Communication Mistakes Parents Often Make - And Easy Ways To Correct Them

As parents, we love our children and want to do the best for them. At times, however, the pressures of living every day create stress and distractions for all of us. We can easily fall into communication habits that are not effective, especially when we need to discipline our children or teenagers, or to talk with them about sensitive issues.

If we can talk with our kids more effectively - if we can find ways to understand them better and get them to really hear what we are trying to say - then we can work together to create more peaceful and satisfying relationships.

So how do we change those communication habits that aren't working for us?

First we need to understand what is not working.

Let's look at five of the most common mistakes parents make in trying to talk with their children. We say "trying," because these mistakes actually create barriers to good communication.

Mistake #1: Poor Environment

By this we mean conditions around you that interfere with communication.

The first is a lack of privacy. If you need to talk with your child or teenager about something important - especially a sensitive issue - it is important to create an environment in which your child feels safe enough to open up. If other people are present, you may get denials, protests and other defensive behaviors that help your child to "save face."

Equally important are distractions that pull your attention away from the conversation. These can be such things as other people or pets, noises such as a television, or your own mental focus on other things while you are having the conversation.

Create The Ideal Environment for a Conversation:

We know there are times when it is appropriate to speak with your child even if all the above conditions are present. If a young child is misbehaving, for instance, it is important to give him immediate feedback that his behavior is not acceptable. At times when you need to have a real conversation, however, you may want to consider these guidelines:

1. Choose a quiet place where you can have privacy.

2. Choose a time that is comfortable for both of you (not just as you are getting home, feeling all the stresses of the day).

3. Be sure to remove external distractions, such as television and telephones.

4. Avoid times when either of you is mentally distracted. That means not the night before your child has a test or when you are working on a project with a close deadline.

5. Perhaps most important is YOUR ability to focus on your child, without thinking about something you need to do or something upsetting that happened during the day.

This conversation MUST engage your full attention. You will communicate more effectively and your child will get the message that he is important to you.

Mistake # 2: Talking Too Much and Not Listening Enough

Now here is an idea that may seem radical to some parents: Many times, what you have to say to your child is not as important as what your child has to say to you.

Why is that?

Your child has important information to share with you - about what happened, what led to it, what she was thinking and feeling, how she is feeling now - just for starters.

You cannot possibly help her if you don't know what is going on with her.

Another important reason not to do most of the talking is that people open up when they feel they are being heard, but they shut down when they feel they are being lectured to.

So, listening benefits everyone. You get more information about your child and she feels acknowledged and appreciated. As a result, not only will you communicate better, but the relationship will feel a lot better to both of you.

Seek First to Understand:

To help your child open up:

1. Ask inviting questions. These are questions that show an interest in her, such as:

- "Tell me what happened."

- "What would you like to do?"

- "What do you think?"

- "How did that work out for you?"

- "How did you feel?"

2. Then be sure to REALLY listen, with the intention of understanding what is going on with your child.

3. Be aware of your child's emotional energy. Is she sad, frustrated, angry, depressed, optimistic, excited, peaceful, agitated?? If you take time to observe, you will sense how she's feeling. It's okay to say something like, "You seem sad today. Did something happen that made you sad?"

Whether she tells you or not, it's good to let her know that you want to help and you're there for her when she feels like talking about it.

4. When you do talk, ALWAYS start by affirming your child.

Tell her that you appreciate her or acknowledge something you admire about her. Help her to feel that she is important to you - just the way she is already.

It is important that your child knows that you love her without conditions. Let her know that she does not need to do certain things or be a certain way to earn your love. She needs the security of knowing that your love is a constant in her life.

5. If you do need to correct your child, do it in a way that supports her learning and growing. Ask questions such as:

- "How did that work for you?"

- "How do you feel about that?"

- "How do you think (the other person involved) felt?"

- "What could you do next time so it would work out better for everyone?"

6. Let your child contribute to the solution. When you invite her to share her ideas, you may be surprised at the wisdom she brings to the situation.

Mistake # 3: Criticizing, Blaming, and Labeling

Let's be very clear about this one. Not only does repeated criticism cause deep emotional and psychological scars, scientific evidence suggests that it actually causes alterations in the child's brain.

