Before You Begin Marriage Counseling, Ask This Question

There's an important question that you need to ask the marriage counselor you and your spouse are considering using. The question itself may surprise you, as well as the answer your potential counselor gives.

It's an often-overlooked question that hardly anyone ever talks about. Therapists don't include it in articles they write about how to select a good counselor, so you're unlikely to read about it. I've never heard of the topic being discussed on the popular daytime television shows that delve into so many varied subjects.

But the answer to this important question could save you time, money, and energy spent with the wrong therapist. It's a good question to use as a deciding factor if you narrow your search for a marriage counselor down to two or three possibilities, and all look fairly equal in education, training, and experience.

What is the question I consider so important that it could be the "deciding vote" in selecting a therapist for marriage counseling? Here it is. Ask the potential marriage counselor(s): "Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"

Then watch the therapist's reaction and listen carefully to what he or she says. Also pay attention to the emotional tone in the response. Consider the following responses to the suggested question. My remarks are in italics in the parenthesis:

1. "No, I've never had to go to counseling."

(Never "had" to go? Do you mean that you're "above" having to go to counseling? That only people who aren't as emotionally stable as you are "have" to go? How will you even know what it's like to go to an unfamiliar office and tell a stranger the most intimate details about your life?)

2. "Yes, I went once for several times when my father died."

(That's slightly better, but what about all that self-growth work counselors are always advocating other people do? Don't you take your own advice?)

3. "No."

(That's odd. Why the one-word answer? It's a logical question to ask. Why would I entrust you with my vulnerability and something as important as my marriage if you've never been to counseling yourself? Why haven't you been? Don't you believe in what you're offering?)

4. "I took part in some counseling when I took my courses for my degree."

(You mean you role played with other students in some of your counseling classes-that doesn't count. You weren't in a real counseling situation and were probably focused on what your classmates and professor thought of your role-playing. That's totally different from participating in therapy to look closely at your own real issues.)

5. "Yes, I have. I've had several years of intensive personal counseling, and I still see a counselor when things come up that I need to process. I know how much courage and commitment it takes to confront personal issues, avoid blaming others, and take responsibility for the quality of one's life."

(Yes, this is the one! He (or she) has gone through the counseling process himself. He won't be just talking about something he has never experienced, and he doesn't sound ashamed that he's had counseling. Instead, he sounds proud of himself for making that choice. I like that he "practices what he preaches" about counseling. He must believe that it helps in some way or he wouldn't have spent so much time and money getting counseling himself.)

Are you surprised to learn that many counselors have never participated in counseling as clients and have never faced their own individual or relationship issues? That they could get their advanced degree and become licensed without having participated in personal growth counseling? It is shocking to think that could happen, but it does-quite often.

Just think about it-would you want to go to a therapist who recommends counseling to others but has never taken her (or his) own advice? Who hasn't dealt with her own personal past and present issues that could impact the recommendations she makes to you? Who doesn't really know how vulnerable you feel as a client and how much courage it takes to make an appointment, sit in the waiting room, and then talk openly to someone you've never seen before?

I can unequivocally say that you should steer clear of counselors who haven't done their own work in counseling-either in individual counseling, relationship or marriage counseling, or both. There's a saying that you can't take other people any further than you've been yourself.

That's certainly true when it comes to counseling. The counselor needs to be very familiar with the terrain-not from only textbook knowledge but from personal experience, also. He (or she) also needs to be able to help you without getting your issues all tangled up in his own unresolved issues-something personal counseling helps a counselor to do more effectively.

So before you sign on with a marriage counselor, ask the important question--"Have you ever participated in extensive personal therapy yourself?"-and be sure that the counselor you select knows the advantages of personal counseling first-hand.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

