Dont Get Hysterical About The Historical

The tension was palpable in the room as I began the first marital counseling session ever for the couple who had passed their 50th anniversary several years before. After a few pleasantries designed to put them more at ease, I invited, "Tell me about what brought you here."

Immediately, she straightened up in her chair and asserted boldly, "I'll start!"

"Go ahead," I said.

She continued, "Let me tell you what this man did to me on our honeymoon!"

I glanced at her partner, and immediately I could see that this was definitely not the first time he had heard this story. I groaned to myself, "I should have scheduled more than one hour for this session!"

Clinging to the past?especially the negative past?can wreak havoc in workplace harmony, organizational progress, and personal peace.

LETTING GO OF HOLDING ON

Do you find it difficult to let go of holding on?

What experiences in your past do you hold on to, either deliberately or unintentionally? The woman in the counseling session had chosen to hold on to her husband's perceived transgressions, enumerating them for him at every opportunity. Sometimes, however, your past difficult experiences seem to interfere against your will with your life today.

A recent issue of Workforce Magazine listed "The Simmering Malaise" as one of the 25 strongest trends. They attributed this negative emotional undercurrent to the past few years of workplace trauma?downsizing, diminished financial benefits, loss of opportunity.

Things happen in our personal lives, too.

I heard about one guy who admitted, "I've had trouble with both of my wives."

"What kind of trouble?"

"First one ran off on me."

"And the second?"

"Didn't."

Have you experienced traumatic events in your past or work life? If you have, and especially if you haven't been able to come to terms with them emotionally, you may find yourself overreacting any time something remotely reminds you of them. You may become anxious, leading you to misinterpret, suspect, and emotionally exaggerate.

HOW TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND REACH FOR THE FUTURE

Minimize the toll that unresolved history can have on your present life. Don't let past events rob you of life quality today.

1. Do the necessary emotional work, if you haven't already.

Unresolved grief, often masked by anger, can continue to distort your perceptions and keep you from free, positive actions in situations you confront today. When the damaging event(s) happened, how did you deal with them? Did you refuse to acknowledge the reality of your powerlessness to change what happened, mentally or behaviorally resolving to even the score? Did you stay busy, busy, busy so that you wouldn't think about it? Did you become angry and stay there?

If you answered "yes," to any of those questions, you may have some grief work to do. Spend time focusing on the emotional losses you experienced and let it hurt. I know, that's not fun. Remember, though, grief is temporary. And it persistently insists on your attention until you do it.

Courageously do the necessary grief work; it can free you from the grip your past.

2. Check your reactions for "overgeneralization."

When you have experienced a painful situation, it's easy to transfer your reaction to other situations that are in any way similar to it.

When my children were little, they were less than thrilled with their visits to the pediatrician, especially on the days they got shots. The doctor wore a white jacket. One day I was getting a prescription filled at the drugstore and my daughter began to cry loudly. I couldn't figure out why. Finally, she pointed to the druggist who was wearing a white coat and asked, "Am I going to have to get a shot?"

Have you ever had the experience of having an unusual negative reaction to someone you just met, without apparent bad behavior on their part? Do you sometimes jump to conclusions about others' motives, based on experiences you've had with people in your past? If so, you may have a tendency to overgeneralize, projecting your past onto your present.

Learn to separate "then" and "now."

3. Confront your fears. When you've been through work or personal trauma, it's normal to want to avoid such experiences in the future. However, avoidance can grow and can actually increase your overall level of fear.

As soon as possible, confront feared situations. Prepare yourself with courage, self-encouragement, and realistic skills.

"Get back on the bicycle after you take a tumble."

4. Rewrite history, with clearer emotional vision and self compassion.

Yes, there's a sense in which you can rewrite your history. You may be carrying memories that you stored at a time when you had limited understanding . It's easy to harshly judge your reactions from your current vantage point. "I should have known better." But did you know better then? Or were you doing the best you knew to do at the time?

As a more mature and experienced individual, you can look back on your life experiences with a broader, more balanced, more compassionate view. This will not change the facts of the events, but it may well change the meaning and interpretation you give them. That can make all the difference in the degree to which you continue to berate and condemn yourself. H.W. Beecher said, "Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation."

5. Practice Forgiveness.

When you refuse to forgive others for the harm they caused you, you tie yourself to them forever. You ensure that the traumatic experiences will rule your life and rob you of the freedom to build genuine life quality and experience peace.

George Herbert said, "He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself."

I've had people protest to me, "But if I forgive them, they'll go scot free!"

The truth is, your lack of forgiveness is not harming them, it's harming you.

Forgive to release yourself.

6. Learn from everything, and use it to build a stronger life and future.

I believe that every single thing that happens to us has gifts in it, if we look for them. Closed doors may cause us to step out into areas we would never have tackled under more comfortable circumstances. The loss of a valued support person can stimulate the development of self reliance as well as new connections. Being forced to leave a company during downsizing can be the impetus to explore new job opportunities or to start your own business.

