Mexican Living: Haircuts, Doctors, and Things

There is a universal, absolute, immutable, infrangible, and inviolable fact of the universe (like gravity and bad breath) that one rarely considers: No matter what you tell your haircut person (notice how nonsexist that was) about how you want your hair cut it will NEVER come out the way you want it, EVER!

You will get the haircut the person who is cutting your hair wants to give you.

This has always been true since Adam first asked Eve to cut his hair and it came out looking like the raccoon he just named. This is true. It's in the Bible.

This has always been my experience whenever I went to the barber in the United States. He or she (there I am again acknowledging both sexes) would ask me how I wanted to have my haircut. I would mumble something incomprehensible, to which they would always say,

"Alrighty, let's see what we can do."

In addition, it would come out looking like the haircut person wanted it to. I would tell them thank you, pay them a fortune, and walk out with my head hung low.

Now, imagine, if you will, having to try this in Mexico in Spanish! It is the same here. They ask you how you want your hair cut and you have to come up with an explanation.

I prepared diligently for the day I knew would eventually come. I had this Spanish book with a dialogue in it called, "Let's get our hair cut!"

I memorized the pertinent vocabulary. I even practiced hand gestures in the mirror to pantomime how short I wanted my hair and where to cut and how much. I had this down to a science and was confident that I was finally, for the first time in my life, going to get the haircut I wanted. You see I thought, stupidly, that somehow it would be different here.

So, my wife and I went into the hairstylist place. She went, not that she needed a haircut, but to hold my hand.

I told the haircut person, with unfailing linguistic accuracy, how I wanted my hair cut. He mumbled something back to my clear and succinct Spanish that I did not understand, and then got to work.

When it was done, I put on my glasses. When I looked into the mirror, I looked like a taller and slightly skinner version of Drew Carey.

I pulled my visor over my head, paid the guy, and slithered off.

I let it grow out and tried this again only with a different "establishment." This time it was a woman who cut my hair. I went through the whole routine again. Only this time, I contacted a fellow expat, who is a fluent Spanish speaker, and got haircut-explaining lessons from him.

I was even better prepared.

I went through the ordeal but came out looking like a fatter version of Justin Timberlake.

This is when the universal law of haircutting was first firmly established in my mind. No matter where you go on this planet, you will always get the haircut the haircutter THINKS you want and there is nothing you can do about it-ever!

I knew I had to do something. I couldn't afford to go to the United States just to get a haircut.

What I now do is take my passport with me to get a haircut. For my passport picture, I had my head shaved to a velvety shrub. I could use my head as a brillo-pad.

This has been working every time. This leaves no room for creative license for the haircutting person and it comes out exactly as I want it each time. It is foolproof!

I am happy. My hair is happy. It is one less worry. Except try going to the doctor and explain how you have the painful and embarrassing itch of hemorrhoids.

Doug Bower is a freelance writer and book author. His most recent writing credits include The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Houston Chronicle, and The Philadelphia Inquirer, and Transitions Abroad. He lives with his wife in Guanajuato, Mexico.

His new book, Mexican Living: Blogging it from a Third World Country can be seen at http://www.lulu.com/content/126241

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Google News Updated : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 06:55:22 GMT Obama "puzzled" by Iraq comment frenzy - Reuters Washington Post Obama "puzzled" by Iraq comment frenzy Reuters - 1 hour ago By John Whitesides, Political Correspondent ST. LOUIS (Reuters) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said on Saturday his plan to end the Iraq war was unchanged and he was puzzled by the sharp reaction to his statement this week that he ... Obama struggles to thread needle on Iraq AFP Obama Refines the Blame on Iraq Miscue New York Times International Herald Tribune - Voice of America - Washington Times - New York Daily News all 1,620 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 05:08:23 GMT Ore. man completes flight of fancy _ in lawn chair - The Associated Press The Associated Press Ore. man completes flight of fancy _ in lawn chair The Associated Press - 1 hour ago CAMBRIDGE, Idaho (AP) - Using his trusty BB gun to help him return to Earth, a 48-year-old gas station owner flew a lawn chair rigged with helium-filled balloons more than 200 miles across the Oregon desert Saturday, landing in a field in Idaho. Video: Ore. Man Uses Balloons and a Lawn Chair to Fly AssociatedPress Believe it or not, he's lounging on air The Oregonian - OregonLive.com CNN International - BBC News - KOHD - San Jose Mercury News all 1,071 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 05:50:31 GMT Argentine Lower House Passes Grain Export-Tax Plan (Update3) - Bloomberg Voice of America Argentine Lower House Passes Grain Export-Tax Plan (Update3) Bloomberg - 8 hours ago By Eliana Raszewski July 5 (Bloomberg) -- Argentina's lower house of congress approved the government's plan to increase taxes on exports of grains and oilseeds, risking a resumption of three months of strikes by farmers. Export Tax That Angers Farmers Advances in Argentina New York Times Argentina lawmakers approve farm export tax hike guardian.co.uk RTT News - BBC News - The Associated Press - AFP all 144 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:41:30 GMT Hippie Arrests Draw ACLU’s Attention - New York Times ABC News Hippie Arrests Draw ACLU’s Attention New York Times - 6 hours ago By AP CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) - The American Civil Liberties Union said on Saturday that it would investigate the actions of federal officers who had arrested five members of the Rainbow Family in western Wyoming during the group’s annual gathering. ACLU plans to investigate Rainbow Family treatment The Associated Press ACLU to investigate Rainbow Family treatment LocalNews8.com WKOW-TV.com - Billings Gazette - cbs4denver.com - Austin American-Statesman all 306 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:40:38 GMT Analysis: McCain struggles to regain footing - The Associated Press The Associated Press Analysis: McCain struggles to regain footing The Associated Press - 2 hours ago WASHINGTON (AP) - John McCain calls himself an underdog. That may be an understatement. The GOP presidential candidate trails Democrat Barack Obama in polls, organization and money while trying to succeed a deeply unpopular fellow Republican in a year ... Rural voters lean to the GOP St. Joseph News-Press Neither Obama nor McCain meets Energy Party standard The State New York Times - Online Athens - Washington Post - Newsweek all 465 news articles Publ.Date : Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:40:55 GMT Smallest planet shrinks in size - BBC News Canada.com Smallest planet shrinks in size BBC News - Jul 4, 2008 The smallest planet in the Solar System has become even smaller, studies by the Messenger spacecraft have shown. Data from a flyby of Mercury in January 2008 show the planet has contracted by more than one mile (1.5km) in diameter over its history. First Results From Messenger's Mercury Flyby Slashdot Mercury is shrinking, NASA craft finds; a cool clue: 'lobate scarps' Los Angeles Times eFluxMedia - Baltimore Sun - Examiner.com - ChattahBox all 155 news articles Publ.Date : Fri, 04 Jul 2008 11:45:26 GMT McCain Battles a Nemesis, the Teleprompter - New York Times New York Times McCain Battles a Nemesis, the Teleprompter New York Times - 7 hours ago Mary Altaffer/AP By MARK LEIBOVICH LAS VEGAS —Senator John McCain was performing relatively smoothly as he unveiled his energy plan. McCain Campaign, in Relaunch, Seeks Tighter Message Focus Wall Street Journal McCain Campaign on Obama and Iraq FOXNews The Associated Press - Washington Post - Los Angeles Times - CNN all 737 news articles Publ.Date : Sat, 05 Jul 2008 23:31:52 GMT RSS For Web Pages Increase Web Traffic

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