How Long Does It Take to Mend a Broken Heart?
Julian Austin, Canadian country singer, released a song called Should Be Over You. He sings, How long does it take to mend a broken heart? After the heartache and tears, lonely and hurting, one night stands and drinking ain't working, and missing you has near killed me a time or two, then after that I should be over you."
Austin's explanation of how long it takes to get over a broken heart refers to a romantic love that ended, but his words could apply to hearts that break when someone we love dies, also.
Broken hearts are not like broken legs. If I fall down the steps and break my leg, it will hurt, but a doctor can prescribe medicine to take away the pain. The medical staff can set my leg so that the bones will grow back together. Within a few months, I should be able to run as well as I did before the fall. Our bodies have a wonderful way of healing themselves.
On the other hand, if we experience a broken heart, it's a whole different story! As Austin sings, drinkin' won't work, and there's no medicine that will take away the pain. And if there are doctors that can fix our broken hearts back, they must be hiding in Tazmania because I can't find them in south Georgia or on the World Wide Web.
In spite of the bleak picture, our hearts do have the capability of healing, in due time. They may never work as they did before the tragedy, but they should be able to attain a level of functioning that we can be comfortable with. The key words are in due time.
After Arlyn (my daughter) died, I searched for answers to the question: how long? I read grief books, and I quizzed people who claimed to know all the ins and outs of bereavement.
When I asked how long it would take for me to get over Arlyn's death, I received a variety of answers.
Some experts said two months is long enough for deep grief; others said six months. Some people said to allow one year for mourning. Still others said that there is no set time limit, that it varies from person to person.
In my research, I found that the way we grieve and the duration of our grief are as unique as our fingerprints. No two bereavement patterns match.
How long it takes to recover from a loss or death depends on the interaction of various factors. A few of them are:
* Who died? * How did the person die? * Is there a good long-term support system in place? * What are the complicating life circumstances? * What is the person's attitude?
Let's consider each of these issues.
Who died?
How we survive, heal, and grow after a death are determined, in part, by our relationship with the person who left, and that person's age.
How long a person has lived seems to matter sometimes. If the person who died is an infant, a child, a teenager or a young adult, we may feel the loss harder than we would if the one who died has a wrinkled old body topped by a weathered face, wispy gray hair and tried eyes.
I am not sure why this is; perhaps some of you will offer your opinions. If someone who has lived for ninety years dies, why should we be less affected by it than we are by the death of a child who only lives nine years?
Next, our relationship with the person who died is also significant. The death of a son or daughter, is considered to be one of the most profound losses anyone ever experiences.
However, the death of our husbands, wives, lovers, brothers, sisters, parents, or close friends may break our hearts, too. The break may simply be at a different place.
Sometimes, people grieve for beloved pets as hard as they do for the humans in their lives. People also grieve for celebrities and for people they have never met, if they have somehow been touched by them.
How did the person die?
We respond to loss or death differently according to whether it happened suddenly or gradually, and whether it's a death caused by sickness or a violent one.
Some of us may have experienced the slow grief of long-term care for someone we love. We may have watched an aging parent or spouse die of cancer or Alzheimer's disease or AIDS, with the process taking months or years to complete.
By the time the end comes, our grief may already be so heavy that we almost feel relieved to be able to let it go, but then it may return with a different texture to it later on.
On the other hand, sudden deaths bring about strong, emotional responses. We don't anticipate vehicle accidents, house fire deaths, or people being killed by lightning.
We never expect anyone we care about to drown, to crash while skiing, or to have a fatal heart attack. An unexpected ending of a life can become a tidal wave pulling us under.
Sometimes, people die violently, either through homicide or suicide. Those affected by violent deaths may be so traumatized that their grief is controlled by anger, guilt, or rage for weeks, months and years.
Such intense feelings may prolong the painful grieving period, but that?s the only way they can survive. The tidal wave of a sudden death is even more terrifying to deal with when violence is involved.
Does the person have a long-term support system in place to help?
Connecting with supportive people until the grief process has run its course is crucial to healthy healing after a loss or death or other life crisis, for most of us. The supportive people may be friends, family members or professionals. They may also be people we meet on our journey who share our need to grieve.
Most people don't understand how we feel if they have not experienced the same loss or gone through similar circumstances. They may want to help, but they simply don't know how to do it, and sometimes, they put barriers in our way.
The result is that those of us who are in mourning may feel misunderstood, isolated and alone.
To compound things, if we feel pressured by others to suck-it-in and be strong, our need to grieve may be ignored, and that can make grief resolution even more difficult.
What are the complicating life circumstances?
