discipline parents use should reflect the times in which they live it is also useful to look to children and their needs. While society has changed significantly over the last few decades children and their developmental needs haven't altered much.
Children develop best in a stable environment where they are valued, loved and listened to. They prefer an orderly environment rather than a chaotic one. And they need someone in that environment who will help them learn to be safe and sociable. This is where discipline comes in.
Children in their first few years of life are hard work for any parent. This age group experience massive physical development that is not matched by the same rate of intellectual maturation. Children around the age of eighteen to thirty months are a little like international airports ? massive amounts of activity but with relatively small control towers. They need parents who adopt a patient yet varied approach to discipline so that they learn to become sociable, stay safe and gradually take responsibility for their behaviour without having their spirit squashed.
Children in the 2-3 year age group present the most challenges to parents behaviourally, with the 11-14 year age group coming a close second. It is not surprising that these two ages present most difficulty to parents, as both are significant transitions stages with children in both age groups pushing their parents hard in the pursuit of greater independence.
Evidence suggests that parents of young children need to adopt a real-life approach to discipline that is heavy on teaching rather than the punitive stuff. My own work with families suggests that those parents who base their discipline on the twin principles of consistency and prevention have generally well-behaved kids and positive relationships as well.
The notion of consistency is the biggest challenge modern parents face. Dr. Sal Severe author of the recently published book for parents "How To Behave So Your Children Will Too" says, "Consistency is the most important element in a child's relationship with their parents." He is on the money. Children need parental consistency as it gives them a sense of security and control.
Consistency means parents dealing with the little misbehaviours and not letting them grow into bigger behaviours. It means parents following through and allowing children to experience a consequence when they misbehave. It also means that both parents in a dual parent relationship have a similar approach to behaviours. Children learn from a young age to play one parent off against each other when they standards differ.
But consistency is hard these days. Consistency, like routines, is often sacrificed by busy working parents and put in the 'too hard basket'. When parents are tired, stretched and overworked the last thing they want to do is engage in a battle with children over what are sometimes petty issues. Besides consistency can make a well-meaning parent who values relationships feel downright awful.
But giving in rather than being consistent and holding ground is not a smart long-term strategy. Kids learn quickly how far they can push a parent before they give in. If you give in occasionally they will learn that if they push you hard enough and long enough you will cave in. So consistency is about being strong and holding your ground. That is hard work because Australian research reveals that the average garden-variety child will push parental boundaries about 30per cent of the time and more difficult kids push your boundaries twice that much.
But what can parents do when young children are less than perfect? Smacking is one alternative but not one recommended by this writer. Most current studies indicate that parents generally don't view smacking as a suitable method of discipline for young children, however many reluctantly admit to reverting to this method on occasions. Smacking is generally ineffective in terms of reducing misbehaviour over the long-term. In some cases, it exacerbates aggressive behaviour in young children as they learn that it is okay to use physical means to resolve problems when you have the power to do so. The notion of 'it is okay to smack if it is a little smack' holds no water. It is either a smack or not. There is no middle ground.
So if smacking is out, what's in? Timeout is a good alternative, but often misused. Timeout is effective if used to either break a young child's pattern of behaviour or interrupt a deteriorating situation. A small amount of time spent in his or her room has saved many a child's hide and his parents' sanity as they both have time to calm down. Those parents who use time-out as a punishment or a deterrent usually end up frustrated when they enter their child's room only to find him happily playing with toys. Timeout is a poor punishment but effective in helping to restore calm and giving children an opportunity to reflect.
Effective discipline with young children involves a refusal by adults to become involved in the behaviour games that they can play. Children don't act in a vacuum. They will keep those behaviours that work in terms of getting attention or some other pay-off and drop those behaviours that are ignored. So when a young child receives a long-winded reprimand from his mother as he purposely wriggles while she changes his nappy he is learning a great way to keep her busy. Similarly, a child who continuously stands up and sits down while he is being bathed is working out how he can have some fun at his mother and father's expense.
In both cases, it would be effective if the parent involved simply made the child safe and didn't respond verbally to the situation. Children in those cases generally learn that their parents are not engaging in the game they are making so they will try other ways to get some attention. However, it takes some children a while to understand so parents need to persist with their approach. Kids can't learn if we are giving them different signals ? sometimes ignoring, sometimes laughing and sometimes punishing for the same behaviour.