One of the very best gifts in life's challenges is the opportunity to learn?to discover how to begin again, more intelligently.

Madame Chiang Kai-shek observed, "We live in the present. We dream of the future. But we learn eternal truths from the past." Learn to extract wisdom from your experiences.

Charles Kettering estimated that 99 percent of success is built on former failure.

Boy, do I find that comforting!

Dr. Bev Smallwood is a psychologist who has worked with organizations across the globe for over 20 years. Her high-energy, high-content, high-involvement Magnetic Workplaces (r) programs provide dozens of practical strategies and skills that can be put to work immediately to:

Review a complete list of her programs available for your convention or corporate meeting at the website, www.MagneticWorkplaces.com

In The News:

---

Google News Updated : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:51:06 GMT American space tourist blasts off in Soyuz rocket - The Associated Press Washington Post American space tourist blasts off in Soyuz rocket The Associated Press - 39 minutes ago BAIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) - A Soyuz spacecraft with two Americans and a Russian on board lifted off from Kazakhstan on Sunday for the international space station. Space Toilet Fixed – For Now eFluxMedia Russia launches spacecraft with sixth space tourist China Daily KGAN - MarketWatch - Spaceflight Now - USA Today all 615 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:11:37 GMT Theatrical Review of Body of Lies - DVDTOWN.com Theatrical Review of Body of Lies DVDTOWN.com - 11 hours ago By Jason P. Vargo "Body of Lies" is a certain type of movie designed for a certain type of moviegoer. I think the tagline describes the movie perfectly, actually. Will 'Chihuahua' take a bite out of 'Body of Lies'? Los Angeles Times Body of Lies Entertainment Weekly E! Online - San Francisco Chronicle - Reuters - Washington Post all 1,041 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:19:39 GMT ARM Holders Would Do Well to Shop Around Now - Washington Post Sify ARM Holders Would Do Well to Shop Around Now Washington Post - 4 hours ago By Nancy Trejos The global financial crisis has affected virtually every aspect of personal finance, from mortgages to student loans to credit cards to retirement savings. Finance giants reportedly ordered to buy $40 bln of mortgage bonds ... MarketWatch Fannie, Freddie to Buy $40 Billion a Month of Troubled Assets Bloomberg The Miami Herald - Orlando Sentinel - Sunday Paper - San Jose Mercury News all 227 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:07:17 GMT Many homers, and pitches, in Game 2 - MLB.com Los Angeles Times Many homers, and pitches, in Game 2 MLB.com - 2 hours ago By Bryan Hoch / MLB.com ST. PETERSBURG -- Five hours and 27 minutes elapsed during Saturday's American League Championship Series Game 2, bookending the moments when Scott Kazmir threw the game's first pitch over home plate and BJ Upton popped its ... Up, up, and away Boston Globe Mike Timlin shoulders blame Boston Herald Los Angeles Times - Washington Times - Tampa Tribune - ESPN all 495 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:22:57 GMT McCain campaign's tone likened to George Wallace's - Newsday Malaysia Star McCain campaign's tone likened to George Wallace's Newsday - 2 hours ago WASHINGTON - Rep. John Lewis, a Georgia Democrat and veteran of the civil rights movement, says the negative tone of the Republican presidential campaign reminds him of the hateful atmosphere segregationist Gov. McCain in 'hatred' war of words BBC News Obama thanks, jabs at McCain Chicago Tribune New York Times - Los Angeles Times - Reuters - AFP all 404 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:27:11 GMT Van driver's work in Mass. aided Nobel winners - Boston Globe Boston Globe Van driver's work in Mass. aided Nobel winners Boston Globe - 7 hours ago HUNTSVILLE, Ala.—When two American scientists won a Nobel Prize this week in chemistry, the driver of a car dealership's courtesy van had reason to take special interest. Video: Nobel Chemistry Prize Goes for Jellyfish Protein AssociatedPress The Daily Yomiuri - The Associated Press - Ars Technica - New York Times all 1,253 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:14:18 GMT Japan says will tap FX reserve if IMF steps up bailout - Reuters Voice of America Japan says will tap FX reserve if IMF steps up bailout Reuters - 6 hours ago WASHINGTON, Oct 11 (Reuters) - Japan said on Saturday it is ready to offer a part of its $1 trillion foreign reserves to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) if the multi-national lender is to support countries facing economic crisis. Video: IMF: Timing right for G7 ReutersVideo IMF Calls for Aggressive Response to Crisis New York Times Bloomberg - MarketWatch - Financial Times - Voice of America all 2,310 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:32:02 GMT RSS Software Web Site Traffic

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Getting Started is the Toughest Part of the Job