Losing a Career When Youre Moving for Love
Those who watched HBO's Sex and the City (SATC, now available on DVD) know the last eight episodes were less about sex and more about city. And the last three episodes, taken together could serve as a case study for a decision faced by many clients Should I follow my heart or hang on to my job?
Whether you want to move to be closer to aging parents, or follow a lover into a new life, the stakes are extremely high. Some people really do live happily ever after, but others end up divorced, broke, and stuck in a place they really hate. Here are some tips to become part of the first group and avoid the second.
1. Test the move.
Before selling your home, resigning from your job, giving up your apartment, or getting a visa, spend time in your future environment and watch for changes in yourself and your relationship. SATC fans noticed that Carrie's lover, Alexander, began to act differently once he was on his own turf. And a two-week Paris vacation would have saved her lots of misery (although the story would be less fun to watch).
2. Recognize that relationship dynamics will change once you've moved.
A common scenario: Hal and Sallie fell in love and married while both were in graduate school. Hal was offered a tenure-track position at Prestige U on the west coast; Sallie was offered a similar job at Elite U the east coast. Sallie considers giving up her own career to follow Hal. After all, she reasons, she can start a part-time job at Prestige U and who knows?
Hal and Sallie met and married as professional and financial equals. They earned small stipends as graduate assistants but the stipends were identical. Now Hal emerges as the major breadwinner. Sallie might rejoice in her freedom to pursue creative interestr that would not be possible on the tenure track. Hal might proudly embrace his role as family provider. Maybe they would have children and Sallie would be a stay-at-home mom.
But let's move to a parallel universe. Hal resents being the major breadwinner. Now that Sallie's bringing in far less money, he wants her to do more around the house. He's gone a lot, attending meetings and colloquia where Sallie's not welcome, even though she's at least his equal in scholarship. Sallie doesn't really want new creative outlets: she wants to pursue academic research, and once she's branded as a part-time "adjunct," that route will be closed to her at this university.
3. Replace "sacrifice" with "strategize:" find creative ways to join head and heart.
While researching my book on moving, I talked to Joyce, who'd moved to Texas to be closer to her growing grandchildren. After a few months, Joyce reported, the novelty wore off. The grandchildren had their own friends. Soon they'd outgrow baby-sitters and begin charging the neighbors to mind children, pets and lawns. She could go to their games and performances, but what would she do the rest of the time?
I've met at least half a dozen people who moved to spend more time with their relatives only to discover, after the move, that the relatives were doing just fine, thank you very much! Even after begging you to come, they realize they didn't know what they really wanted.
Long-distance relationships can be brutal -- but it's not much easier to feel like a fourth-class professional while your spouse's career soars into the stratosphere. And if you build a name and reputation on the east coast, after awhile you may be able to move to the west coast, on your own terms and in your own right.
4. Discover flexible options that you're willing to consider.
Ursula "trailed" her successful new husband from Chicago to Los Angeles. Before moving, she decided she was willing to abandon her own highly successful career in market research and begin a new career in sales. At first, Ursula seemed to be failing miserably. She had little aptitude for sales but she really loved the "click" when someone said yes. And she believed deeply in her product. Encouraged by her husband, Ursula persisted and, five years after the move, became "Salesperson of the Year" in her firm.
Not everyone is cut out to be an Ursula and not everyone lands in a lucrative alternative career. Bill, with a PhD in history, decided he could find happiness as an underpaid, overworked adjunct professor, focusing on teaching rather than research. He grew to love teaching and working with students, while his wife built a lucrative career as a vice president in a financial management firm.
When you know you'll be moving for one partner's goals, often the second partner chooses a portable career: freelancing, coaching, computer programming. Portable careers often require an initial investment in one location, where you build relationships with potential clients and employers. But they often bring new rewards and open doors to exciting adventures.
5. Begin with honesty.
Once you recognize you don't want to move, or you really resent giving up your career, you can begin to focus on solutions. I often encourage partners to visit a couples counselor to deal with the emotional challenges. Denying feelings can lead to a major collapse of the job or the relationship. Opening up can lead to creative synergies you never anticipated. And you may feel deeply relieved to learn your demanding family really doesn't mind if you remain in your job, two thousand miles away.
