A New Strategy
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 3, 2003
My mother-in-law drives me crazy! She is an antisocial, critical, know-it-all who can't find anything decent to say about anyone but herself. Every time she comes to visit it puts such a damper on my relationship with my wife, it takes us days to recover.
We have never really gotten along, but lately it has gotten much worse. She left yesterday after a week's visit, and my wife and I didn't talk the rest of the day.
My mother-in-law barely gets along with her own sisters who live next door to her, and she is estranged from her own mother. She has only two friends in the whole world and no social life. She spends hours each day watching television and doing genealogy research.
When we got married 11 years ago, she said, "Don't call me mom, and don't expect me to love you more than my own children."
She divorced her husband after eight years and four children. She then devoted her life to her kids, to the exclusion of the rest of the world. She constantly talks about what we can and should do with our house, our property, and our money. Every time she comes over she points out things she thinks are wrong in our house.
The final straw came during her second to last visit. She blamed me for telling her to park at a train station where she got a parking ticket. I wasn't with her at the time, and I didn't tell her where to park. But she told my wife, "If I hadn't listened to your blankety-blank husband?"
This last visit we borrowed a suitcase. The handle was damaged during baggage handling, so she had it repaired and we paid to get it fixed. In the meantime she damaged the interior of our car, which she borrowed, and never mentioned it. Then my wife wonders why I resent my mother-in-law.
This woman constantly criticizes her nieces for bad lifestyles, yet she never talks about her two kids, the crack addict son who steals from his dad, and the living-on-the-fringe daughter who was imprisoned twice for credit card theft and fraud.
I try to be polite, but her constant bad behavior puts a damper on my best intentions. It doesn't help that I don't have a sparkling personality myself. I have a reprieve until Christmas. Help me get this under control before then!
Kirk
Kirk, we don't believe in rewarding bad behavior with good treatment. Not only will that not discourage bad behavior, it worsens it. You have seen that for yourself. You have been polite, and your mother-in-law's behavior is getting worse.
It is as if you have been thrust into a boxing ring against your will. An honorable boxer wouldn't hit an unwilling person, but your mother-in-law hits below the belt, throws kidney punches, and bites in the clinches. You have had enough provocation to at least defend yourself.
You can't change her, but you can change how you deal with her, and that may mean fighting fire with fire. It may sound harsh, but when your mother-in-law criticizes you, inquire if her daughter is turning her life around. When she accuses you of things you haven't done, ask about her son's rehab.
Or on a more subtle level, you could give her books about how to be a good guest, a good friend, and a good person. She could also use a good book on manners. Your mother-in-law needs to understand that negative comments about your life will be met with negative comments about her life. By the same token meet any positives from her with positives from you.
Self-centered people view politeness and good manners in others as a weakness they can exploit. There is only one strategy which is likely to work for you. Make this a Christmas your mother-in-law will remember.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
 Google News Updated : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:08:02 GMT Fed may extend Wall Street lending - Reuters
Reuters - By Patrick Rucker ARLINGTON, Virginia (Reuters) - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Tuesday the US central bank may keep an emergency lending facility for big Wall Street firms open longer than it initially intended, a signal the Fed is ... Bernanke says Fed may extend bank discount rate Bernanke Says Fed May Continue Lending Into Next Year (Update3) Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:34:02 GMT Cipro joins the 'black box' club - Los Angeles Times
Los Angeles Times - The club may not be as elite as it once was -- or perhaps, in an ideal world, should be -- but the Food and Drug Administration has decided Cipro and its ilk deserve to be members. UPDATE 3-Antibiotics can harm tendons, US FDA warns FDA orders 'black box' label on some antibiotics Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:12:01 GMT Alcoa beats the Street - CNNMoney.com
CNNMoney.com - The aluminum producer and Dow component kicks off the latest round of earnings reports by saying that higher volume and prices offset rising commodity costs. UPDATE 3-Alcoa's profit lower but tops Street forecasts Alcoa's Second-Quarter Net Fell 24% Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:18:45 GMT Church divided: Women bishops an obstacle to unity, Vatican warns - guardian.co.uk
guardian.co.uk - The Vatican yesterday criticised the Church of England's decision to press ahead with the ordination of women bishops, saying it presented a "further obstacle" for reconciliation between Canterbury and Rome. Vatican 'regrets' female bishops Vatican angry over women bishops Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:02:59 GMT Bush pushes US-India nuclear deal - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - TOYAKO, Japan (AP) - President Bush defended a languishing deal his administration negotiated to sell India nuclear fuel and technology, saying he reassured India's prime minister that the pact was important for both countries despite heavy opposition ... India Singh to Seek Vote Before IAEA Approval on Nuclear Accord UPDATE 1-India says relations with US in good shape Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:20:36 GMT War Powers Act needs fixing, bipartisan panel says - CNN
