Helping Relationships: Understanding the Helpee
One of the most distressing observations I have made among my social work colleagues, is the overwhelming proclivity on the part of many of us so-called helpers, to lack understanding and sensitivity to the position helpees are in when they agree to accept intervention.
Many of us take "professionalism" out of context and become more of a burden to families than a helping resource. All to often, we believe we are "experts" (a term used rather loosely these days), and therefore know more about what is best for those we are attempting to help, which as far as I am concerned is utterly ridiculous. We want to take individuals out of their dysfunctional world, bring them into our less than perfect world and then drop them like a hot potato. We judge their world as inadequate and we must therefore make it more adequate by imposing our "expertise." We enter helping relationships with the desire to "fix it" not understanding that we do not have the power to fix; only the helpee has that power.
I believe the best way to help individuals is to positively influence their decision for change; to assist them in getting comfortable with the idea of change and the benefits it may have for their lives. If people buy into the need for change, and we provide the support and tools needed for them to change, change will happen. But, before that can occur, we professionals must become sensitized to what it means for individuals to receive help. It is not a pretty picture.
Let's take a brief look at what is required for individuals (including us professionals by the way) to accept help.
1) It Is Not Easy To Receive Help - Most people who need help experience mixed feelings. They want help and at the same time are terrified of it. And in many cases, the fear of it is greater than the desire for it. We can understand this better if we look at what demands are placed on the person who needs help:
- There is a recognition that something is wrong with him/her or lacking in their situation which they apparently cannot manage sufficiently themselves. The consequence of this recognition is the lowering of self-esteem.
- They must be willing to tell someone else about their problem.
- They must accord to the Helper at least limited rights to personal information.
- They must be open to change in some way.
2) Commitment to Change is Not Easy - Change means giving up whatever adjustment has been made to their current situation; adjustments that have cost a great deal to make and have become a part of their world and lifestyle. They have developed a comfort zone that they are not readily willing to move out of. Most of us tend to cling to the status quo out of fear. As professionals, we must realize that it is hard for individuals to say good-bye to old ways of thinking and doing things. Keep in mind that to commit to change means committing to the unknown. Their comfort world is where they are accustomed. From our perspective it may be a miserable comfort, but in the helpees world, misery is oftentimes preferred to the unknown.
3) It Is Difficult to Submit to the Influence of a Helper - Many helpees have had bad experiences with helpers. For many people, trying to live more productive lives with the assistance of helpers has only resulted in greater defeat. While a willingness to help is important, it is not enough within itself. Helpers must be prepared to offer the kind of help helpees need.
4) It Is Not Easy to Trust Strangers Enough to be Open With Them -Many people have been deeply hurt by so called helpers: confidence betrayed, taken advantage of, verbally abused, mistreated, dehumanized, humiliated, belittled. I do not care how insufficient an individual may appear, they do not want to be made to "feel" inadequate.
5. It Is Not Easy To See One's Problem Clearly - Many helpees live complicated lives. There are so many issues they are contending with that often they are unable to pinpoint what their problem is that they desire help with. In social work, what helpees tell us initially is what we call the "presenting problem" We recognize the presenting problem as the surface layer and it is rarely the problem that needs addressing.
6. Sometimes Problems Seem too Overwhelming, or Shameful to Share Easily. Helpees do not want to be perceived in a negative light by the helper and may experience great difficulty in relating areas of their lives in which they feel ashamed and believe they will be judged.
It is not an easy thing to accept help. Yet, for the most part, this tremendous demand made on the person to be helped has gone unrecognized. People who refuse help are still thought of as ungrateful when all they really are is afraid. They are very much afraid of what it will cost them to accept help or to make changes.
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, veteran social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach which can be reviewed on her site. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: My Grief Management Workbook, is expected to be available in July.
You are welcome to visit AMEN Ministries: Your Souls' service Station for spiritual refreshing, soul edification or to browse our newly expanded mini shopping mall. http://www.clergyservices4u.org
Blessings to all!