About The Author
Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D., is an author, speaker and career/business consultant, helping midlife professionals take their First step to a Second Career. http://www.cathygoodwin.com.
"Ten secrets of mastering a major life change" mailto:subscribe@cathygoodwin.com
Contact: cathy@cathygoodwin.com 505-534-4294
 Google News Updated : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:51:51 GMT Aurilia, Vizquel help Giants rally for win - San Jose Mercury News
San Jose Mercury News - By Andrew Baggarly It would be difficult to claim that the Giants improved their playoff hopes when they rallied for a 6-4 victory over the Washington Nationals on Wednesday night. Aurilia gets key hit, makes pitch for old guys Giants rally in eighth to edge Nats Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 08:43:04 GMT Hunt begins for Karadzic helpers - BBC News
BBC News - Officials investigating captured Bosnian Serb ex-leader Radovan Karadzic say they will track down and punish those who aided his false identity. Video: Karadzic plans to defend himself in The Hague Kenya: Karadzic's Fate a Lesson Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 11:47:45 GMT Sudan's president boogies on last Darfur pit stop - AFP
AFP - EL GENEINA, Sudan (AFP) - A dancing Sudanese President Omar al-Beshir paraded as a man of peace on Thursday during a heavily protected tour of Darfur defying accusations that he masterminded genocide in the region. Sudan counters charges with diplomacy Al-Bashir in Sudan peace pledge Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:15:43 GMT Day After, WNBA Untangles Brawl - New York Times
New York Times - By MIKE OGLE Some of the WNBA’s biggest stars commanded national attention Tuesday night and into Wednesday - but not in a way their teams or the league wanted. Don't count on fights becoming WNBA trend WNBA may have a fighting chance Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 05:06:48 GMT Finding Bale's dark side - Chicago Sun-Times
Chicago Sun-Times - BY BILL ZWECKER Sun-Times Columnist 'The Dark Knight'' star Christian Bale's alleged ''assault'' in London against his mother and sister is part of a long-simmering family feud. Batman star stays silent in Spain Christian Bale's lady sidekick: Sibi Bale Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:08:50 GMT Obama to demand more from Europe in Berlin speech - Reuters
Reuters - By Caren Bohan and Noah Barkin BERLIN (Reuters) - US presidential candidate Barack Obama is expected to call on Europe to do more in hotspots like Afghanistan when he speaks in Berlin on Thursday in his only formal address of a week-long foreign tour. Berliners welcome Obama as they did JFK Obama Starts European Trip With Stop in Germany Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:25:11 GMT US cancer boss in mobiles warning - BBC News
BBC News - The director of a leading US cancer research institute has sent a memo to thousands of staff warning of possible higher risks from mobile phone use. Cell phones: The next cigarettes? Group sees possible link to brain cancer Publ.Date : Thu, 24 Jul 2008 10:35:11 GMT RSS For Web Pages |
PARLOT::Ebooks, Scripts,
Websites, and more... Ever hear the story of the two masons working side... Read More One of the trickier questions an interviewer might put to... Read More Job loss affects most of us like any other loss... Read More Any online recruitment agency can help you to submit for... Read More I won't say I have a vast array of knowledge... Read More Many well qualified and extremely able candidates fail at job... Read More In the limited time an interviewer has with you, their... Read More Submit a poorly written cover letter and the chances are... Read More Making a career change is nothing new in today's job... Read More Chuck was the best of the twenty-four candidates. Still, he... Read More The "hard" skills necessary for an executive protection specialist (EPS)... Read More Today we hear much talk of the 'global village'. People... Read More Are you in the job market? Sick of every blog-byte... Read More Are you being paid what you are worth? Has anybody... Read More Take a moment to step outside yourself. Now, be honest... Read More Competency based interviews are intended to get the best from... Read More The US Army Corp of Engineers and numerous private companies... Read More "Know your Ruling Star. One man is better received by... Read More If you are thinking about starting your own house cleaning... Read More Many people's idea of networking relates to the 'size of... Read More Telephone interviews are becoming more popular these days. Whether that's... Read More Your network consists of family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and former... Read More Closing the InterviewKnowing how to successfully close an interview can... Read More The following 'difficult' questions are common to most tricky or... Read More Interview Question, "Tell Me Something About Yourself?""Tell me about yourself"... Read More
Adsense
websites
Get Beyond Your Tasks
Answering The What Are Your Weaknesses? Interview Question
Is Job Loss Making You Sick?
