Sex and the Gods of Internet Marketing

Whenever I mention my occupation to a non-wired person, it seems to generate the same response:

"Isn't there an awful lot of porn on the net?"

The question floats toward me like a smoke ring and forms a halo around my face, framing me as a pornographer, nymphomaniac, and all-round corrupter of innocence.

I expect that from my mother, but it's not the public image I strive to cultivate. I never have a good response ready.

"Hmmm," I nod coquettishly, "I'll have to look into that."

The subtext of my vapid reply could be "Yes, the internet is a modern-day Gomorrah and I'm in it up to my quivering loins," or, "I really haven't heard that, but I'm so pathetically hard-up that I'm gonna race right home and look."

Neither is what I mean to convey, but the truth is probably just as perverse...

I've never really looked into sex on the net.

I always plan to, but I never do. I think I've always been very nervous about what I might find. Who knows? Maybe I myself would become corrupted - lured into the nether regions of psycho-sexual depravity and cyber-sensual abandon... never, perhaps, to return.

(I shudder at the thought... several times.)

Well, that sort of cloistered naiveté is fine when you're just peddling software and minding your own business, but now that I'm prancing around like an e-marketing guru, I no longer have the luxury of ignoring so large and infamous a part of our venue.

THE DARING SEXPLORATIONS OF LINDA COX!

I have shifted into my Lara Croft/Wonder Woman Intrepid Female Explorer persona and I am now going to begin my Conradian trek into the internet's dark interior.

Wish me luck. Here goes...

Okay, I'm back. Thanks for waiting. I'm prepared to report now.

Yep, it seems that there IS some sexual content on the internet. (Drink, please.) Rather a lot, in fact. (Make it a double.) Funny I never noticed before. (Is it warm in here?) Actually, it's amazing there's room for anything else. (WHERE'S THAT FREAKIN' DRINK!?)

Here's what I learned...

  • I can never don my Lara Croft/Wonder Woman alter-ego again now that I've seen them locked together in alt.sex.binaries.lesbian.actionheroes in a bout of no-holes-barred lovemaking.

  • Acts I consider sexually extreme and taboo, many people consider warm-up.

  • I will never use a public restroom or changing room again. I will never wear a skirt in public again. I will never look at many salad ingredients the same way again.

  • Certain professions should strictly enforce a much earlier mandatory retirement age.

  • Everything is a sex toy to someone... EVERYthing.

  • I found Howard Sprague's private diary online. Goober and Floyd I always suspected, but Otis, Barney, how could you?

  • Bondage is a cottage industry. I'm not sure what BDSM is, but it looks pretty damn uncomfortable.

  • I accidentally learned how Vinnie, my pizza delivery kid, made ends meet before landing his present gig.

  • Some things are better left unshaven.

  • She-males are the damnedest thing since Mike the Headless Chicken.

    THE GODS OF INTERNET MARKETING

    Adult website marketers are the most in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, knock-down drag-out rock 'n roll marketers on earth. If I could sell software the way they sell sex, I'd be living on my own island.

    IN PRAISE OF CENSORSHIP

    Frankly, I very much oppose adult content on the internet. I think it should be legislated out of existence. Here's why:

    Sex is the fire in the belly of civilization. If we allow it to become so commonplace that everyone gives up the hot and frenzied pursuit of it, then humanity will just go sit on the couch and watch pro wrestling. And then where will we be?

    Sitting on the couch watching pro wrestling, that's where!

    About The Author

    Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/

    In The News:


    Google News
    Updated : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 14:08:18 GMT

    Malkovich gets mad in Coens' 'Burn After Reading' - The Associated Press


    Canada.com
    Malkovich gets mad in Coens' 'Burn After Reading'
    The Associated Press - 36 minutes ago
    TORONTO (AP) - The Coen brothers' new movie gave John Malkovich a chance to blow off some steam. Malkovich's seething character in "Burn After Reading" bursts out in perpetual tantrums, a nice exercise in anger management, according to the actor.
    Toronto Film Festival vs. Brangelina – Who Gets the Spotlight? eFluxMedia
    Pitt Rocks to Madonna FOXNews
    Newsweek - Dallas Morning News - Los Angeles Times - Reuters
    all 331 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 13:31:53 GMT

    Suicide blast kills 35 in Pakistan; Zardari set to take power - International Herald Tribune


    Boston Globe
    Suicide blast kills 35 in Pakistan; Zardari set to take power
    International Herald Tribune - 53 minutes ago
    AP, The New York Times PESHAWAR, Pakistan: The death toll in a devastating suicide blast has reached 35, officials said Sunday, as Pakistan prepared for Benazir Bhutto's widower to take over as president.
    Pakistan's Zardari urged to change image and focus Reuters
    Pakistan's Zardari prepares for presidency AFP
    PRESS TV - Los Angeles Times - Monsters and Critics.com - Xinhua
    all 3,657 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 13:14:31 GMT

    Fannie, Freddie Capital Concerns Prompt Paulson Plan (Update1) - Bloomberg


    ABC News
    Fannie, Freddie Capital Concerns Prompt Paulson Plan (Update1)
    Bloomberg - 1 hour ago
    By Dawn Kopecki and Alison Vekshin Sept. 7 (Bloomberg) -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson decided to take control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac after a review found the beleaguered mortgage-finance companies used accounting methods that inflated their ...
    Video: Obama Calls for Changes in Mortgage Giants AssociatedPress
    RPT-US Treasury sets news conference;GSE plan expected Reuters
    MarketWatch - New York Times - USA Today - Forbes
    all 2,446 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 12:59:54 GMT