That alone is reason enough not to use this approach with our children. But just in case we need another reason, it simply doesn't get us what we want. Most people shut down when they feel they are being attacked, so real communication isn't possible.

If our goal, as parents, is to help our children to become responsible, happy, successful adults, then they need to feel good about themselves.

As parents, we are, for many years, the most important influence on our children. They take what we say very seriously.

Children who are often put-down develop a negative idea of who they are, and that will play out in everything they think and do. In fact, our children often BECOME the labels we put on them.

Look for Ways to Build Your Child Up:

1. When you begin a conversation, especially one that is difficult or sensitive, be sure to say something positive first. That sets the tone for what follows. It tells your child that you value and appreciate him.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, use words that put your child down. If you find yourself falling into that pattern, ask yourself if that is the way you want your child to show up every day.

3. Pay special attention whenever you use the word "you." Be sure to follow it with words that build him up, and remind him of the positive things that you see in him.

4. Allow your child to experience the "natural consequences" of his behavior. Every decision has certain results that occur naturally. By allowing that process to play out, you allow your child to learn what works and what doesn't.

5. Then as a parent, you are not the "heavy," but rather, your child's teacher, life coach, supporter. That allows you to affirm him and encourage him. Then you can help him use the experience to learn more about himself and his world, and how to participate in a way that works for him and the people around him.

Mistake # 4: Disregarding Your Child's Ideas

Children of all ages need to have some say in what happens to them. They also need to feel understood, especially by their parents.

When these two conditions exist, your children are much more likely to let you know what is happening in their lives, to cooperate with you and to participate in your family.

Now let us be clear. We are not advocating letting your children run your household. But we have observed that many parents are battling daily with their children over unimportant issues, such as clothing and hair styles. This causes unnecessary tension in your home and can be exhausting.

Children have good ideas and they have personal preferences. When they are allowed some choices and encouraged to contribute to family discussions about issues that affect them, they learn how to make good decisions, develop a positive self-image and become more responsible. Everybody wins.

Include Your Child at Every Opportunity:

1. Give your child choices whenever possible, in ways that are appropriate to her age and ability.

Even a very young child can choose between two outfits you selected. An older child can choose her clothing for school from the whole closet full. And yes, those wild hairstyles that teenagers like may seem odd to you - even ugly - but it is a harmless way for your child to claim her individuality. That is part of the process of becoming an adult.

2. Ask for your child's ideas whenever possible - not just about superficial things, but also when making family decisions.

You will be surprised at how much wisdom she has - even at an early age. You will also notice that when you listen to her ideas, she will cooperate with you more and .contribute more to your family.

3. Let go of your need to control him.

We don't mean that you should allow your child to behave in inappropriate ways or have no limits. But the next time you are about to have a battle with him, you might ask yourself if this is an issue about his safety or well-being or a moral decision. If it is not, then ask yourself what harm could come from allowing him to try it his way.

When your child is allowed to make some of his own decisions, he is in the process of becoming a responsible adult. Isn't that what you want for him?

4. Include her in problem-solving.

You will be amazed at how creative she can be. We all see things differently, and you may find that your child's perspective was just the answer you were looking for.

5. Have regular family meetings.

If you are not already doing it, we encourage you to meet with your family on a regular basis, and invite everyone's ideas about issues such as chores, family rules and where to go for a family outing. When families sit down together to talk about issues that affect all of them, everyone feels like part of the team.

Mistake # 5: Communicating When Angry or Frustrated

This may be the most important issue of all.

Whenever you talk with your child, your feelings set the tone of that conversation, no matter what words you use.

When you are angry or frustrated with your child, he FEELS that energy and receives the message it carries, even before you speak.

We have all experienced this. Have you ever entered a room and immediately felt uncomfortable. Sometimes people say, "the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife." Well children are very good at picking up those invisible energies that swirl around us, and they respond to our unspoken messages.

If you are angry, it will trigger a response in your child - perhaps anger in return, perhaps defensive denials, perhaps total shut-down. In any case, it will set up serious barriers to communication. Whatever you wanted to say will likely get lost in the process.