What Exactly Online Recruitment Agencies Do?
Consulting: A Different World
The Secrets to Interview Success
Interview Questions: How To Stump The Interviewer
How to Write Cover Letters That Increase Your Chances of Winning an Interview
Is a Career Change on Your Horizon?
Dont Settle
Necessary Psychological Skills When Working in the Executive Protection Field
Culture Shock
How to Make More Job Contacts Faster, through Viral Marketing
Hey! - Are You Being Paid What You Are Worth?
Look in the Mirror
Competency Based Interviews - 6 Steps to Success!
Working In Iraq: Is It For You?
Business & Career: Know Your Ruling Star!
How To Start Your Own House Cleaning Business
Networking is the Key to Star Performance in Everything You Do.
Job Interviews: Six Steps to Acing a Telephone Interview
Effective Networking Skills: The Art Of Taking Your Job Search To A Whole New Level
How to Close Your Interview and Leave a Lasting Positive Impression
How to Answer The Most Difficult Interview Questions
Can You Tell Me Something About Yourself!
Affordable and Reliable Web Hosting Starting at $4.49/Month
What is a Career Anyway?
A career is the sum total of all of your... Read More
Three Tips for Successful Networking
I generally shy away from using the word "networking" when... Read More
The Best Business And Economy Solutions
In todays Business and economy, starting any business service requires... Read More
Offer Letter Limbo
Recently we concluded the placement of a Senior Sales Representative... Read More
Six Factors That Can Cost You the Interview/Job
Most job seekers know that an unprofessional appearance will count... Read More
Why Become A Truck Driver?
There are a great number of good reasons for someone... Read More
Applying for a Job in Another Country? International Resumes
Is an International Resume still a Resume? This is a... Read More
Searching for an Executive Job
A job search for executives is far less complicated today... Read More
Tips for Building a Successful Career
1. Develop excellent work habits ? for example, meet deadlines... Read More
Discontentment in the Workplace
While more people are finding employment, more employed workers are... Read More
De-Bunking The ?Follow Your Bliss? Myth
Hello Fellow Seekers!I don't know about you? but I'm pretty... Read More
The Ripple Effect of Fear
Unemployment carries a lot of emotional baggage for most of... Read More
Recovering From a Career Crisis
If you have ever experienced any of the following, you... Read More
Avoiding Tire Kickers as Job Seekers
With the economy heating up and employment prospects opening up... Read More
The Group Interview
Sometimes, when going on job interviews, you might end up... Read More
Job Hunting Tips: Organizing Your Attack
Looking for work is an energy-devouring ordeal, often leading to... Read More
Start Working Before You Get Hired
What if there were a way to *prove* to any... Read More
Back to School for a Career Change
Q. I hate my job as a computer consultant. I... Read More
Analysing Adverts for the Creative Response
The fundamental rule is: if you are going to apply... Read More
Dont Be Defeated - Be Empowered
Taking a job out of fear and desperation will never... Read More
How to Write Cover Letters That Increase Your Chances of Winning an Interview
Submit a poorly written cover letter and the chances are... Read More
Cracking the Connection Code: Networking for the Introverted
We've all heard it before: "Just get out there and... Read More
How to Think Like a Headhunter to Find Your Dream Job!
In this ever changing world, we need to think out... Read More
Job Search Techniques: Smashing The Gray Ceiling
For decades, women have chaffed at the invisible glass ceiling... Read More
The Top 10 Mistakes Job Seekers Should Avoid In Contacting An Employer
There are numerous tools and resources available to guide job... Read More
Careers, Jobs & Employment |