Assertive Communication: 20 Helpful Tips

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you're dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, "Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?" Because you haven't scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, "Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project." Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

4. Say "I," not "we." Instead of saying, "We need the project by Tuesday," say, "I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday."

5. Be specific. Instead of, "Put a rush on the Microsoft project," say, "I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe's desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning."

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. "Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning," is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee, please," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "Please turn down the radio," or "This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare."

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don't know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, "Thank you."

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don't get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person's behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: "Please don't talk to me that way," rather than, "What kind of jerk are you?"

15. Use "I" statements when commenting on another's behavior. For example: "When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed."

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don't leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don't learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don't put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist, coach, and pscyhotherapist. His two New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Rockland County, Essex County, Passaic County and Manhattan. He also offers online and telephone counseling services. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or at 201-303-4303.

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Google News Updated : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 11:50:43 GMT McCain calms supporters, urges respect for Obama - Los Angeles Times The Associated Press McCain calms supporters, urges respect for Obama Los Angeles Times - 2 hours ago 'NO MA'AM': Sen. John McCain takes a question from a supporter who called Democratic rival Barack Obama an Arab at a town hall meeting in Lakeville, Minn. McCain-Palin's hot rhetoric risks GOP backlash San Francisco Chronicle McCain Lauds and Attacks Obama in Same Day New York Times Boston Globe - Washington Post - Minneapolis Star Tribune - Reuters all 460 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 09:04:20 GMT Morgan Stanley, Goldman May Gain Investment From US Treasury - Bloomberg Wall Street Journal Blogs Morgan Stanley, Goldman May Gain Investment From US Treasury Bloomberg - 7 hours ago By Christine Harper Oct. 11 (Bloomberg) -- Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs Group Inc., the biggest independent US investment banks, may reap cash infusions as part of Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's plan to buy stakes in financial institutions, ... As Stock Falls, Morgan Looks to Japanese Bank New York Times Morgan Stanley hangs on Mitsubishi's $9bn pledge guardian.co.uk Forbes - New York Post - New York Times Blogs - Barron's all 895 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 04:30:39 GMT Paulson Indicates Need to Purchase Bank Equity `Soon as We Can' - Bloomberg Ottawa Citizen Paulson Indicates Need to Purchase Bank Equity `Soon as We Can' Bloomberg - 7 hours ago By John Brinsley and Rebecca Christie Oct. 11 (Bloomberg) -- US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson indicated that pumping government funds into banks is a priority and said financial markets will remain volatile. US to buy shares in struggling banks Los Angeles Times Obama welcomes Paulson plan to buy equity in firms Reuters MarketWatch - International Herald Tribune - Bizjournals.com - Washington Post all 2,114 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 04:21:05 GMT Thai protest leaders released on bail, vow new rallies - AFP GulfNews Thai protest leaders released on bail, vow new rallies AFP - 20 hours ago BANGKOK (AFP) - Leaders of Thai anti-government protests were granted bail Friday after surrendering to police and immediately vowed new rallies, raising fears of mounting turmoil days after deadly street clashes. Video: Raw Video: Tear Gas Fired at Thai Protestors AssociatedPress PAD leaders surrender to Thailand police United Press International The Associated Press - Washington Post - New York Times - International Herald Tribune all 2,495 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:31:03 GMT Mugabe Hands Ministries to His Party - New York Times Voice of America Mugabe Hands Ministries to His Party New York Times - 52 minutes ago By CELIA DUGGER JOHANNESBURG - In a step likely to lead to the collapse of a painstakingly negotiated power-sharing deal, Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe, in office for 28 years, has unilaterally declared that his party will retain the most powerful ... Mugabe 'gives Zanu-PF key posts' BBC News Zimbabwe's Mugabe hands key ministries to his party Reuters United Press International - AFP - Aljazeera.net - The Associated Press all 1,687 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 10:57:49 GMT Stevens's Reputation 'Sterling,' Powell Says - Washington Post Washington Post Stevens's Reputation 'Sterling,' Powell Says Washington Post - 8 hours ago By Del Quentin Wilber Former secretary of state Colin L. Powell told jurors in the corruption trial of Sen. Ted Stevens yesterday that the powerful Alaska Republican had a "sterling" reputation among the nation's military and political leaders. Reporter's Notebook: Powell Takes the Stand for Stevens FOXNews Powell says Sen. Stevens' integrity "sterling" Reuters CNN - Kansas City infoZine - The Miami Herald - ABC News all 2,865 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:13:53 GMT Palin violated ethics law, inquiry concludes - International Herald Tribune Washington Post Palin violated ethics law, inquiry concludes International Herald Tribune - 1 hour ago By Serge F. Kovaleski NEW YORK: Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential candidate, abused her powers as governor of Alaska by pressuring subordinates to try to get her former brother-in-law, a state trooper, fired, according to an investigation ... Palin ethics lapse cited Los Angeles Times Alaska probe finds Palin 'abused her power' Indian Express Baltimore Sun - Boston Globe - New York Times - Reuters all 4,043 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 11 Oct 2008 09:58:28 GMT RSS to HTML Increased Website Traffic

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