The Art of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a critical element in becoming self actualized and fully loving. Forgiving is the process by which you let go of feeling victimized or having wronged others. It allows you to climb out of the dark well of anger, bitterness, or guilt into which you can easily fall.

In a busy life, you are frequently confronted with opportunities to forgive others as well as yourself. With others, you cope with mild frustrations like the delivery person who shows up late, or with more severe transgressions like the friend who tells your secrets. With these events, forgiving is hindered if the behavior violates your basic sense of what is "right" or fair, or how you think people "should" behave. When someone wrongs you, your anger can be empowering as you prepare to defend your principles and "fight the good fight." Or, you may believe that forgiveness is possible only if the other person admits to the wrongdoing. All of these attitudes are unhealthy when rigidly maintaining your anger and sense of victimization.

It is also frequently necessary to forgive yourself, since you regularly evaluate your own behaviors, some of which may not meet your own standards Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others if you tend to judge yourself more harshly than others with a perfectionist style that doesn't permit mistakes. You may pride yourself on high standards for your own conduct. Or, you may believe that only God has the right to forgive you. These beliefs encourage poor self-esteem and the corrosive effects of guilt.

In Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to Seizing Passion and Purpose, the process of forgiving is described as APEX healing. It begins with Acknowledging the reality of the situation without distortion or denial. Then, you give yourself Permission to feel whatever is real and congruent with your thoughts about the event and the person responsible. Label your specific feelings and their actual intensity; don't label yourself as upset or irritated when you're really angry. Whenever possible try to Empathize with the person who committed the transgression; put yourself in their position and imagine how you might have done something similar. If you are considering self-forgiveness, remember what was going on with you at the time of the incident, not merely in hindsight. Ultimately, you can explore strategies for forgiveness.

To forgive others, you might consider the behavior as a one-time aberration; focus on the behavior, not the outcome; minimize the importance of the consequences; or minimize how much you think about the event. To forgive yourself, you can give yourself permission to make mistakes; promise yourself not to repeat the behavior; or vow to learn from the event. In some cases, it can be helpful to write a letter of forgiveness.

The process of forgiveness can last anywhere from a few seconds to years. It is the ultimate stress management solution in a civilization with a rapidly accelerating pace and increasingly complex lifestyle. It allows you to choose your paths, your present, and your future.

About The Author

Dr. Tim Sams is the author of Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to Seizing Passion and Purpose; the book is available through his web site: http://www.mysacredjourney.com/bookstore.htm and at all online bookstores.

Dr. Sams is a University of Michigan graduate who interned at the Long Beach VA Medical Center. He is a diplomate of the American Academy of Pain Management and the American College of Forensic Medicine. He originally trained as a medical and health psychologist with specialty training in behavioral medicine, the melding of medicine and psychology, mind and body. Though he had taken dozens of classes in biology, anatomy, and physiology, over time his clinical passion for alleviating physical pain blossomed and he obtained a Master's of Science with emphasis on the medical basis of orthopedic, neurologic, and myofascial pain. He is a frequent lecturer on pain management throughout the United States. He authored the most comprehensive patient pain manual scheduled for release in June, 2005. He writes a free, biweekly newsletter called Advances in Medicine that you can sign up for on this website. Dr. Tim is a motivator and a teacher; a caring soul who believes that humor is one of the best weapons against pain; that and really good drugs.

Dr. Tim has multiple offices in Southern California, consulting to a few dozen pain physicians and hundreds of primary care physicians and orthopedic surgeons. He spends one day a week in his office educating patients at http://www.MyPainReliefDoc.com.

He lives and plays in Orange County, California with his wife Lari and his daughter, Leah. He spends most of his non-family free time jogging, swimming, reading, or writing.

Copyright 2004. Dr. Tim Sams. All rights reserved.

