Break Free From Power Struggles

You want your daughter to wear a dress to the party. She wants to wear jeans. You want your toddler to take his medicine. He does everything he can to keep that yucky stuff out of his mouth. The more you insist, the more they resist. You can break free from power struggles and turn turbulence into positive growth opportunities by putting a few helpful tips in place:

* Step back and view the big picture. How do you respond when your kids challenge your authority? If you view your kids as "willful," or "bad," consider this: it is developmentally appropriate for kids to test their boundaries. As children grow they have a natural desire to make their own decisions and do things for themselves. They want to separate from their parents and function under their own power. Instead of viewing this as threatening, view it as a necessary part of growing up.

By taking on a big picture view, your emotions won't overpower your judgement when dealing with power hungry kids. When you exert your will through force and intimidation, one of two negative side effects occurs: either your children give in and lose motivation to make decisions for themselves, or they rebel, fighting back against you. When children push for power, remind yourself that a positive response from you can set a course for cooperation and empowerment.

* Break negative patterns. Power struggles follow a pattern like the steps of a dance. They do "this," you do "that." Change the pattern and you change the course of your relationship. Anne has a pattern of engaging Mom in power struggles over her curfew. Anne tells mom, "I'm staying out late." Mom says, "No you aren't." Anne protests. Mom yells. Anne glares. Mom punishes. Anne seeks revenge with rebellious behavior. It's always the same pattern. Once Mom recognized the pattern, she made a conscious decision to change it. The next time Anne said she wanted to stay out late, Mom had a new response. She said, "You really want to stay out late tonight don't you dear?" Anne started to protest out of habit, then looked at Mom in shock. "Yes," Anne said, "I want to stay at Kims house until 11 p.m.." Mom listened to Anne's feelings assuring her that when she got older, she could stay out later.

* Allow kids to make some choices. Lots of parents report success at sidestepping the initial power struggle. Then, they slip back into yelling out orders which sets the pattern back in motion. This can be avoided by giving kids choices that allow both your needs to be met. Judy doesn't want to wash her sticky fingers. Instead of fighting with her, Dad gives Judy a choice, "Do you want to wash with bar soap or liquid soap?" Judy picks liquid soap.

Kids want power. When you give them choices within reasonable limits, it's much easier for them to cooperate. The key to making choices work is to only give choices you are willing to accept. Give "real" choices not manipulative ones, such as this: "You can choose to eat your tuna fish sandwich or choose to lose television for the day." That's not an empowering choice. When you allow children some sense of power in their life, even if it's something small, like what color cup they drink from, what bedtime story they hear, or whether they want to do homework before or after dinner, their esteem grows as they enjoy some control over their lives.

* Empower your kids. When you cannot seem to break free from a power struggle, ask yourself, "How can I empower my child in this situation?" Jane argued with Michael about eating junk food. Every time her back was turned, he devoured everything. Jane decided to give Michael power by telling him, "Michael, I bought one box of girl scout cookies. I will not be buying more snacks until next week. You are in charge of how you want to eat your snacks. You can eat them quickly or make them last throughout the week." Michael counted the cookies in the box and made a remarkably sensible plan for snacking. No more power struggle.

* Do the unexpected. Using humor helps to side step power struggles. Breaking out into a foreign accent or cartoon character voice can lighten the mood. When things are getting tense, wave your hand in the air and say, "Lets erase this whole conversation and start over again." Walk out of the room and come back in, starting over on a calmer note. This can be enough to set things back on track.

* Focus on solutions. Power struggles create a win-lose attitude. No one truly wins unless you both win. Teach kids the importance of listening to and considering each person's point of view. Show them how to look for solutions that work for all. You can say to your child, "Lets see if we can come up with some ideas that take both our needs into consideration."

* Disagreements and disrespect are two different things. Do you believe your children should never say "no" to you? Instead of viewing "no" as a sign of disrespect, view it as a disagreement. We encourage our kids to say "no" to drugs and peer pressure. While teaching kids to stand up for themselves, we must realize there will be times they will stand up for themselves with us. The key is to teach kids to show respect during disagreements. When Andy said, "You can't make me eat those peas. Get them off my plate," it didn't go over well with Dad. He sidestepped the power struggle by saying, "Andy, it's easier for me to be helpful to you if you say something like, 'Dad, I would rather not eat peas with dinner.'" Every time you take a respectful approach with your children you model peaceful ways of dealing with disagreements.

Marilyn Suttle presents parenting and work/life communication keynotes and workshops for corporations and associations. To receive her FREE e-newsletter: Life in Balance: Thriving Kids/Thriving Parents, visit: www.SuttleOnline.NET, or reach her directly at 1-248-348-1023.