Life circumstances can put impediments to a healthy, comfortable, peaceful way of life in our way. These situations, some of which we may not be able to prevent or control, can complicate our grief or prolong it. They can also delay our grief for months or even years.
Sometimes, we will have more than one complicating life circumstance. In these cases, giving ourselves permission to grieve, in spite of the problems in our lives, may be easier said than done.
Some of the complicating life circumstances are:
~ Our age and gender
~ Our job expectations
~ Money concerns
~ The quality of our personal relationships
~ Our health & the health of those around us
~ Any unresolved issues from our lives
The complicating factors of our lives may swell into huge thunderous waves pulling us under, and during a traumatic time in our life, we may forget how to swim.
All of these issues can stall the natural grieving process by virtue of the fact that we may have to focus all of our energy on them, neglecting our own emotional needs.
What's the person's attitude?
After the loss or death of a loved one, especially if it's someone who is an integral part of our existence, we may not be able to choose our attitude at first. Initially, it may take all of our energy just to survive, so our grief may control us.
Grief is sometimes accompanied by depression. Depression may deplete our energy or obliterate our will to live. Without energy or motivation, it's not easy to embrace grief as a separate entity.
Eventually, however, most of us will reach a point where we do have some control over our emotions and thoughts. Then, we have to decide whether we?re going to allow the tragedy to destroy us or lift us up.
There are other factors identified by experts as influencing how long healthy grieving lasts, but those I have listed encompass most things that matter. So now, what is the answer to the question: How long does it take to mend a broken heart? How long does the bereavement process last?
Unless someone discovers a magic formula to calculate the value of every factor that affects our lives, and to measure them all accurately, there is no way to determine the length of time anyone needs to mourn after a major loss.
Broken hearts and shattered souls are not controlled by a stopwatch. I say that we should be allowed to mourn as long as we need to. Period.
Quotes of the week -
I measure every grief I meet with narrow, probing eyes, I wonder if it weighs like mine, or has an easier size. Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
I wish you peace.
Karyl Chastain Beal
Reluctant Traveler
karylofpavo@cs.com
Karyl Chastain Beal: Writer, Mother, Reluctant Traveler
Began this new journey after the suicide of her daughter, Arlyn, in 1996. Visit Arlyn's memorial to learn more, and also some of the websites that help educate. MS in Education, CT (Certified Thanatologist), story in Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul and various other publications.
Arlyn's - http://virtual-memoria ls.com/servlet/ViewMemorials?memid=7461&pageno=1
Grieving Parents - http://www.grieving-parents.com
We Remember Them Memorial Website - http://www.we-remember-them.com
 Google News Updated : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:51:06 GMT American space tourist blasts off in Soyuz rocket - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - BAIKONUR, Kazakhstan (AP) - A Soyuz spacecraft with two Americans and a Russian on board lifted off from Kazakhstan on Sunday for the international space station. Space Toilet Fixed – For Now Russia launches spacecraft with sixth space tourist Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 11:11:37 GMT ARM Holders Would Do Well to Shop Around Now - Washington Post
Washington Post - By Nancy Trejos The global financial crisis has affected virtually every aspect of personal finance, from mortgages to student loans to credit cards to retirement savings. Finance giants reportedly ordered to buy $40 bln of mortgage bonds ... Fannie, Freddie to Buy $40 Billion a Month of Troubled Assets Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 07:07:17 GMT Many homers, and pitches, in Game 2 - MLB.com
MLB.com - By Bryan Hoch / MLB.com ST. PETERSBURG -- Five hours and 27 minutes elapsed during Saturday's American League Championship Series Game 2, bookending the moments when Scott Kazmir threw the game's first pitch over home plate and BJ Upton popped its ... Up, up, and away Mike Timlin shoulders blame Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:22:57 GMT Japan says will tap FX reserve if IMF steps up bailout - Reuters
Reuters - WASHINGTON, Oct 11 (Reuters) - Japan said on Saturday it is ready to offer a part of its $1 trillion foreign reserves to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) if the multi-national lender is to support countries facing economic crisis. Video: IMF: Timing right for G7 IMF Calls for Aggressive Response to Crisis Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:32:02 GMT Theatrical Review of Body of Lies - DVDTOWN.com DVDTOWN.com - By Jason P. Vargo "Body of Lies" is a certain type of movie designed for a certain type of moviegoer. I think the tagline describes the movie perfectly, actually. Will 'Chihuahua' take a bite out of 'Body of Lies'? Body of Lies Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 00:19:39 GMT Van driver's work in Mass. aided Nobel winners - Boston Globe
Boston Globe - HUNTSVILLE, Ala.—When two American scientists won a Nobel Prize this week in chemistry, the driver of a car dealership's courtesy van had reason to take special interest. Video: Nobel Chemistry Prize Goes for Jellyfish Protein Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:14:18 GMT McCain campaign's tone likened to George Wallace's - Newsday