The language a parent uses with young children can make a huge difference. Those parents who use the language of coercion and spend a great deal of time telling children what they want them to do will generally meet with a child who refuses to cooperate. Effective parents avoid over talking at the point of misbehaviour and don't try to fight children on every battlefront.
Effective discipline of young children involves more than simply applying the right technique or strategy to match a situation. If it was that simple then dog owners would teach us a great deal about gaining cooperation from kids. "Be consistent, praise the good stuff; teach one behaviour at a time and growl at bad behaviour" is the appropriate approach for our four-legged friends. If we want perfectly obedient kids then we know the formula.
Therein lies the dilemma. We need to raise cooperative kids capable of making their own decisions, to be considerate of others and generally survive as adults. This takes time and considerable teaching and patience, not to mention the use of routines, good parental behaviour for children to copy and the opportunity for children to find a place through contribution rather than misbehaviour.
The idea of healthy relationships lies at the heart of effective discipline. Kids will only cooperate in the long term if they feel their parents are fair, care for them and have their best interests at heart. Parenting by remote control or from a distance just won't cut it with many children.
The high priority parents place on healthy relationships with children is not compromised by the need to teach them appropriate, safe and socially acceptable behaviour. In fact, good discipline and a good parent-child relationship go hand-in-hand. Parents who don't have a firm backbone generally find that their children show them little respect, which is a recipe for relationship disaster. Discipline maybe misunderstood these days but there is no mistake about its importance for children and parents.
Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.
For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.
 Google News Updated : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:50:53 GMT US space tourist set for blast-off - Reuters
Reuters - By Maria Golovnina BAIKONUR, Kazakhstan (Reuters) - US video game magnate Richard Garriott will blast off into space aboard a Russian spaceship on Sunday watched by his father, a NASA astronaut who went into space at the height of the Cold War. US space tourist set for launch Russian space chief reassures US partners Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 23:10:50 GMT YouTube to play full TV episodes with ads - Afterdawn.com
Afterdawn.com - Google has announced that it will begin offering full-length TV episodes through its YouTube platform beginning this week, thanks to a content deal with CBS. YouTube to Offer TV Shows With Ads Strewn Through YouTube beams up Star Trek for long-form video, prominent new ads Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:13:12 GMT Gay Marriage Is Ruled Legal in Connecticut - New York Times
New York Times - In Hartford, Crystal Pretzman of Willimantic, Conn., celebrated the State Supreme Court's decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Video: Connecticut Court Allows Gay Marriage Marriage ruling not the end of debate in Conn. Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:13:08 GMT GOP Officials Hope for Stability From McCain - New York Times
New York Times - By ADAM NAGOURNEY and ELISABETH BUMILLER Republican leaders across the country said Saturday that they were worried that Senator John McCain was heading for defeat unless he brought stability to his presidential candidacy and settled on a clear message ... Antiwar Protestor Disrupts McCain Iowa Rally Obama needs 75 percent turnout in Philadelphia, says Rendell Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 22:23:47 GMT Got $700 Billion? Sweat the Details - New York Times
New York Times - The bailout plan gives Henry M. Paulson Jr., the Treasury secretary, three broad choices in buying assets. By ALAN S. BLINDER THE House of Representatives was against the bailout bill before it was for it. US firms up plan to buy into banks to stem crisis Paulson Indicates Need to Purchase Bank Equity `Soon as We Can' Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 20:39:07 GMT Nobel Peace Prize winner wants jobs for the young - International Herald Tribune
International Herald Tribune - AP HELSINKI, Finland: Nobel Peace Prize winner Martti Ahtisaari said Saturday that finding jobs for more than 1 billion young people in the Middle East and Asia will be a major challenge to peacebuilding in the next decade. Video: Ex-Finland President Wins Nobel Peace Prize Nobel Finn Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 13:12:07 GMT World is united to tackle financial crisis, IMF says - MarketWatch
MarketWatch - By Rex Nutting WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) -- Financial policymakers from 180 nations around the world are united in their resolve to tackle the financial crisis, Youssef Boutros-Ghali, head of the International Monetary Fund's policy committee, ... G7 nations face going cap in hand to China Finance officials comments at IMF meetings Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 21:23:46 GMT Amazon RSS Feeds |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... A number of scientific studies have shown the way a... Read More How would you like to have a closer relationship with... Read More Picture this. Your child comes home with a special assignment... Read More Ok. So you're a dad to be. If you're like... Read More Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More "I wipe my baby's chin with my college diploma and... Read More To have reasonable expectations of our children is an important... Read More When you're a parent it's a difficult decision to know... Read More One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's... Read More Baby names are as diverse as the people to whom... Read More When you talk about multiply your child's intelligence, you can't... Read More Here is a list of ways to convey the message... Read More Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael... Read More The techniques of managing relationships between parents and their children... Read More MYTH: All teens have to rebel, and the teen years... Read More Most of us really don't like it when someone is... Read More The biggest trick some child predators' are using these days... Read More In the last few years, parents started getting more and... Read More As parents, we love our children and want to do... Read More I recently heard a story that has literally changed the... Read More Not nearly as often as it should. Most child abuse... Read More Many people still think that the game of chess is... Read More Do you struggle to get your child to bed at... Read More
Adsense
websites
Ten Tips to Stimulate Your Newborns Senses
6 Ways to Communicate Clearly with Your Teen
A Quiz for Parents: What Are They REALLY Learning?
