Slugging It Out In The Trenches
In an effort to introduce a shaft of sunlight into a particularly gloomy conversation, I recently asked a gardening acquaintance of mine to explain the difference between a slug and a snail.
For the next twelve minutes and seven seconds, this horticultural monomaniac held forth on the most minute and inconsequential differences between gastropod molluscs with rudimentary or no shells and gastropod molluscs with well developed spiral or whorled shells. When he finally ran out of breath, I swallowed hard, took three precautionary steps backwards, and told him that a slug is a snail that can't afford a mortgage.
Instead of smiling as I had done when I had first unearthed this daft definition in a dog-eared copy of 'The Readers Digest' (dentist's waiting room edition), he ground his dentures together, cracked his calloused knuckles, and growled so raucously that the button almost exploded from his collar.
He went on to catalogue in some detail the manifold acts of vandalism perpetrated by these 'horticultural thugs' who, he said, spend their entire daylight hours skulking plumply under stones, ruminating darkly on last night's grim destruction and this night's planned assaults.
He proceeded to ridicule the 'green-wellied wimps' who nightly sprinkle little handfuls of slug pellets around vulnerable flowers and vegetables; and the poor drunkard who meanders home each night clutching a bottle of beer with which to entice and drown the occasional slug foolish enough to mistake his little beer traps for hospitality vats.
'I have suffered enough from the same blasted slugs over the years without starting to buy drink for them,' he said. 'There's only one answer to those brutes...all out military action!'
His eyes grew incandescent with malevolent glee as he described his nightly sorties into the flowerbeds and lettuce patches where, armed with a commando style torch and a jumbo-sized barrel of table salt, he would venture forth in search of the enemy.....a lethal avalanche of sodium chloride cascading inexorably on the masticating molluscs ?
'O little slug thy hapless play my thoughtless hand has swept away.'
'I have suffered enough from the same blasted slugs over the years without starting to buy drink for them,' he said. 'There's only one answer to those brutes...all out military action!'
Grinning maliciously, he described in graphic detail a fiendish plan, which he had been working on in the privacy of his horticultural bunker. I cannot recall the preliminary tactical manoeuvres, but remember that they culminated in him leaping gymnastically from the top of a hawthorn hedge and landing squarely on an unsuspecting black slug just as it was about to devour an equally unsuspecting French marigold.
Chilled to the marrow by his demonic laugh, I suddenly remembered that I had parked on a double yellow line. So, wishing him well, I vaulted over his rustic fence and fled.
On my way home, I pictured him somersaulting and cartwheeling hysterically among the broad beans and the brassicas as he celebrated each decisive victory over those diminutive moonlight marauders.
While walking through our local market some months ago, I caught sight of a particularly ostentatious display of French marigolds. Acting on impulse, I purchased three dozen and planted them out that evening. On the following morning I went out into the garden to admire the results of my debut as Capability Brown Mark 11.
Would you believe it? My proud marigolds had vanished! Yes, totally! All except three pathetic looking survivors with broken necks and tattered stems. On closer inspection, I discovered the unmistakable, tell - tale slime trails leading triumphantly into the adjoining hedgerow. As one gardening writer described them: "The obscene graffiti of a night's destruction... adding insult to injury."
Apoplectic with rage, I was looking around for something to kick hard and often when suddenly, through the thick black smoke and suffocating stench of mental cordite, I conjured up the image of my gardening friend with his beaming torch and his gigantic barrel of table salt.
"Then seek your job with thankfulness and work till further orders, If it's only netting strawberries or killing slugs on borders."
With these inspirational words of Kipling ringing loud in my ears, that night I too joined the ranks of the horticultural storm-troopers and sallied forth armed and ready to slug it out with that ghastly gardening gastropod : The Slug.
