Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn't help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn't allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...

I always (for the past five minutes) thought it would be interesting if the transmissions from cell phones could be visible, so that I could look out the window right now and see all the words that are being passed from one phone to another. Another added plus of the words being visible is that I could reach into the air and take away the ones that I don't like, therefore completely changing people's conversations. With me controlling the airwaves, people would never use cell phones again, and we would no longer have to worry about walking down the street and being hit with a "hello," or a "goodbye," or a "he needs to stop messing with my mother's wounded llama," the latter of which would be a sentence that I formed based on stealing certain key words from zookeepers' conversations...

I always wondered - as has everyone - what it is like when two zookeepers got together. Do they act like party animals? Maybe go ape? If two zookeepers are reading this column simultaneously, I think an e-mail is in order. But I will only read this correspondence if both zookeepers have equal say in the wording...

Back to my complaints about cell phones, though. If I am unable to control the words soaring through the air, I would at least like to take a visit to a central satellite which serves as the basis for cellular conversations. I am thinking that if I point the satellite in a different direction, this would cause each person to call people they normally would never call, like the kid in homeroom who said he'll "keep in touch," or that telemarketer you said you'd get back to at some point. Better yet, perhaps I can point the satellite in the direction that forces each person to only call his or her own phone, which would be a useful concept in the Dakotas, where there aren't a lot of people to converse with anyway...

With this accomplished, I'd also like to set up a pen pal system amongst the residents of North and South Dakota. I don't necessarily think they should send letters to each other, but I believe they should trade pens on a weekly basis. This kind of sharing will prove valuable in the unity of the states, as well in the general maintenance of ink and the management thereof...

Such a program will be coordinated by an 11-year-old on a cell phone...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

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Google News Updated : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 01:08:02 GMT Cipro joins the 'black box' club - Los Angeles Times KSFY Cipro joins the 'black box' club Los Angeles Times - 1 hour ago The club may not be as elite as it once was -- or perhaps, in an ideal world, should be -- but the Food and Drug Administration has decided Cipro and its ilk deserve to be members. UPDATE 3-Antibiotics can harm tendons, US FDA warns Reuters FDA orders 'black box' label on some antibiotics CNN Wall Street Journal - The Associated Press - Atlanta Journal Constitution - KRDO all 552 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:12:01 GMT Church divided: Women bishops an obstacle to unity, Vatican warns - guardian.co.uk Telegraph.co.uk Church divided: Women bishops an obstacle to unity, Vatican warns guardian.co.uk - 2 hours ago The Vatican yesterday criticised the Church of England's decision to press ahead with the ordination of women bishops, saying it presented a "further obstacle" for reconciliation between Canterbury and Rome. Vatican 'regrets' female bishops CNN International Vatican angry over women bishops BBC News The Associated Press - Reuters - New York Times - AFP all 2,159 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 23:02:59 GMT Bush pushes US-India nuclear deal - The Associated Press Washington Post Bush pushes US-India nuclear deal The Associated Press - 47 minutes ago TOYAKO, Japan (AP) - President Bush defended a languishing deal his administration negotiated to sell India nuclear fuel and technology, saying he reassured India's prime minister that the pact was important for both countries despite heavy opposition ... India Singh to Seek Vote Before IAEA Approval on Nuclear Accord Bloomberg UPDATE 1-India says relations with US in good shape Reuters UK Washington Post - Voice of America - AFP - Reuters India all 986 news articles Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:20:36 GMT Fed may extend Wall Street lending - Reuters ABC News Fed may extend Wall Street lending Reuters - 2 hours ago By Patrick Rucker ARLINGTON, Virginia (Reuters) - Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Tuesday the US central bank may keep an emergency lending facility for big Wall Street firms open longer than it initially intended, a signal the Fed is ... Bernanke says Fed may extend bank discount rate guardian.co.uk Bernanke Says Fed May Continue Lending Into Next Year (Update3) Bloomberg CNNMoney.com - Forbes - MarketWatch - Bizjournals.com all 1,278 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:34:02 GMT War Powers Act needs fixing, bipartisan panel says - CNN William and Mary News War Powers Act needs fixing, bipartisan panel says CNN - 5 hours ago WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The United States needs a new law requiring that the president consult with Congress before going to war, a blue-ribbon panel led by two former secretaries of state said Tuesday. Video: Panel Calls for New War Powers Legislation AssociatedPress 'War Powers' Plan Faces Steep Odds Washington Post Reuters - The Associated Press - BBC News - ABC News all 601 news articles Publ.Date : Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:10:08 GMT Alcoa beats the Street - CNNMoney.com HispanicBusiness.com Alcoa beats the Street CNNMoney.com - 49 minutes ago The aluminum producer and Dow component kicks off the latest round of earnings reports by saying that higher volume and prices offset rising commodity costs. UPDATE 3-Alcoa's profit lower but tops Street forecasts Reuters Alcoa's Second-Quarter Net Fell 24% Wall Street Journal MarketWatch - Bloomberg - Forbes - The Associated Press all 225 news articles Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:18:45 GMT InBev seeks summary judgment in court - Reuters ABC News InBev seeks summary judgment in court Reuters - 33 minutes ago PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - InBev NV (INTB.BR: Quote, Profile, Research, Stock Buzz) on Tuesday asked a court to make a summary judgment on its lawsuit over the possible removal of all 13 directors of Anheuser-Busch Cos Inc's (BUD. Anheuser-Busch sues InBev Bizjournals.com Busch sues InBev over takeover attempt guardian.co.uk New York Times - Wall Street Journal - MarketWatch - Bloomberg all 1,185 news articles Publ.Date : Wed, 09 Jul 2008 00:34:28 GMT RSS Software Web Site Traffic

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