Newsday - WASHINGTON - Rep. John Lewis, a Georgia Democrat and veteran of the civil rights movement, says the negative tone of the Republican presidential campaign reminds him of the hateful atmosphere segregationist Gov. McCain in 'hatred' war of words Obama thanks, jabs at McCain Publ.Date : Sun, 12 Oct 2008 09:27:11 GMT RSS Software |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... Life has always been a journey, a journey of finding... Read More My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age... Read More Reflect upon the following questions, and answer those you feel... Read More Why We Fear Death"Men fear death as children fear to... Read More It felt like I had been run over by a... Read More September 11th changed America and chances are it changed you.... Read More Memories are never to be buried along with the loss... Read More It's a familiar story, and I have been through it... Read More Remember the Eulogy projects we had to write back in... Read More October makes me think of Halloween, and Halloween makes me... Read More When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or... Read More Like it or not, we think in line with our... Read More Suicide strikes...AGAIN!This may wind up being the most important article... Read More Although many of us carry some form of emotional trauma... Read More The delight lit my face as the couple turned the... Read More It was a moment I will never forget.On February 22,... Read More It is one thing to be free; it is quite... Read More When I invited Martha to the gathering at my house,... Read More Helpers often ask questions such as: "What should I do?... Read More I've always waited for the perfect moment to be happy:... Read More I know anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before... Read More When a friend or loved one is grieving, it is... Read More If you have ever lost someone dear to you it... Read More Julian Austin, Canadian country singer, released a song called Should... Read More When my phone rang the other day, it was a... Read More
Adsense
websites
Online Memorial ? A Dedication of Love for Your Departed Loved Ones
How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits
How to Deal with Suffering
Cultivate a Friendship with Death
The Valley of Sorrow or My Life as a Well Digger
Terrorism Worries: 10 Ways to Turn Fear into Hope
Online Monument ? An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones
What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired
Dying? Not Me! Why You Should Plan for Transition
Grief Masks
Coping With A Funeral
Watching Death
Suicide in the Church, Part 3
Physiological Consequences of Carrying Emotional Trauma
One Stray Tear
Beyond A Mothers Nightmare To Radical Forgiveness
Liberation
Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief
Grief Support: The Dos
Present Moment Awareness: Lessons From My Dog
Why Dont We Talk About Anticipatory Grief?
What is an Appropriate Sympathy Gift?
Grief
How Long Does It Take to Mend a Broken Heart?
The Walking Wounded
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
Why Dont We Talk About Anticipatory Grief?
I know anticipatory grief - a feeling of loss before... Read More
Angelo Dies
Angelo C, was a good man that never did any... Read More
Silent Tears - from a Norwegian Hospital
Silent tears hit hospital-white sheets. The young Pakistani mother holds... Read More
Am I a Mother - Tips for Handling Mother?s Day After Miscarriage
Are you spending this Mother's Day wondering if you are,... Read More
Coping with Grief - Its Called Living Through It
"Dad, I tried to wake Nana, I think she's dead."... Read More
Coping With A Funeral
When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or... Read More
Then and Now
Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death... Read More
Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief
The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into... Read More
Death, Close and Personal
I got an email recently from someone whose mother died.... Read More
When The Spirit Leaves The Body
Do you spend most of your time inside or outside... Read More
Grief Support: The Don?ts
1) Don't try to make the grieving person feel better.... Read More
Online Monument ? An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones
Memories are never to be buried along with the loss... Read More
Good Grief!
If tears are an indication of how special my relationship... Read More
How to Turn Grief into Joy
I was with my daddy when he died. Excuse me,... Read More
Suicide in the Church, Part 3
Suicide strikes...AGAIN!This may wind up being the most important article... Read More
Understanding Grief and Loss in Times of War and Disaster
There are many different kinds of losses we can experience... Read More
Mexico: Death in Mexico
Death: No thank you. Dying: Gives me a panic attack.... Read More
We are the Reflection of our Lives: How to Survive Loss & Humility
Everyday, I look in the mirror to see the face... Read More
Made in Heaven
Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of... Read More
A Critical Assessment of Euthanasia
The question of whether, say, a man should have the... Read More
Watching Death
Like it or not, we think in line with our... Read More
Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief
When I invited Martha to the gathering at my house,... Read More
How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business
As a small business owner we have to deal with... Read More
What is an Appropriate Sympathy Gift?
When a friend or loved one is grieving, it is... Read More
Are We All Losers? Understanding Grief
The well-known pioneer researcher Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five states... Read More
Dealing with Grief & Loss |