    Michigan spared sting of West Nile - Detroit Free Press

    Michigan spared sting of West Nile
    Detroit Free Press - 6 hours ago
    BY SHERI McWHIRTER • RECORD-EAGLE • September 7, 2008 TRAVERSE CITY -- West Nile virus hasn't seriously bitten Michigan this year and seems to have spared the state's northern reaches.
    Yes, the mosquitoes were nasty this summer Yakima Herald-Republic
    Aerial survey being conducted to find mosquito breeding grounds San Jose Mercury News
    Lower Hudson Journal news - San Francisco Chronicle - Shelbyville News - Los Angeles Times
    all 362 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:53:44 GMT

    Reuters Entertainment Summary - Washington Post

    Reuters Entertainment Summary
    Washington Post - 3 hours ago
    VENICE (Reuters) - Eleven days of red carpet galas, 21 films in competition and countless interviews, photo calls and parties at the Venice film festival boiled down to just one man in the end -- Mickey Rourke.
    Aronofsky Gracefully Wrestles Golden Lion Out Of Venice eFluxMedia
    Buyers mixed on Toronto films Hollywood Reporter
    San Jose Mercury News - Bloomberg - Variety - Los Angeles Times
    all 509 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 10:41:41 GMT

    Federer is set for his fifth consecutive US Open final (Keystone) - Swissinfo


    San Diego Union Tribune
    Federer is set for his fifth consecutive US Open final (Keystone)
    Swissinfo - 29 minutes ago
    Switzerland's Roger Federer has won his semifinal at Flushing Meadows against Novak Djokovic of Serbia in four sets, 6-3, 5-7, 7-5, 6-2.
    Video: Federer Beats Djokovic to Reach US Open Final AssociatedPress
    Federer Reaches Final Before Rain New York Times
    BBC Sport - Los Angeles Times - Fort Worth Star Telegram - Boston Globe
    all 2,879 news articles

    Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 13:38:36 GMT

    Health Buzz: Immunosuppressive Drug Warning and Other Health News - U.S. News & World Report


    dBTechno
    Health Buzz: Immunosuppressive Drug Warning and Other Health News
    U.S. News & World Report - Sep 5, 2008
    The Food and Drug Administration has asked the manufacturers of Humira, Cimzia, Enbrel, and Remicade—which belong to a class of medications known as tumor necrosis factor alpha blockers (TNF-alpha blockers)—to strengthen the warning for risk of fungal ...
    FDA urges more caution over TNF blocker infections Reuters
    Arthritis Drugs Linked to Risks From Infection New York Times
    WebMD - eFluxMedia - Scientific American
    all 622 news articles

    Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:23:08 GMT

    Affiliate Data Feeds
    Amazon Tool


  • PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

    Adsense websites

    Online Sales: 10 Incredible Online Sales Tactics To Make Your Sales Soar

    Are you interested in making your online sales soar like... Read More

    Now, Even A Monkey Could Easily Accept Online Payments

    I just came across this web site called PayDotCom.comAfter reviewing... Read More

    Dollars In The Details!

    When it comes to your marketing message, the little things... Read More

    Yahoo Search Marketing: Is an Effective Online Marketing Tool

    Yahoo! manages to utilize its huge network of websites and... Read More

    Profiting From Your Online Business

    Creating a lucrative online business is not an easy task.... Read More

    Joint Ventures: Five Powerful Tips for Building JV Relationships

    One of the best and fastest ways to build your... Read More

    12 Benefits of Internet Marketing for Your Business

    1. Far Cheaper and Much More Flexible Than Print AdvertisingThe... Read More

    Online Business Mistakes

    Everybody makes mistakes, but nobody likes to talk about them.... Read More

    If You Build It They Will Come - Not Without Web Marketing!

    I'm sure everybody has received an email from a company... Read More

    Three Ways to Get Top Quality Content for Your Niche Websites

    Three Ways to Get Top Quality Content for Your Niche... Read More

    Got Some L.A.F.S.?

    Could you use some laughs? I'll bet you could, especially... Read More

    Repetition: The Secret to Visibility and Attention!

    Have you ever felt disappointment and dismay when trying a... Read More

    My Wacky Test Marketing Experiment Succeeded

    In a previous article I recounted engaging in a wacky... Read More

    Build Your Marketing Muscle

    During a saxophone lesson the other day I realized how... Read More

    Why Your Talents Alone Arent Getting You Anywhere Online

    The bottom line is that there are plenty of really... Read More

    New Product Launch Checklist

    Launching a new product or service is an exciting time... Read More

    Internet Marketing - A Leap Of Faith

    Do you remember as a child having to do something... Read More

    Flat Tires, Slow Leaks, and Online Marketing

    Does your online marketing campaign have a flat tire? Or... Read More

    The 3 Big Points to Selling Successfully on the Web

    Building a home internet business on the web can seem... Read More

    Joint Ventures - How They Can Benefit Your Business

    Joint ventures are partnerships in which two or more businesses... Read More

    Analyzing Website Traffic

    Analyzing your web traffic statistics can be an invaluable tool... Read More

    Take the Direct Route to Internet Gurudom

    - Are you tired of chasing down publishers just to... Read More

    A Couple Of Basic Killer Internet Marketing Techniques

    There are many simple, infallible ways to earn income, and... Read More

    Web Site Marketing Tips To Keep You Ahead Of The Field

    Web site marketing is the most important part of your... Read More

    Hocus Pocus? Its Just Focus!

    How many times have you wondered what magic formula the... Read More