Boundaries - Why Theyre Needed

Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life, has no
self-control, and lacks respect for others. If these were the qualities of
your son, how would you feel for his future wives?

Yes, wives is plural, this is one major reason we need to set boundaries
for our children ­ their future. One study showed that children born
recently on average will have more spouses than kids. Here are a few
examples of children who lack boundaries:

1. Little Johnny walks right into his parent's bedroom whenever he wants.
It does not matter if the door was open or closed.
2. Twelve year-old Steve frequently changes the channel on the television.
It does not matter if anyone was watching a show or not.
3. Susie blames others for her mistakes. It always seems to be her
teacher's fault, brother's fault, or a friend's fault when something does
not go right.
4. Marie is uncomfortable with how her boyfriend treats her and pressures
her for sex. She keeps dating him because she questions who else would want
to date her.

Without boundaries children will have problems in relationships, school, and
life. Many times addictive behavior can be traced to lack of boundaries.
Here are a few results that can occur:
1. Children can have controlling behavior
2. Children can be motivated by guilt or anger.
3. Without firm boundaries children are more likely to follow their peer
group. For example, making unwise choices on sex, drinking, or driving.
4. Children do not own their own behavior or consequences, which can lead to
a life of turmoil.
5. Children may allow others to think for them.
6. They may allow someone else to define what his or her abilities will be.
This denies their maximum potential.
7. When someone has weak boundaries they pick up other's feelings.
8. Weak boundaries may make it hard to tell where we end and another person
begins.

What is a parent to do? Many times we hinder our children from developing
boundaries. Realize we must teach our children boundaries; they are not
born with them. Here are a few suggestions to help develop boundaries.

1. Recognize and respect the child's boundaries. For example, knock on
their closed bedroom door instead of just walking in.
2. Set our own boundaries and have consequences for crossing them.
3. Avoid controlling the child.
4. Give two choices; this helps our children learn decision-making skills.
5. When you recognize that boundaries need to be set. Do it clearly, do it
without anger, and use as few words as possible.
6. We need to say what hurts us and what feels good.
7. It may be difficult to set a boundary. You may feel afraid, ashamed, or
nervous, that's okay, do it any ways.

Another way to work with boundaries and children is to model these for our
children.
1. Recognize your physical boundaries.
2. You have the right to request proper treatment, for example, poorly
prepared meals in a restaurant should be sent back, ask others to smoke away
from your space, and ask that loud music be turned down.
3. Share your opinions with your children. Allow your children their
opinions. Opinions are not right or wrong. This will help them think for
themselves.
4. Teach them how you decide on the choices you make.
5. Lets own what we do and what we don't do. Take responsibility for when
things go wrong.
6. Accept your thoughts, it is who you are.
7. Discover what your limits are, emotional and physical.

Setting boundaries is all about taking care of ourselves. This is the first
guideline we teach in our workshops. Other benefits include:
1. We will learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.
2. Boundaries are also the key to having a loving relationship.
3. Boundaries will help us with our personal growth.
4. We will learn to listen to ourselves (trusting our intuition). We
also will learn to respect and care for others and ourselves.
5. Boundaries will aid us in the workplace.

Boundaries are all about freedom and recognizing when these freedoms have been crossed. Boundaries give us a framework in which to negotiate life events. Recognizing and acting when our boundaries have been crossed will protect our freedom. Boundaries lead to winning relationships for both
parties. By building foundations based on mutual trust, love, and respect we can expect our children to grow up more tolerant and with a mature character. Simply put, boundaries simplify life.