'Slugging It Out In The Trenches' is taken from 'Apples on a Sunny Shelf'. See: http://www.assignmentsplus.com/garden-pests.html
Gerard McLoughlin, Director of Assignments Plus Publications http://www.assignmentsplus.com, is the author of 'Apples on a Sunny Shelf', a collection of essays first broadcast by Radio Television Eireann (Ireland's national broadcaster) on the popular 'Sunday Miscellany' series.
 Google News Updated : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 08:05:30 GMT Wal-Mart acting on shifts in consumer spending - BusinessWeek
BusinessWeek - By CHUCK BARTELS If the mood on Wall Street is grim, then consumers must be feeling even more bleak, right? Fuel prices remain high, inflation has hit food prices hard and consumer confidence is down. August another disappointing month for retailers Lower-cost stores gain from US shoppers' thriftiness Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:48:39 GMT McCain takes stage, turns down heat - Boston Globe
Boston Globe - By Joanna Weiss For a man at the top of a presidential ticket, John McCain had an unusual task last night: to remind the nation that he was the star of his own show. Palin Assails Critics and Electrifies Party GOP welcomes McCain with enthusiasm Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:20:31 GMT Boeing Workers Are on the Brink - BusinessWeek
BusinessWeek - Despite being offered a relatively generous package by management, Boeing machinists are ready to go on strike. Here's why by Joseph Weber When a stunning 87% of Boeing machinists voted on Sept. Motown Blues for Boeing? Boeing, machinists union meet with mediator Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:54:59 GMT '1967 lines not up for discussion' - Jerusalem Post
Jerusalem Post - By JPOST.COM STAFF The July 4, 1967 lines are not up for discussion and are the very foundations from which direct talks between Israel and Syria will start, Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Muallem said Friday. Video: Sarkozy in Syria : the press is divided Syrian sets terms of role on peace Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 07:32:39 GMT Schwarzenegger: Palin delivered 'fantastic' speech - San Jose Mercury News
San Jose Mercury News - AP SACRAMENTO—Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday said Sarah Palin hit a home run with her acceptance speech for the Republican vice presidential nomination. Video: Governor To Californians: Bug Lawmakers About Budget California nears record in spending plan stalemate Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:14:17 GMT Rice set for historic Libya visit - BBC News
BBC News - US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is set to begin a historic visit to Libya as part of a North African tour. She is expected to meet Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi as part of the trip, which will also include visits to Tunisia, Algeria and Morocco. Rice set to begin historic Libya visit Rice set to make history in Libya Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:41:55 GMT Data on defective genes make tailored remedies possible - Baltimore Sun
Baltimore Sun - By Frank D. Roylance Researchers cataloging the genetic codes of deadly human brain and pancreatic cancers say they have found several dozen defective genes that appear to work in concert to set off the tumor growth that eventually kills their victims. In Long-Awaited Maps of Cancer, The Breakthrough Is the Problem What You Need to Know About Mapping the Cancer Genome Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 07:24:12 GMT Amazon RSS |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... Buying discount patio furniture is an economical way to obtain... Read More Having a gazebo in the backyard is an excellent way... Read More Like any job you tackle, it's always easier if you... Read More Now's the time to get ready to grow your own... Read More There is nothing more relaxing than kicking back with a... Read More Many times when the weather becomes sultry, the only place... Read More With an average lifespan of 75 years, teak wood has... Read More Asparagus is a perennial plant with erect, edible stems and... Read More Here are a few tips to keep your garden and... Read More It is unavoidable, Fall is coming and we like to... Read More Flowers Truly Reach Your Soul.Flowers are a heartfelt, natural way... Read More There are thousands of species of Palm Trees. They are... Read More Roses are one of natures most beautiful and splendid gifts.... Read More Proper pruning of your backyard grapevines is essential to maintain... Read More Don't force yourself out of the most profitable hobby in... Read More When most people think of landscaping, they think of a... Read More Visualize watching a bright green hummingbird in your garden moving... Read More If you were to travel to Blue Mountain Lake, New... Read More If your fish hang out at the bottom of the... Read More 1. Always read the instruction manual before operating your lawnmower.... Read More Having a beautiful and functional landscape is every homeowners dream.... Read More Quality Dutch tulip bulbs are easy to come by and... Read More Like many Americans, you may find bird watching to be... Read More A Garden Pond in your Landscape - Want Water in... Read More Do you love to cook outdoors but end up having... Read More
Adsense
websites
Discount Patio Furniture ? An Easy Way to Get the Best
What Type of Gazebo is Right for You? Top Questions You Need to Ask
The Tools of Rose Gardening
Invite Spring Early - Grow in Your Basement
With So Many Choices For Patio Furniture, Finding The Perfect Set To Complement Your Yard Is Easy
Decorate Your Outdoor Spaces on a Budget!
