How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage

Imagine the following scenario. Your spouse has given you an important letter to mail and is counting on you to mail it on your way to work. But you slip up...you forget all about it until you're on the way home. "Oh, #$@!!" is your first reaction. You know the spouse will be upset.

You frantically search the car and your briefcase for the letter, but it's gone. You can't find it anywhere. Now what do you do? What will you tell your spouse when you get home and he (or she) asks you if you mailed the letter?

Will you say, "It got lost" or will you say, "I lost it"? Your answer to this question gives insight into your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. According to Sidney J. Harris, "We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until ...we have stopped saying 'It got lost,' and say 'I lost it.'"

As long as you avoid taking responsibility for your actions or you look for reasons to avoid admitting you goofed, you're not being honest with yourself. When you accept responsibility and stop rationalizing and blaming, then you can start to focus on what you can do differently that will produce different results next time.

This is not easy to do. Especially if you're in the habit of placing blame elsewhere. Accepting responsibility in a marriage takes courage, above all when a spouse is at fault.

Mark, a long-time procrastinator, always had a list of reasons why he hadn't been able to get around to doing the house maintenance chores. It was too cold or too hot, he was too tired,or he didn't have the right tools or enough time. He would always promise to do the chores another day. Mark's behavior greatly irritated his wife Anne,and she began to resent his constant excuses.

It wasn't until Anne expressed her dissatisfaction with their marriage, giving Mark's habitual procrastination as one of the reasons,that Mark really looked closely at how his behavior was hurting his marriage relationship. In marriage counseling sessions, he learned to take responsibility for his part in what happened each day. He also learned to pay attention to the words he selected to describe what happened.

Mark learned that when he said, "There wasn't enough time to fix the faucet," he often really meant, "I didn't schedule enough time to complete the job today." And if he went a step further and was even more honest, he also meant,"I don't really want to do this, so I'm putting it off."

Once Mark was more aware of his behavior patterns, he was able to have an honest talk with Anne. He told her that while he didn't mind doing some of the repair jobs, he really didn't want to have to spend the time the others would require. They talked it over and decided to hire someone to do the repairs Mark knew he would in all probability never get around to doing. He made a resolution not to make promises unless he really planned to keep them. He also resolved to be honest with Anne upfront instead of dragging things out for months.

These changes made a major difference in Mark and Anne's relationship. Anne didn't feel like "the nagging wife" any longer, and Mark didn't mislead her by making false promises. Less friction in the marriage allowed them time to focus on each other's good points and to enjoy more harmony in their relationship.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

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Google News Updated : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:08:19 GMT Hurricane, at Category 4, Heads Toward Cuba - New York Times Canada.com Hurricane, at Category 4, Heads Toward Cuba New York Times - 3 hours ago By MARIA NEWMAN Hurricane Ike grew into a bigger threat to Florida and the Gulf Coast Sunday as it roared through the Bahamas mid-morning, with forecasters expecting it to gain in strength as it approaches Cuba. Video: Raw Video: Ike Pounds Turks and Caicos AssociatedPress Powerful Hurricane Ike looms as trouble for Gulf The Associated Press AFP - Forbes - Los Angeles Times - Reiten Television KXMB Bismarck all 4,192 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:52:07 GMT Health Highlights: Sept. 6, 2008 - Washington Post Seattle Post Intelligencer Health Highlights: Sept. 6, 2008 Washington Post - 3 hours ago On the heels of the huge nationwide salmonella outbreak that caused more than 1400 illnesses from Mexican peppers, a regional Oregon alfalfa sprout distributor has recalled its product in Oregon and Washington state after the sprouts were linked to 13 ... Salmonellosis outbreak prompts sprout recall Forbes Salmonella outbreak traced to alfalfa sprouts Seattle Post Intelligencer TheMedGuru - Seattle Times - eFluxMedia - HeraldNet all 81 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 16:31:13 GMT Spa Update: Hamilton Penalty Hands Win to Massa - AutoWeek Times Online Spa Update: Hamilton Penalty Hands Win to Massa AutoWeek - 1 hour ago By NIGEL ROEBUCK A drive-through penalty is the punishment for almost causing a collision in the pits. We know this because Bruno Senna was thus punished in the GP2 Series race at Spa-Francorchamps, and it cost him the race. Massa declared winner of Belgian GP The Associated Press Raikkonen's title hopes doused by Hamilton at Spa Motorsport.com International Herald Tribune - The Canadian Press - BBC Sport - CNN International all 2,193 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:46:22 GMT 'Wrestler' takes top honors at Venice - Variety Variety 'Wrestler' takes top honors at Venice Variety - 1 hour ago By NICK VIVARELLI Darren Aronofsky drama “The Wrestler,” starring Mickey Rourke as washed out pro wrestler Randy (the Ram) Robinson, in comeback mode both on and off the screen, pinned down the Venice Film Festival’s Golden Lion. Is Evan Rachel Wood dropkicking Marilyn Manson for Mickey Rourke? Los Angeles Times A Glance at 'The Wrestler' Cinematical Washington Post - Hollywood Reporter - eFluxMedia - San Jose Mercury News all 671 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:55:44 GMT Michigan spared sting of West Nile - Detroit Free Press LAist Michigan spared sting of West Nile Detroit Free Press - 12 hours ago BY SHERI McWHIRTER • RECORD-EAGLE • September 7, 2008 TRAVERSE CITY -- West Nile virus hasn't seriously bitten Michigan this year and seems to have spared the state's northern reaches. Yes, the mosquitoes were nasty this summer Yakima Herald-Republic Aerial survey being conducted to find mosquito breeding grounds San Jose Mercury News Lower Hudson Journal news - San Francisco Chronicle - Shelbyville News - Los Angeles Times all 361 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:53:44 GMT India a step closer to nuclear trade - Christian Science Monitor Washington Post India a step closer to nuclear trade Christian Science Monitor - 3 hours ago The Nuclear Suppliers Group agreed Saturday to lift a 34-year ban on selling nuclear technology to India, even though it hasn't signed the Non-Proliferation Treaty. India secures controversial access to nuclear technology Telegraph.co.uk US Congress signals it will clear N-deal Times of India Hindu - Reuters South Africa - Washington Post - BBC News all 2,295 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 17:01:15 GMT Side events bring out celebs in advance of VMAs - The Associated Press Washington Post Side events bring out celebs in advance of VMAs The Associated Press - 57 minutes ago LOS ANGELES (AP) - Though the MTV Video Music Awards are the main event in town this weekend, some celebrities are satisfied enough with the side activities connected to the extravaganza. Britney 'Getting an Opportunity to Start Over' at VMAs People Magazine Brand and Spears have been promoting the awards on MTV BBC News Access Hollywood - Hollywood Today Newsmagazine - eFluxMedia - Los Angeles Times all 1,761 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:10:38 GMT Clickbank RSS Feeds Easy Work At Home Opportunity

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