A New Dad To Be? Deer in the headlights?
Homeschooling ? Is It Worth It?
The Graceful Art of Defrazzling - For Mothers
What Are Reasonable Expectations of a Child?
Considering Daycare? Consider the Pros and Cons
Navigating in the New World: Parents and Teenagers Growing Together
Ten Ways To Become Your Teenagers Best Friend
Naming Your Baby Is Part of The Challenge of Being a Parent
How to Give Your Child Encyclopedic Knowledge?
Powerful Tips for Increasing Your Childs Self-Esteem
Now, Theyre Bullying My Daughter In Our Home: Welcome To Cyber-Bullying
The Old and the New
Remember The Generation Gap?
Parenting Your Teenager: 4 Dangerous Myths
The Courage to Be a Loving Parent
Keeping Kids Safe on the Internet
Guide To Choosing Educational Toys For Children
Communication Mistakes Parents Often Make - And Easy Ways To Correct Them
Got To, Get To ? Change The Way Your Family Thinks
How Often Does Child Sexual Abuse Get Reported?
Develop Your Childs Genius: The King of Games - the Game of Kings
Does Your Child Need A Bedtime Routine? - Yes!
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
5 Simple Steps Guaranteed To Allow You To Spend More Time With Your Children This Summer
Look around: Your kids are counting sleeps until the last... Read More
Types of Schools for Troubled Teens
It can be difficult on all family members to have... Read More
Teenagers in America Today
"Family Matters" was the headline that caught my attention in... Read More
Choosing Names For Twins
There are many reasons for treating your twins as individuals... Read More
Parenting Your Teenager: Teens and Violence
I have a bit of a different response than most... Read More
10 Secrets To Know You?re A Good Working Parent To Your Kids!
How are parents to know they are doing the right... Read More
Why A Father Is Not A Dad
It can be said that any man who procreates is... Read More
Parental Internet Control Tips
The Internet is one of the greatest inventions of all... Read More
Personal Honor
There are moments in a parent's or grandparent's life, when... Read More
Income that PAYS Your Child Support WITHOUT Increasing Your Child Support
Child support is defined as that part of your income... Read More
Build Character with this Delicious Triple A Recipe!
Vinegar or honey, what do kids really want? "Toys, candy,... Read More
Parenting Your Teenager: Ask Questions
Many parents seem to be more than a little confused... Read More
Coping with the Stress of Moving Home and Childrens Concerns
Moving house can be an emotional experience for adults, so... Read More
Communications for Family Emergencies
You know that children can get into trouble. The older... Read More
Time To Connect With Your Teen
While on a recent trip to the grocery store, I... Read More
Exams Cause Stress For Parents Too
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
Assume Personal Responsibility? Who, Me?
As thinking, acting human beings we have the ability to... Read More
After the Driving School
If you visit search engines you can find several resources... Read More
CAMP INJURIES- 7 Things You Must Know
WHEN AN INJURY HAPPENS AT CAMP, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED... Read More
The Most Innovative New Approach for ADHD, a Natural Remedy
What's new and effective in the treatment of Attention problems?... Read More
Who Are Your Kids Talking To Online?
Studies have shown that:1 out of 4 children were sent... Read More
From Go Fast Kids to Calm Kids
How excited do kids get with the start of school... Read More
Is There Any Real Use For A Fun Quiz?
Q. I don't like my children spending so much time... Read More
Organizing a Car Wash Fundraiser
The key to a successful car wash fundraiser event is... Read More
Breastfeeding, Its My Right
My name is Duncan and I'm 2 years old. I... Read More
Parenting |