Bring Inviting, Welcoming Energy to Every Conversation.

This creates the possibility of a real, meaningful conversation, rather than just a confrontation. Your child is more likely to tell you what is going on with him, and you will be more able to hear from him without your own pre-judgments getting in the way.

As a result, you will be more likely to understand the situation, so you can work together to reach a positive resolution.

How Can You Create Welcoming, Inviting Energy?

Before you interact with your child, it is important to shift your energy from the anger and frustration. This is easier if you are alone and in a quiet place. Driving home from work is a good time to do this.

1. First, get in your heart. Stop focusing on the things that caused your anger, and shift your attention to things about your child that you appreciate.

2. Connect with the love you already have for your child. Remember times when love welled up within you - perhaps the day he was born. Perhaps a time when you were enjoying each other and it felt good to be together. Allow yourself to FEEL the love.

3. Bring that love energy into your conversation. Your child will feel it and will be more likely to respond by letting down defenses and being more open. Then you can have a real, meaningful conversation.

Best of all, being together will FEEL GOOD. Isn't that what you want for your family?

Pat and Larry Downing have many years of experience counseling teenagers and their parents, conducting family mediations and leading workshops and support groups. They are authors of the e-Book, "Feel Good Parenting: How to Use the Power of Your Heart to Create an Extraordinary Relationship with Your Child."

For more information on how to create relationships that are peaceful, harmonious, cooperative and joyful, you may go to go to http://www.feelgoodparenting.com to sign up for a free e-Course and a free e-zine for parents.

This article is copyright protected.

PERMISSION TO REPUBLISH: This article may be republished, provided you include ALL the above information about the authors, as it appears, including copyright information and live website link.

---

Google News Updated : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 11:51:33 GMT 1.5 million G1 Android phones pre-ordered - TG Daily Product Reviews 1.5 million G1 Android phones pre-ordered TG Daily - 6 hours ago By Wolfgang Gruener Chicago (IL) - T-Mobile’s upcoming G1 may not be the best-looking iPhone rival, it may not have the most complete feature set and T-Mobile may have undersold the device at the recent launch event. Get ready for next-gen mobile InfoWorld HTC G1 Android Phone Racks up 1.5 Million Pre-orders eFluxMedia Brighthand - InformationWeek - ReadWriteWeb - ZDNet all 153 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 05:21:21 GMT Fantastic finishes: 5 NFL games down to the wire - Washington Post Washington Post Fantastic finishes: 5 NFL games down to the wire Washington Post - 3 hours ago Dallas Cowboys' Mat McBriar (1) has his punt blocked by Arizona Cardinals' Sean Morey as Monty Beisel (52) looks on during overtime of an NFL football game Sunday, Oct. 12, 2008 in Glendale, Ariz. Blocked punt downs Dallas San Francisco Chronicle Backups Burst Through Line and Lift Cardinals in Overtime New York Times Sports Network - FOXSports.com - Houston Chronicle - Philadelphia Inquirer all 749 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 08:15:50 GMT Manatee dies before reaching rehab site - Boston Globe WHDH-TV Manatee dies before reaching rehab site Boston Globe - 4 hours ago By Emily Canal After a 27-hour trip to Florida, Dennis the manatee, rescued from the frigid waters of Cape Cod, died in Orlando yesterday as SeaWorld employees carted the mammal to a rehabilitation center. Video: Rescued Manatee Dies After Mass. Rescue AssociatedPress Manatee rescued off Cape Cod dies en route to Florida Sea World New York Daily News WFLA - eFluxMedia - Cape Cod Times - South Coast Today all 565 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:21:21 GMT European, Asian markets bounce back - The Associated Press Vancouver Sun European, Asian markets bounce back The Associated Press - 1 hour ago LONDON (AP) - European markets opened strongly Monday following Asia's lead in response to the widespread government efforts over the weekend to shore up the world's troubled financial system. The financial crisis A light at the end of the tunnel? Economist World stock markets welcome European bank rescue AFP MSN Money - New York Times - New Straits Times - Voice of America all 769 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:23:04 GMT Dodgers stand up to Phillies in Game 3 win - FOXSports.com Washington Post Dodgers stand up to Phillies in Game 3 win FOXSports.com - 4 hours ago by Ken Rosenthal Ken Rosenthal has been the senior baseball writer for FOXSports.com since Aug. 2005. He appears weekly on the FSN Baseball Report and MLB on FOX. LA revitalized at Moyer's expense MLB.com Kuroda's pitch serves its purpose for Dodgers USA Today New York Times - Los Angeles Times - Boston Globe - Philadelphia Daily News all 2,467 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:00:36 GMT UK government takes stake in three banks - CNN International Canada.com UK government takes stake in three banks CNN International - 32 minutes ago LONDON, England (CNN) -- The British government on Monday said it would make a multi-billion investment in three of the country's major banks to help them through the "first financial crisis of the global age. In quotes: Bank bail-out reaction BBC News TEXT-Lloyds TSB terms for acquisition of HBOS Reuters guardian.co.uk - Wall Street Journal - Bloomberg - AFP all 1,923 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 11:18:47 GMT Forecast: Summery Sunshine Sticks Around - Washington Post Chicagoist Forecast: Summery Sunshine Sticks Around Washington Post - 2 hours ago Columbus Day will feel a lot more like Labor Day as temperatures climb to around 80 degrees. This unseasonably warm weather will continue for the next several days. Enjoy a warm, sunny Columbus Day Times Herald-Record Beautiful start to the work week The Star-Ledger - NJ.com The Capital Times - Journal and Courier - Richmond Times Dispatch - The Virginian-Pilot all 241 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 09:03:26 GMT RSS to HTML Website Traffic Promotion