 Google News Updated : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 20:07:30 GMT Journals week in review: news from One Microsoft Way - Ars Technica
Ars Technica - By Emil Protalinski | Published: September 06, 2008 - 01:15PM CT First Gates-Seinfeld ad leaves us scratching our heads. The first Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates ad has arrived. Seinfeld ads only part of Microsoft push Windows Vista: The OS About Nothing Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 18:27:03 GMT Buckeyes survive Ohio's threat, 26-14 - The Associated Press
The Associated Press - COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - Beanie Wells didn't play. The Ohio Bobcats sure did. Lightly regarded even in the Mid-American Conference, Ohio put a scare into No. Ohio State Football: OSU 26, OU 14 Posted by ESPN.com's Adam Rittenberg Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:31:47 GMT Obama, McCain to Honor Victims of 9/11 Together - Voice of America
Voice of America - By VOA News US presidential candidates Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain have agreed to appear together on September 11, the seventh anniversary of the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington. Conventions, Anything but Dull, Are a TV Hit  Comment by John S. Baick Professor of History, Western New England CollegePubl.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:01:14 GMT "Bangkok" a skillful action excursion - Reuters
Reuters - By Stephen Farber LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Everything is relative in the realm of hyperviolent movies, and compared to this summer's other assassination thriller, "Wanted," "Bangkok Dangerous" is a model of restraint and moral rectitude. 'Dangerous' prosperous at box office An Assassin Arrives to Turn Off the Lights Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:41:52 GMT McCain, Obama battle over economy, leadership - AFP
AFP - COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado (AFP) - Economic issues dominated the campaign trail Saturday as presidential hopefuls Barack Obama and John McCain battled over who could best lead the nation in troubled times. Reuters Politics Summary Barack Obama, John McCain say they hate meddlers ... but both ... Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:15:37 GMT Boeing Machinists Take To Picket Line After Talks Collapse - CNNMoney.com
CNNMoney.com - NEW YORK (AFP)-- Boeing machinists took to the picket line on Saturday as they launched a strike that has halted production and could cost the US aerospace giant more than $100 million per day. Low strike pay could limit length of Boeing work stoppage Boeing machinists walk off the job Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 18:46:08 GMT 'Wrestler' brings Venice fest to its feet - Hollywood Reporter
Hollywood Reporter - By Eric J. Lyman VENICE -- "The Wrestler" was the toast of the Lido on the Venice Film Festival's penultimate day, with star Mickey Rourke's interpretation of an aging wrestler struggling to come to terms with the end of his career creating a buzz that ... 'The Wrestler' wins Venice Film Fest top award Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:14:35 GMT Amazon Associate Software |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... My wife says I have the strangest taste in movies.... Read More What is it like to be on the receiving end... Read More When you invest your time in being a mentee you... Read More In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on... Read More Of the 60,000 people who lived to be over 100... Read More An age old battle in improv that I believe resonates... Read More A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and... Read More When I started my sales career over 25 years ago,... Read More One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great... Read More 1. Know your purposeAre you wandering through life with little... Read More Imagine for a moment one of those nights when you... Read More Teachers enter the profession with the desire to help others,... Read More What Is Self-Esteem?Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself.... Read More When did you last do that? When did you last... Read More Who is the Best Coach For Achieving Your Goals?A friend... Read More Have you ever found yourself in a hurry to leave... Read More I'm almost always a calm and collected person. Or at... Read More If you are anything like me, you may have noticed... Read More Immediately post second world war W Edwards Deming went to... Read More As a Life Coach I quickly identified most individuals wanted... Read More I'm working on a coach training certification, and one of... Read More Successful people have always had clear, focused goals that guide... Read More Carole started counseling with me because she was depressed. She... Read More We don't change. I imagine such a statement could find... Read More MOVING THROUGH CHANGECreating any major change in our lives can... Read More
Adsense
websites
Im Gonna Die MY Way
Life On The Receiving End Of Coaching
Mentors and Coaches: How to Be a Great Mentee or Learner
Every Obstacle Always Presents an Opportunity
The Adventure Attitude
Coaching vs. Directing - How Does Improv Theater Suggest You Should Lead Your Team
What I Would Include In A Coaching Book
A World of Possibility
Mid Life Crisis and the Great American Dream
Top Ten Tips for Living Authentically
Live With An Attitude Of Gratitude
Coaching Can Help Teachers At A Crossroads In Their Careers
Boost Your Self-Esteem
Just Listen, Please!
The Right Coach
The Problem with Blame? If You Fix the Blame, You Ignore the Problem
Tempering Temper
Whats Up With All These Coaches?
W Edwards Deming
Whats Wrong with Life Coaching?
The Magic of Hearing
4 Steps to Successful Goal-Setting
Addiction to Worry
The Art of Change
Transitions: Moving Through Change With Grace
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
4 Underused Hot Spots for Your Personal Branding Iron
I'll never forget what my mentor told me: "Don't communicate... Read More
How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things Over
How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things OverJim... Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Hire a Personal Coach
Have you considered hiring a personal coach? Jack Canfield, in... Read More
What in the World is Life Coaching?
In my speaking engagements I have often compared coaching today... Read More
Who Are You Mixing It With?
I talk and write a lot about Life Design ?... Read More
Take Responsibility for Reshaping Your Life
We say we want to eat better, feel better, and... Read More
Parts that Make the Whole? or Not
There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical... Read More
What Are Your Priorities?
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want... Read More
Mentors and Coaches: How to Find a Great Mentor
A career coach or mentor is a person who can... Read More
Key Questions for a Coaching Conversation
There are 2 key skills that coaches need to be... Read More
Let Go of Your Past
People have a difficult time letting go of the past... Read More
Personal Development Profiles
Personal development profiles, also known as personality profiles, are a... Read More
What I Would Include In A Coaching Book
A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and... Read More
D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E.
What does this word really mean anyway? According to Webster's... Read More
Fear of Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we... Read More
Email Etiquette 1
I thought it might be worth visiting some email etiquette... Read More
Gullibles Travels
A journey by a web-footed gull through a sea of... Read More
Coaching vs. Directing - How Does Improv Theater Suggest You Should Lead Your Team
An age old battle in improv that I believe resonates... Read More
How to Effectively Balance Your Work and Family Life
What Is Your Definition of Success?If you want to create... Read More
Managing Performance Every Day
The scenario?The company has decided it needs to eliminate costs.... Read More
Control, Helplessness, and Love
During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and... Read More
Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further... Read More
Coaching Book Review: The Coach: Creating Partnerships for a Competitive Edge
Leaders today have many challenges when it comes to guiding... Read More
A Call To Do Better
I'm calling you out. Issuing a Challenge. Relax, It's not... Read More
What To Do? Lifes Big Question
We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in... Read More
Coaching |