Derek and Gail Randel M.D. are parent coaches who have customized programs
for corporations, schools, and parent groups. They can be reached at Parent Smart from the
Heart, 1-866-89-SMART, www.parentsmartfromtheheart.com , www.stoppingschoolviolence.com or
info@randelconsulting.com

---

Google News Updated : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:51:58 GMT Ford Has $8.7 Billion Loss, Shifts Away From Trucks (Update4) - Bloomberg Ford Has $8.7 Billion Loss, Shifts Away From Trucks (Update4) Bloomberg - 44 minutes ago By Bill Koenig July 24 (Bloomberg) -- Ford Motor Co., the world's third- biggest automaker, posted a record quarterly loss of $8.7 billion and accelerated a conversion to fuel-efficient vehicles to wean itself from money-losing trucks. Ford's Worst Quarter Ever BusinessWeek Ford Posts Loss of $8.7 Billion on Asset Woes New York Times Forbes - CNNMoney.com - Reuters - Los Angeles Times all 1,181 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:07:48 GMT FOX News Poll: No Bounce for Obama From Overseas Trip - FOXNews ABC News FOX News Poll: No Bounce for Obama From Overseas Trip FOXNews - 27 minutes ago By Dana Blanton The significant news coverage Barack Obama is receiving on his foreign trip has not translated into a bounce in his numbers, a just-released FOX News poll shows. Wanted: 2 million poll workers for November The Associated Press Comment by Leonard Steinhorn Prof, School of Communication, American University New York Times - CNN - United Press International - PolitickerCA all 689 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:24:50 GMT Would UN Security Council Postpone Any Prosecution of Sudanese Leader? - Voice of America Voice of America Would UN Security Council Postpone Any Prosecution of Sudanese Leader? Voice of America - 1 hour ago By Joe De Capua As the International Criminal Court (ICC) considers whether to issue arrest warrants for Sudanese President al-Bashir, some are calling on the UN Security Council to block the action. Sudan's Beshir pledges peace as he leaves Darfur AFP Jordan's lower house opposes charges against Sudanese president Xinhua Hindu - Los Angeles Times - istockAnalyst.com - AllAfrica.com all 1,823 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:30:10 GMT Health Buzz: A $500 million Antismoking Campaign and Other Health News - U.S. News & World Report BBC News Health Buzz: A $500 million Antismoking Campaign and Other Health News U.S. News & World Report - 3 hours ago Billionaires Bill Gates and New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg announced yesterday that they'll contribute a combined $500 million to a worldwide antismoking campaign, the New York Times reports. Video: Gates, Bloomberg Pool Riches to Fight Smoking AssociatedPress The $500 million war on smoking Minneapolis Star Tribune Reuters - Newsday - Economist - California Healthline all 639 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:43:30 GMT Swimmer’s Positive Test Puts Olympic Berth Doubt - New York Times New York Times Swimmer’s Positive Test Puts Olympic Berth Doubt New York Times - 30 minutes ago By KAREN CROUSE The swimmer Jessica Hardy has not been penalized for a doping offense despite published reports that she tested positive for a banned substance. Video: Source:Hardy Tests Positive for Banned Substance AssociatedPress Sequence doesn't make Sense Los Angeles Times Gay Wired - Palo Alto Online - The Wenatchee World Online - The Associated Press all 750 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:21:30 GMT South Texas begins cleanup after Hurricane Dolly - The Associated Press Calgary Herald South Texas begins cleanup after Hurricane Dolly The Associated Press - 30 minutes ago HARLINGEN, Texas (AP) - Residents across south Texas slogged through knee-deep muddy waters, tiptoed around downed power lines and dug through debris Thursday, but were thankful that Hurricane Dolly didn't pack the wallop they had feared. Video: Tropical Storm Dolly Causes Flood Worries AssociatedPress Dolly weakens, pushes inland USA Today East Valley Tribune - AHN - KIII TV3 - KVIA all 7,399 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:21:14 GMT Arizona reports first West Nile death of 2008 - Bizjournals.com TheMedGuru Arizona reports first West Nile death of 2008 Bizjournals.com - 1 hour ago Arizona has reported its first death from the West Nile virus this year. It also is the first West Nile death in the US this year. First bird in Nassau tests positive for West Nile Newsday Fighting West Nile Alexandria Gazette Packet KTAR.com - AZFamily - FOXBusiness - Boston Globe all 231 news articles Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:45:00 GMT Work From Home RSS to HTML

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