CNN - WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The United States needs a new law requiring that the president consult with Congress before going to war, a blue-ribbon panel led by two former secretaries of state said Tuesday. Video: Panel Calls for New War Powers Legislation 'War Powers' Plan Faces Steep Odds Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:10:08 GMT InBev seeks summary judgment in court - Reuters
Reuters - PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - InBev NV (INTB.BR: Quote, Profile, Research, Stock Buzz) on Tuesday asked a court to make a summary judgment on its lawsuit over the possible removal of all 13 directors of Anheuser-Busch Cos Inc's (BUD. Anheuser-Busch sues InBev Busch sues InBev over takeover attempt Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:34:28 GMT Amazon Associate Store |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... The problem with waiting until tomorrow is that when it... Read More Child abuse is a much more common event, than is... Read More All the ingredients to make 12 loaves of bread already... Read More You must absolutely have a vision, or a dream, for... Read More Earlier this year, following an intention to live more consciously,... Read More A number of years ago I worked for one of... Read More Everyone wants to be rich. A lot of people want... Read More "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile... Read More Notes are very powerful. They express your thanks, encouragement, sympathy,... Read More Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 2,... Read More So who is Dr Robert Anthony?He is the best-selling author... Read More For one who takes pride in being involved with different... Read More To [many] work is not a gratifying opportunity to do... Read More "I was washing my breakfast dishes one morning when it... Read More 1. We all have a purpose in this life time.The... Read More In America, we have a saying: The finer things in... Read More My eldest son phoned me the other night to let... Read More Self-confidence is your assessment of your own self-worth. It plays... Read More In my lifetime, I have never witnessed enduring unconditional love... Read More Fulfilling your dreams will remain a mirage if you simply... Read More Whenever we are working on our dreams we are going... Read More "The power of discovery enables us to achieve excellence without... Read More How often do you have opportunities every day to exercise... Read More Have you ever been in the situation where you have... Read More Let us renew our hope in humanity. It's so easy... Read More
Adsense
websites
Today is Yesterdays Tomorrow
Abused as a Child
Spiritual Bread Making
Do You Have a Vision?
Conscious Living
Why Self Esteem Matters
The TOP 5 Things That Keep You From Success
Mirror, Mirror -- What Do I See?
The Power of Notes
Nine Lives
Who Is Dr Robert Anthony and Why Is He One of My Mentors and Heroes?
One Woman?s Story of How Her Smile Increased Her Confidence
Love and Courage
Listening to Your Inner Voice May Save Your Life
7 Perks to Living a Life on Purpose
The Finer, and Finest, Things in Life
In Search For Wealth
Confidence Building Steps That Work Like Crazy!
Unconditional Love is Absolute Freedom to Screw Up Your Life
Fulfilling Your Dreams: The Magic Of Starting
Keep on Keeping on!
Letting Go Of Perfection
Borne Upon the Wings of Words
Its The Little Things That Count
Hope in Humanity
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
Transform Old Grumpy
This is a true story. A woman had Snow White... Read More
Change is the Only Constant
The physics professor with the unruly shock of white hair... Read More
Ways To Beat The Blues
1. Sit back and enjoy (or at least tolerate) the... Read More
Inspiring Values of Unforgettable Teachers
All of us recall special teachers - people who not... Read More
Emancipation
Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 8,... Read More
Parental Consent
Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 11,... Read More
Basic Buddhism - Doing What is Right
I find of particular interest in the Eastern Religions many... Read More
Get Your Guidance and Get to Know Your True Self
Many people feel they have everything they need in life,... Read More
Clearing Your Inner Landscape: Freeing Yourself From Emotional Deadwood
Do you suffer from emotional clutter? Is suffering even the... Read More
The Procrastinating Perfectionist
Are you a procrastinating perfectionist? I once read an article... Read More
Why Integrity!
There is much said in the word "integrity"! According to... Read More
How To Develop A Grateful Mind (The Best Medicine)
There is one sure fire medicine that cures all difficulty... Read More
Dreams Do Come True
Experience has made a lot of folks to consider dreams... Read More
A Path To Peace
The root of discord and violence between people and nations... Read More
Accelerate Your Abilities
In today's fast-paced life, the wins usually go to those... Read More
Heart
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 24,... Read More
How Do You Do That? Demystifying People With Disabilities
IntroductionNearly all employers and human resource professionals are aware of... Read More
Fighting Grief: The Time To Show You Care
The news came as a shock to us all. He... Read More
You Are The One, There is No One Else
At the time I created my web site, I was... Read More
Unintended Consequences
Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 26,... Read More
Fear No Evil - How To Avoid Worry And Fear
"Yeah, though I walk through the valley of the shadow... Read More
Accept Every Invitation
How often do you decline an invitation because you have... Read More
Clicking to Good Vibrations!
Recently my dad visited me in Victoria, BC. He is... Read More
How Healing The Past Empowers Your Future
Everyday I meet people who have a chronic upset that... Read More
Listening to Your Heart!
Trying to predict stock price movements is necessary, of course.... Read More
Inspirational |