---

Google News Updated : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:25:37 GMT Thai Protest Stops Trains and Planes - New York Times Times Online Thai Protest Stops Trains and Planes New York Times - 54 minutes ago By THOMAS FULLER BANGKOK - Protesters in Thailand ratcheted up their campaign to oust the government on Friday, broadening their occupation to stop trains and block provincial airports, as well as waging an unsuccessful attack on police headquarters ... Thai rioters attack police station Aljazeera.net UPDATE 8-Thai protests hit police HQ, disrupt airports Reuters The Associated Press - guardian.co.uk - United Press International - AFP all 2,319 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:31:31 GMT Mayor Melton Advises Public of West Nile Precautions - WLBT-TV Mayor Melton Advises Public of West Nile Precautions WLBT-TV - 57 minutes ago When planning outdoor activities this Labor Day weekend, Jackson residents are encouraged to reduce their risk of contracting West Nile virus by protecting themselves from mosquito bites and removing sources of standing water near their homes. DELAWARE: West Nile virus appears later than usual Bethany Beach Wave West Nile victim's widow ponders his death Newsday Los Angeles Times - eFluxMedia - WSYR - The Olympian all 545 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:28:14 GMT Evacuations begin in Louisiana - Houston Chronicle Calgary Herald Evacuations begin in Louisiana Houston Chronicle - 1 hour ago By DANE SCHILLER Copyright 2008 Houston Chronicle NEW ORLEANS - About 1000 disabled and elderly residents west of the city are being evacuated this afternoon and New Orleans officials are considering whether to order more people out of the projected ... Video: New Orleans Braces For Gustav CBS Gulf Coast prepares as storm Gustav approaches The Associated Press BBC News - ABC News - Bloomberg - The Swamp - Tribune's Washington Bureau all 4,379 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:56:04 GMT Detroit mayor's political future back in court - The Associated Press Washington Post Detroit mayor's political future back in court The Associated Press - 1 hour ago DETROIT (AP) - A lawyer for Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick asked a judge Friday to freeze next week's hearing that could remove him from office, accusing Gov. Judge to decide Tuesday on mayor's bid to halt ouster DetNews.com Hearing under way on suit against Granholm Detroit Free Press Chicago Tribune - Crain's Detroit Business - MyFox Detroit - New York Times all 1,672 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:06:32 GMT Microsoft to Buy Greenfield, Adding European Web Shopping Site - Bloomberg Siliconrepublic.com Microsoft to Buy Greenfield, Adding European Web Shopping Site Bloomberg - 1 hour ago By Phil Serafino and Dina Bass Aug. 29 (Bloomberg) -- Microsoft Corp., seeking to catch Google Inc. in the Internet-search market, agreed to buy Greenfield Online Inc. for $486 million to add Web sites that help consumers find product reviews and ... Survey Says ... Microsoft Is a Smart Shopper Motley Fool Microsoft to buy price comparison website Financial Times BetaNews - Red Herring - Web Host Industry Review - Xconomy all 356 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:24:21 GMT In Lack of Health Insurance Coverage Texas Is First - eMaxHealth.com Ontario Now In Lack of Health Insurance Coverage Texas Is First eMaxHealth.com - 3 hours ago Texas is at the top of the heap again - this time we are the most uninsured state, health care-wise, in the country. Oh wait, being without health insurance coverage is not a good thing, is it? Number of uninsured Americans drops Bizjournals.com Update2: Number Of Americans Without Health Insurance Drops eFluxMedia dBTechno - UT The Daily Texan - Bolingbrook Sun - U.S. News & World Report all 336 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:22:00 GMT Gustav on the Brink of Explosive Development - Washington Post Telegraph.co.uk Gustav on the Brink of Explosive Development Washington Post - 1 hour ago Over the past 48 hours Tropical Storm Gustav proved it was a survivor, as it withstood difficult journeys over Haiti and Jamaica. Now it may turn into a monster. Video: Gustav Set to Batter Cuba, Enter Gulf of Mexico AssociatedPress Gustav threatens Caymans after swamping Jamaica The Associated Press KIII TV3 - AFP - Voice of America - AccuWeather.com all 5,361 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:05:23 GMT Clickbank Content Make Money Online

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Choosing the Perfect Jogging Stroller

When choosing the perfect jogging stroller, a very important question... Read More

Co-sleeping, a personal story

When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More

Create Your Dream Family

There has been much attention in the media of late... Read More

Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive

In an actual war, to be attacked means to have... Read More

Confident Kids : Why Some Parents Should Carry a Health Warning

As a hypnotherapist, I am acutely aware of the power... Read More

Use Encouragement Instead of Criticism to Help Children Improve

Criticism is punitiveOur children judge themselves on the opinions we... Read More

Keep the Little Ones Safe, Follow Pool Safety Guidelines

Pool safety should be on the minds of every parent... Read More

ADHD: A Dialogue With a Non-Believer, part three

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

How to Take Charge of the TV

Many children enjoy TV, and they can learn from it.... Read More

Who Are Your Kids Talking To Online?

Studies have shown that:1 out of 4 children were sent... Read More

How to Put Your Kids (Or Grandkids) On the Fast Track to Success

Working with adults (as well as children and teens) for... Read More

When Time Out Dont Work

Joey steps away from his time out chair "I won't... Read More

Raising a Violent-Free Teen in 10 Easy Steps

The disquieting behavior of teenagers in the 21st century, is... Read More

Games Of The Past Meet The Present

Recently, our family had the opportunity to care for sisters'... Read More

The Scientific Breakthrough That Allows Every Couple To Choose The Gender Of Their Baby

The advances in science over the past century have been... Read More

Want To Further Your Childrens Studies?

Being in a competitive world, the lowest qualification to secure... Read More

The Effects of Televised Sexual Content on Adolescents

According to a September 2004 study by the RAND Corporation,... Read More

7 Ways to Survive the Start of the School Year

It happens every year. Just when you are settled in... Read More

The Value of Play

Isn't it ironic that a country whose constitution allows for... Read More

Water! Water Everywhere!

What one word best sums up summer fun? Water. I... Read More

Mommy, I Can?t Sleep! Sleep Disturbance in Children

"Just turn the lights off and go to sleep"Do you... Read More

In Defense of the Jelly Bean

Should a parent give a child a tangible reward when... Read More

Parents, Teach Thought-Stopping! Fix Crooked Thinking Caps

Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe,... Read More

Why Consistency Is The Key To Raising Well-behaved Kids

Being consistent when children are less than perfect can make... Read More

Healthy Eating Alone Is Not The Answer

Along with eating healthier we need to be more active.... Read More