---

Google News Updated : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:47:06 GMT Harrington wins 2nd straight British Open - The Associated Press Harrington wins 2nd straight British Open The Associated Press - 55 minutes ago SOUTHPORT, England (AP) - Padraig Harrington has won his second straight British Open, overtaking 53-year-old Greg Norman and fending off Ian Poulter. Video: Greg Norman Leads British Open After 3 Rounds AssociatedPress Harrington wins British Open, Norman ties for third MLive.com Bloomberg - The Canadian Press - Contra Costa Times - Sports Network all 3,987 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:51:07 GMT NYC chain restaurants posting calories on menus - Reuters Canada.com NYC chain restaurants posting calories on menus Reuters - 12 hours ago By Edith Honan NEW YORK (Reuters) - A new rule requiring New York chain restaurants to post calorie information on their menus took effect on Friday, marking a first for a US city. Video: NYC Restaurant Chains Post Calorie Info AssociatedPress Restaurants That Lack Calorie Counts Now Face Fines New York Times eFluxMedia - The Associated Press - WZZM - RedOrbit all 457 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 06:18:27 GMT The Search For Elusive Holy Grail Of HIV Vaccine .....Continues - RTT News Ontario Now The Search For Elusive Holy Grail Of HIV Vaccine .....Continues RTT News - 3 hours ago (RTTNews) - The quarter-century-long quest for the Holy Grail of HIV vaccine has suffered yet another major setback. The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases or NIAID , a part of the National Institutes of Health or NIH on Thursday ... Plans for Human Trial of HIV Vaccine Canceled New York Times US Scraps Plan to Test AIDS Vaccine Wall Street Journal San Francisco Chronicle - TIME - International Herald Tribune - RedOrbit all 248 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:20:03 GMT Salmon and steelhead are threatened by California's water system ... - Los Angeles Times eFluxMedia Salmon and steelhead are threatened by California's water system ... Los Angeles Times - 13 hours ago Check out Times staff writer Eric Bailey's story today on another late-Friday decision by a federal judge. US District Judge Oliver W. Wanger of Fresno said in a 118-page opinion that the "Central Valley's winter- and spring-run salmon, as well as the ... Judge Acknowledges Threat to California's Salmon and Steelhead eFluxMedia Salmon threatened with extinction, judge says San Jose Mercury News United Press International - San Francisco Chronicle - The Associated Press - Belleville News Democrat all 161 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:30:35 GMT Batman’s ‘Dark Night’ Sets Weekend Record - New York Times Batman’s ‘Dark Night’ Sets Weekend Record New York Times - 1 hour ago By MICHAEL CIEPLY LOS ANGELES - Fevered fans pushed “The Dark Knight,â€� the sixth in Warner Brothers’ series of “Batmanâ€� movies, to record three-day ticket sales of $155.3 million over the weekend, shoring up what so far had been a wobbly year at the ... Batman beats up Spider-Man at box office Reuters 'Dark Knight' topples Spidey for biggest film opening USA Today The Associated Press - E! Online - BBC News - MarketWatch all 1,072 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:27:06 GMT Give Hamm a hand, he's going to Beijing - The Associated Press Los Angeles Times Give Hamm a hand, he's going to Beijing The Associated Press - 9 hours ago COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) - Give Paul Hamm a hand. And a plane ticket to Beijing. The Olympic champion will get to defend his title in China thanks to a performance Saturday that ended any doubt about whether his broken right hand has healed. Paul Hamm remains part of US men's gymnastics team Los Angeles Times Hand Healed, Gymnast Hamm Headed to China Washington Post New York Times - Denver Post all 500 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 08:50:45 GMT As 'Mamma Mia' movie opens, fans cross age groups - New York Daily News Washington Post As 'Mamma Mia' movie opens, fans cross age groups New York Daily News - 10 hours ago BY GINA SALAMONE 'The only reason I go into the Guy and Gallard right by my office is because they play ABBA all the time,' says Justyna Zajac, 25. 'Mamma Mia!': Gotta Love It, Like It or Not Washington Post 'Mamma Mia' Los Angeles Times CBS News - San Francisco Chronicle - MTV.com - Allentown Morning Call all 579 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 20 Jul 2008 08:13:43 GMT Make Money With Affiliate Data Feeds Amazon RSS

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Expressions of Devotion: Buying Engagement Rings, Wedding Rings, and Wedding Bands Online

Ritual symbolism abounds in everything we do; this is particularly... Read More

Wedding Anniversary Signature Frame ? The Perfect Anniversary Gift!

So you're having a wedding anniversary. Congratulations! It's quite a... Read More

Las Vegas Helicopter Weddings

If you've always dreamed of flying in a helicopter, Las... Read More

Hey, Where Do I Put My Speakers? Unique Venues Require Unique DJs

If your wedding or party is being held in a... Read More

The Beautiful Bride To Be ? Beauty Tips For The Big Day

It goes without saying that we all want to look... Read More

Be Thankful for a Faithful Husband

If your husband is faithful, you have much to be... Read More

Wedding Planning: Involve your Fiancé in 10 Easy Steps

He's popped the question. You've chosen a date. And now,... Read More

Wedding Flower Ideas

Your wedding flowers cover all button holes, all the bouquets,... Read More

Australia Honeymoon Vacations - Treasure Down Under!

Australia honeymoon vacations are more than just being the pleasure... Read More

Choosing Your Groomsmen: No Matter What They Say, Nobody Must Be In the Wedding Party

Your lovely fiancée has chosen her 'maids, and now you're... Read More

Moissanite Engagement Rings ? Find The Perfect Glam You?re Looking For

Wish to make that one day in your life really... Read More

Selecting the Perfect Wedding Gift for the Bride and Groom

One of the most memorable days in our lives is... Read More

The Bigger the Carat the Better the Wedding?

Ahh . . . sweet romance.The flowers. The chocolate. The... Read More

Tahiti Honeymoon Resorts: Fun-tastic Experience

Tahiti honeymoon resorts are the best places you could think... Read More

Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy

When two people - destined for each other, come together,... Read More

Writing Your Wedding Vows the Way Poets Do

Let's face it, not many of us have the kind... Read More

Unique Beach Wedding Themes

If you are considering a beach wedding, the ideas are... Read More

The Definition of Love

I saw real love while working at a cozy, candle-lit... Read More

Dressing Your Bridesmaids

For a bride, shopping for bridesmaid dresses can be one... Read More

Saving Money on Wedding Music

When it comes to wedding music, there are some choices... Read More

Wedding Favors

Your Wedding Favors are a little bit of your wedding... Read More

Top 40 Marriage Quotations

"Is it better for a woman to marry a man... Read More

Want To Know More About Wedding Planners?

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel and Bookpleasures is pleased... Read More

Marriage A Menace

Apparently for a person to get married is like burning... Read More

The A To Z Guide For Your Wedding Day

AttendantsAttendants, include the best man, Bridesmaid, ushers, and groomsmen. Generally... Read More