drtimsams@yahoo.com

---

Google News Updated : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:55:52 GMT Michigan: Ruling on Voting Rights - New York Times Michigan: Ruling on Voting Rights New York Times - 1 hour ago By AP A judge has ordered state election officials to stop automatically canceling a voter’s registration if the card is returned as undeliverable. Federal judge orders 1438 names restored to Michigan voter rolls Detroit Free Press Judge Says Mich. Policy Violated Voting Law Washington Post Connecticut Post - The Standard - DetNews.com - The Associated Press all 68 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:05:24 GMT Morgan Stanley Can't Please Everyone - Forbes Wall Street Journal Morgan Stanley Can't Please Everyone Forbes - 2 hours ago Morgan Stanley and Mitsubishi UFJ Financial may have pleased investors, but they failed to reassure the ratings services. Morgan Stanley (nyse: MS - news - people ) shares surged more than 85.0% Monday after it received a $9.0 billion investment from ... Mitsubishi UFJ Gets Better Terms From Morgan Stanley (Update1) Bloomberg Fitch cuts Morgan Stanley's default ratings to 'A/F1' MarketWatch New York Times - Reuters - Washington Post - St. Louis Post-Dispatch all 1,706 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 03:40:53 GMT Canada's Harper May Face Similar Gridlock After Today's Vote - Bloomberg Voice of America Canada's Harper May Face Similar Gridlock After Today's Vote Bloomberg - 1 hour ago By Theophilos Argitis and Alexandre Deslongchamps Oct. 14 (Bloomberg) -- When Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper called today's election six weeks ago, he complained that opposition calls for more spending were putting the economy at risk, ... Rivals crisscross Canada ahead of elections Los Angeles Times Global turmoil dominates Canada election Financial Times AFP - Voice of America - Crosscut - Aljazeera.net all 951 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:37:49 GMT Vitamin D Supplementation Guidelines for Youngsters Doubled - Washington Post ABC News Vitamin D Supplementation Guidelines for Youngsters Doubled Washington Post - 9 hours ago By Amanda Gardner MONDAY, Oct. 13 (HealthDay News) -- The leading children's medical organization in the United States on Monday announced that it has doubled the amount of vitamin D recommended for infants, children and adolescents. Video: HealthWatch CBS Vitamin D recommendation for kids is doubled Los Angeles Times WebMD - ABC News - New York Times - KEYC all 609 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:11:02 GMT Wildfires threaten LA homes; two people dead - Reuters CBC.ca Wildfires threaten LA homes; two people dead Reuters - 4 hours ago By Steve Gorman and Alex Dobuzinskis LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Deadly wind-driven brush fires roared out of the foothills and canyons on the northern fringe of Los Angeles on Monday, destroying dozens of homes and threatening hundreds more dwellings. Video: LA Fire Officials Try to Get Ahead of Blazes AssociatedPress REGION: Fire alert remains in effect North County Times New York Times - BBC News - AFP - The Associated Press all 3,443 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:27:17 GMT Same-Sex Marriage and the Rights of Citizenship - New York Times ABC News Same-Sex Marriage and the Rights of Citizenship New York Times - 1 hour ago The Connecticut Supreme Court deserves praise for acknowledging, as other states that allow same-sex marriage have not, the constitutional principles that compelled the justices to guarantee all consenting adult Americans the right to enjoy the ... Gays rush to wed ahead of election Washington Times Comment by Evan Wolfson Executive Director, Freedom to Marry National Review Online Blogs - News10.net - WCAX - Catholic Weekly all 1,913 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 14 Oct 2008 04:41:27 GMT Excess Drinking Shrinks the Brain - Washington Post Canada.com Excess Drinking Shrinks the Brain Washington Post - 8 hours ago By Amanda Gardner MONDAY, Oct. 13 (HealthDay News) -- The more alcohol you drink, the more your brain shrinks, a new study has found. Study: Drinking alcohol associated with smaller brain volume Xinhua Alcohol Consumption Can Shrink Your Brain WCTV Inventorspot - Telegraph.co.uk - MedPage Today - Canada.com all 51 news articles Publ.Date : Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:09:07 GMT Add RSS Feeds To My Web Pages Increase Website Traffic

PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts, Websites, and more...

Adsense websites

Anything That?s Worth Doing, Is Worth Doing Poorly

Yes you got it. You read it correctly. We're not... Read More

Quotable Quotes Are Nothing More Than Flowery Words

Quotable quotes are nothing more than flowery words... And anyone... Read More

How to Scare Fear Out of Your Life

A reader asks: "Many times in my life I have... Read More

Teachers Pet

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 20,... Read More

Quitting Before It Even Starts

Most people give up just when they're about to achieve... Read More

The Climbs In Our Lives

I grew up climbing mountains. Mountains are beautiful and challenging,... Read More

Spiritual Bread Making

All the ingredients to make 12 loaves of bread already... Read More

Taking Life Head On

"We are built to conquer environment, solve problems, achieve goals... Read More

A Life Time of Strategic Thinking

You may be one of the thousands who think "Strategic... Read More

The Road Not Taken

Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 24,... Read More

The Theft of Fire

"Igne Natura Renovatur Integra" (By fire is nature renewed whole.)... Read More

What Is Your Real Worth?

Consider this. If it is possible to quote you as... Read More

Make Life Work: Repair the Relationship with Yourself

What areas of your life are working well? Career? Finances?Relationships?... Read More

Believe in Yourself!

A near middle-aged man in one of my last workshops... Read More

Moral Obligation & Responsibility

Chances are you have seen some type of disturbance in... Read More

How To Be a Champion in Your Life

Are you left with inspiration but no action after hearing,... Read More

Your True Talent Will Set You Free

When you get home from work, do you feel enriched,... Read More

The Great Challenge of Life

Here's the great challenge of life - You can have... Read More

A Word Fitly Spoken ~ Believe

A Word Fitly SpokenA word fitly spoken is like apples... Read More

A Plan Of Attack

Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 28,... Read More

Giving It Your Best - The William Hung American Idol Success Story

Never underestimate the power that comes from following your passion.... Read More

The Power of Inner SELF

I am sharing one of the great insights.The fear that... Read More

Small Wonder

Wonder:~~To think or speculate curiously~~To be filled with admiration, amazement... Read More

When Self-Growth becomes Self-Sabotage

Many of us invest quality time and energy into our... Read More

Surrender, Complete Healing, and the Garden of Eden

In 1982, I found myself in Eden. What I found... Read More