People Pleasing and How to Stop!
"People pleasing can leave you feeling empty and taken advantage of." Deb Melton
One of the ways fear shows up in our lives and keeps us from living fully is when we become a people pleaser. You know when you are doing it. You pick up the check and put it on your credit card, because you want everyone at the table to admire you and like you more. You say "yes" to your sister who asks you to baby sit for her 3 year old on Sunday afternoon, because you don't want to offend her by saying "no". You agree to help a friend move next weekend, because you'd feel guilty if you did not.
Inherent in people pleasing is an expectation that the favor will be returned and if it is not, you are apt to feel disappointed or resentful. You may say to yourself, "I am always doing nice things for my friends, but they don't seem to notice or be around when I need something." Two things are at work here, inability to say "no" when you want to say "no", and inability to ask for what you want or need. This is how fear keeps us stuck in resentment, anger and disappointment.
Saying "yes", because of fear of loss, when you really want to say "no" allows fear to be in charge of your life, not you. It may not be that your friends and family are inconsiderate jerks! It may be that you are too controlled by fear to say "no". When you learn to value yourself and see that your needs and wants are as valid as anyone else's, you are less likely to fall into people pleasing as a way of getting and keeping friends. When you value yourself you are more authentically you, which makes you more interesting and attractive and, consequently, others will like you and value you more too.
Making a request and asking for what you need or want is one of the best ways to move from a feeling of powerlessness to a feeling of having power over your life and what happens to you. But remember, a request is just that, a request. The other person is not obligated to say "yes"; no matter how close they are to you or how many favors you have done for them in the past. When you make a request with stirrings attached, you are expecting a certain outcome and you may be very disappointed if things do not go as you expected. The key here is to come from a place of open intention, not expectation of a certain outcome.
If you want to be able to be able to live this way and stop living from fear and instead live from freedom and joy, call me and I'll show you how. In a few months you could find yourself living outrageously, being happy, having more fun, feeling more love, living from your passion and feeling a sense of purpose. Many of my clients have found that the support of a coach can make all the difference. Here is what some have said.
"My coaching sessions with you have really turned my life in a more positive direction. You've given me tools and guidance that has benefited me more than all my years of counseling! " Carol Brown, MD
"The biggest gift I have received from your coaching, Deb, is how to trust myself." Kiara D songwriter, NYC
"Deb provided me with gentle support and was confrontive when I needed it. Through the work I did with Deb, I found a sense of freedom like I have never experienced in my life!" Dana M. nurse, OKC
"I think I have been unhappy for a while and trying to blame others for what I am feeling. I realized only I can make me happy. I don't think I would have realized any of this if it had not been for your patient and persistence in coaching me. Thanks so much for helping me get my life back on track!" Mary D. Stock Broker, CO
You may also consider joining an on-the-phone Fear Buster Group I have one starting nearly every month. Call me for details. Deb Melton, Certified Fearless Living Coach 303-986-2223
If you liked this article sing up to receive a similar one in your email box each week. Go to http://wwww.denversinglescoach.com/ezine_signup.php
Deb Melton is a Certified Fearless Living Coach trained by The Fearless Living Institute with Rhonda Britten of the hit TV show "Starting Over".
Deb is testiment to what fearless living can do for you! Trapped in an unhappy married for 29 years, now divorced she is a ski instructor, hiking guide, world traveler and life and singles coach. To learn more visit her website http://www.denversinglescoach.com
If you liked this article sing up to receive a similar one in your email box each week. Go to http://www.denversinglescoach.com/ezine_si gnup.php
 Google News Updated : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 06:55:22 GMT McCain Battles a Nemesis, the Teleprompter - New York Times
New York Times - Mary Altaffer/AP By MARK LEIBOVICH LAS VEGAS —Senator John McCain was performing relatively smoothly as he unveiled his energy plan. McCain Campaign, in Relaunch, Seeks Tighter Message Focus McCain Campaign on Obama and Iraq Publ.Date : Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:31:52 GMT Obama "puzzled" by Iraq comment frenzy - Reuters
Reuters - By John Whitesides, Political Correspondent ST. LOUIS (Reuters) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said on Saturday his plan to end the Iraq war was unchanged and he was puzzled by the sharp reaction to his statement this week that he ... Obama struggles to thread needle on Iraq Obama Refines the Blame on Iraq Miscue Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 05:08:23 GMT Hippie Arrests Draw ACLU’s Attention - New York Times
New York Times - By AP CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) - The American Civil Liberties Union said on Saturday that it would investigate the actions of federal officers who had arrested five members of the Rainbow Family in western Wyoming during the group’s annual gathering. ACLU plans to investigate Rainbow Family treatment ACLU to investigate Rainbow Family treatment Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:40:38 GMT Analysis: McCain struggles to regain footing - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - WASHINGTON (AP) - John McCain calls himself an underdog. That may be an understatement. The GOP presidential candidate trails Democrat Barack Obama in polls, organization and money while trying to succeed a deeply unpopular fellow Republican in a year ... Rural voters lean to the GOP Neither Obama nor McCain meets Energy Party standard Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:40:55 GMT Ore. man completes flight of fancy _ in lawn chair - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - CAMBRIDGE, Idaho (AP) - Using his trusty BB gun to help him return to Earth, a 48-year-old gas station owner flew a lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert Saturday, landing in a field in Idaho. Video: Ore. Man Uses Balloons and a Lawn Chair to Fly Believe it or not, he's lounging on air Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 05:50:31 GMT Smallest planet shrinks in size - BBC News
BBC News - The smallest planet in the Solar System has become even smaller, studies by the Messenger spacecraft have shown. Data from a flyby of Mercury in January 2008 show the planet has contracted by more than one mile (1.5km) in diameter over its history. First Results From Messenger's Mercury Flyby Mercury is shrinking, NASA craft finds; a cool clue: 'lobate scarps' Publ.Date : Fri, 04 Jul 2008 11:45:26 GMT Argentine Lower House Passes Grain Export-Tax Plan (Update3) - Bloomberg
Bloomberg - By Eliana Raszewski July 5 (Bloomberg) -- Argentina's lower house of congress approved the government's plan to increase taxes on exports of grains and oilseeds, risking a resumption of three months of strikes by farmers. Export Tax That Angers Farmers Advances in Argentina Argentina lawmakers approve farm export tax hike Publ.Date : Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:41:30 GMT Amazon Associate Software |
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