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Single Mother Sanity Savers Pt. 1

Being a single mother is no easy task. I know.... Read More

Refresher Course on Diapering for Dads

It's among the top criticism wives have of their husbands:... Read More

More than Mom and Dad

Love, love, love. It makes the world go round. It... Read More

Attaboy! Encouraging Phrases That Build Confidence

Home, home on the range, Where never is heard A... Read More

Grandparents --- Homeschool Your Grandchildren and Feel Younger

Grandparents, what better way to stay close to your grown... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: 6 Tips for Dealing with Bad Report Cards

One of the basic issues we need to understand is... Read More

How Effective Are Ritalin and Dexedrine in Treating the Symptoms of ADHD?

Many research studies have shown the overall effectiveness of stimulant... Read More

God Dont Like Rich People

I will never forget the day that my daughter's sixth... Read More

Elephants and Teenagers

Something eerily familiar happened in KwaZulu-Natal's Hluhluwe-Umfolozi Park in Africa... Read More

Marriage, Divorce, and Kids

Are men to blame for the divorce problem in this... Read More

How NOT to Motivate Your Children and Students

Chaim Ginott was a schoolteacher whose ideas and observations helped... Read More

Now, Theyre Bullying My Daughter In Our Home: Welcome To Cyber-Bullying

Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More

Advocating for Your Child with LD

Advocate: you've probably heard the term before. But what does... Read More

Managing Your Stepfamily

If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know... Read More

How Do I Get My Child to Read?

Well first off, please to don't institute the ½ hour... Read More

Building Self Confidence

Several similar terms describe the central attribute of a character... Read More

Fizzy Sherbet ? A Sweet Science Lesson for Your Kids!

Fizzy sherbet in a paper bag with a strawberry lollipop... Read More

Parents --- Your Childrens Report Card May Be Rigged

Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More

Small Children, Languages and Myths

Our children are growing up bilingual in the French part... Read More

Parenting - The Irrational Vocation

There are some grounds to assume that a cognitive dissonance... Read More

Children Need Roots and Wings

"Good parents give their children Roots and Wings." --Jonas SalkThe... Read More

The Top 10 Tips for Communicating with Children

Most people have more training before they receive their driver's... Read More

Let?s Google and Yahoo Our Kids? Education

I love Google and Yahoo. With Google and Yahoo I... Read More

Navigating in the New World: Parents and Teenagers Growing Together

One of the most prevalent myths of our modern culture... Read More

Are Parents Trying Too Hard?

One of the implications of the current trend toward smaller... Read More