The Heralded Teak Furniture Manufacturer: Kingsley-Bate
How to Grow Asparagus
Dog Days of Summer
Ceiling Patio Heaters
Everyone Loves Flowers
The Many Types of Palm Trees
A Beautiful Rose Is Natures Gift
Pruning the Backyard Grapevine
Gardening - Natural Science NOT Rocket Science
Backyard Landscaping
About Hummingbirds and How to Attract Them to Your Garden
History of the Adirondack Chair
Lazy Fish Worries
16 Lawn Mower Safety Tips
Working with Landscape Contractors
How to Plant Tulips
How to Attract Birds to Your Backyard Paradise For Less Than $100
A Garden Pond in Your Landscape - Want Water in Your Yard?
Teak Patio Table - Why You Need One
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
Flower Meanings
Certain types or colors of flowers mean different things, and... Read More
Vegetable Growing for Beginners
If you have never grown vegetables before the first thing... Read More
Taming Your Outdoors
Slapping yourself silly trying to keep mosquitoes from biting you?... Read More
Basil: The King of Herbs
One of the most popular herbs is Ocimum basilicum commonly... Read More
Build A Simple Planter Box
Love flowers, but don't have the space -- or the... Read More
How to Care for Your Outdoor Water Fountains
Garden lovers around the world love putting fountains among their... Read More
Landscaping of Hindu Religious Places
Traditionally Hindu tepmples were located either on hills or forests... Read More
Garden Delights For Midsummer
We have once again reached the wonderful magical time of... Read More
Mosquito Farms? Is That What Water Gardens Are?
What is nicer that a lovely backyard garden pond. The... Read More
The Perfect Garden Sundial
Is it possible for a garden sundial to tell perfect... Read More
A Couple of Good Places to Buy Lawnmowers
After much searching and deliberation, I finally bought a lawnmower... Read More
Patio Design ? Expanding Your Home Outdoors
A patio can be... Read More
How To Attract Hummingbirds
Yes! You can attract hummingbirds to your home. Even if... Read More
Fall Garden Planning - Garden Plans for Next Spring and Ordering by Mail
It's August, the weather has cooled a bit here and... Read More
The Rich History of Chrysanthemums
Did you know that those lush, colorful blooms called chrysanthemums... Read More
Themes of Shade
A Shade Garden can be created in any of several... Read More
Hummingbird Nesting Facts
Every spring the United States and Canada are blessed with... Read More
Overwintering Pond Fish
The metabolism of koi and goldfish is controlled primarily by... Read More
For the Birds: Selecting and Placing a Bird House
Bird watching brings enjoyment to many people. Selecting and correct... Read More
How to Attract Butterfly Activity...
The flittering of the butterfly through your garden is no... Read More
A Compost Primer
Most gardeners and landscapers will agree almost unanimously that the... Read More
Hot-Weather Fish Feeding Facts
Summertime provides the best time of the year to water... Read More
Buying a Lawn Mower
Anyone with a lawn, no matter how small will at... Read More
Enjoy Creating and Growing a Sustainable Garden While Feeding Your Family
A sustainable garden means one that can be sustained over... Read More
The Flower Garden in August
Our flower garden in August can be brimming with activities... Read More
Landscaping & Gardening |